Random Resolutions

Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a dreamer.  I tend not to think big.  I’m more of a day to day kind of guy.  That being said, I would be lying to you if I said I didn't have certain ideas on how 2013 should have gone.  As we come to the end of the first month of 2014 however, it would seem that reality had other plans for me, and I’m forced to reconsider the viability of  some of my previous years resolutions. 

First of all, while my resolution to produce an off Broadway play featuring adult versions of all your favorite Peanuts characters did manage to have a limited run, I can’t in good conscience call it a success.  I can see now how exploring Peppermint Patties lesbian relationship with Marcie could have ruined a substantial part of many of your childhoods and how it may offended the sensibilities of some of our more conservative friends.  Additionally, having Charlie Brown sleep with the stuffed remains of his canine companion Snoopy may have been in bad taste.  As a result, I've removed all sexual innuendos regarding the man and his dog.  While I applaud (actors name redacted)’s dedication to realism, I realize now that their love scene was ill conceived at best .  I’m happy to report that his therapy is going well and he should be home soon.

I had such good intentions...

Second, my resolution to obtain at least one celebrities autograph clearly didn't go well either.  Here and now, I would like to extend my most heartfelt and court mandated apology to Jennifer Lawrence.  I realize that I can at times come off as overzealous, and in retrospect it seems like stalking you to your home and forcing you to read passages from the Hunger Games may have crossed a line.  I suppose it is some comfort that I now have your signature on my copy of the restraining order. 

Once again, my apologies.

Finally, my last resolution to become a vigilante superhero has been marginally more successful.  Tracking criminals through the shadows of our fair city in my homemade costume of black sheets and makeshift utility belts made of 100% faux leather, dispensing my own brand of justice and reading of my exploits in the morning papers has been nothing short of the best experience of my life.  In fact, the horde of police cars and press vehicles pulling up to my drive way promise to make it even more exciting.  They must have found one of my signature calling cards I leave behind with the battered remains of the criminals I've vanquished.  No doubt here to escort me to city hall to receive the key to the city.

Mine doesn't have nipples.

So this is where I part with you, inconstant reader.  With the promise of a glorious new year ahead of us and all that that entails, I leave you with these words of wisdom from Nelson Mandela:  You either get busy living, or you get busy dying.  

Then again, maybe that was Morgan Freeman.  Doesn't matter. Truth, man. Truth.

JrX

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Strange Faces (all parts)

Part 1

There’s a thing called the strange face in the mirror illusion.  You stare at yourself in the mirror and after a few minutes, things begin to appear distorted.  You may have experienced this yourself at some point, and some research has been done on the subject.  One experiment done by Italian psychologist Giovani Caputo, had fifty test subjects attempt this visual illusion.  The experiment lasted ten minutes but the subjects began to perceive the “strange face illusion” after only one.  Descriptions by the participants varied greatly:  66% reported “huge deformations” in their face;  28% described seeing  an unknown person; and 48% described seeing “fantastical and monstrous beings”. 

As strange as this phenomenon is, there have been some attempts to explain it.  One possible explanation is the Troxler effect.  What it is is unvarying stimulus dropped from our perception.  That is to say, for example, if a piece of paper falls on your arm, it is felt for a few seconds before the sensation vanishes.  This principle of unvarying stimulus also applies to vision.  So if you stare too long at yourself in the mirror, your brain will automatically start to cancel out any information that is constant, like, for example, your nose or your lips.  This will account for the “huge deformations” reported by the participants of the above mentioned experiment and even the urban legend of Bloody Mary.  As I look into the mirror now, I realize that this doesn't account for the “fantastical and monstrous beings” they reported however, or the way that my mirror self raises its left arm when I raise my right.

But I wasn't truly scared until my mirror self winked at me and reached for my arm.

JESUS CHRIST! I thought as I stumbled backwards into the tub.  As I watched in horror, Mirror Me was making his way into the bathroom proper.  Already he was almost half in.  I felt almost sick watching this thing birth itself into my world.  Nausea gripped me and my vision became blurred.  It was as if reality itself was pulsating around me, angry at this intrusion from another world.  As Mirror Me finally came fully into my bathroom, standing over me in triumph, I felt the world snap back into place with a jolt and began to come to my senses.  Almost immediately I heard a strange squealing.  I looked around for the source, expecting to find a frightened child, when I suddenly realized it was coming from me. 

Holy shit, was it trying to talk to me?!

“-…dick hamburger.”, he said. 

 “Whafuck?”, I managed weakly. 

He replied, “I said, don’t move, or I’ll stomp on your crotch till it’s nothing but dick hamburger.”

Oh. That makes more sense. 

He said, “Now, listen carefully…”

*********************

The Story of Halloween, More or Less (Mostly Less)

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Well, dear readers, its that time of year again.  As autumn comes to a close and winter comes knocking at your door, we start the holidays with that perennial celebration of ghouls and goblins, tricks and treats and low budget horror movies from the eighties with..*ahem*..ample images of gratuitous nudity.  (There’s nothing like eighties breasts, am I right?)

Of course I'm right.

  I’m talking, of course, of Halloween.  A reckless orgy of candy, parties and bad decisions.  When costumed townsfolk stumble through the streets, knocking on doors, begging for candy like some sort of ghoulish salvation army.  But where did Halloween come from?  When did it start?  And why are these sexy cat-women giving me confusing feelings about my neighbors cats?  Well, we here at Random Crapp have decided to answer all these questions and more (except for the one about my neighbors cats.  The humane society was very helpful in that regard).   Here then is the history of Halloween, discovered after hours of exhaustive research that I probably shouldn't have done after half a bottle of Jack Daniels.  Enjoy.

Who started Halloween?

Halloween started millions of years ago, when Jesus saw his shadow.  Wait, that can’t be right.  Hang on…OK, here we go again.  Halloween started sometime in the past, probably when everyone still thought a good stink could cure most diseases.  Back then,  if you lived past thirty years old, you were probably in league with the devil.  These weren't exactly enlightened times, is what we’re saying.  Halloween, or Samhain as it was called, was originally a harvest festival, or maybe the Celtic new year, we weren't really paying attention.  It was believed that the souls of the dead could rise from their graves on this one day of the year because apparently the afterlife was pretty boring. 

What’s with the costumes?

During the celebration, people would often dress in animal skins in order to calm the spirits of the deceased or perhaps to blend in with them, so as not to incur their wrath.  After all, if you can’t beat them, join them.  What this has to do with today's sexy nurses is beyond the knowledge of this puny website. 

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

So, my mom says Halloween is evil.  What’s up with that?

Well, I don’t want to contradict your mom, or question why she was kissing Santa Clause last year, but she’s full of crap.  After the Romans smacked Britain around like a red headed stepchild, they incorporated the Celtic holiday into a celebration of their dead.  Later, when the Romans embraced Christianity, the holiday changed once again.  November 1 became All-hallows, a day to celebrate their saints and martyrs, and October 31 became All-hallows Even.  And like the whisper game you played as a child, it eventually became Halloween.  These days, the most evil thing about Halloween is the stomach ache you get after eating absolutely obscene amounts of candy.  Also, that slutty pirate wench who stole your wallet after slipping you a mickey.  Evil bitch.

Ok, so what about pumpkins?  Where do they fit in?  And please don’t say my butt.

Well, I was going to make something up for this, but the actual story is pretty cool, so here goes.  According to Irish myth, there once was a man named Stingy Jack who was having a drink with the devil.  There’s no mention of why.  Maybe they were old army buddies, who knows.  Anyway, Stingy Jack didn't want to pay his tab, because he was stingy and all, so he somehow convinced the devil to turn into a coin to pay the bill.  However, instead of paying, good old Jack just pocketed the coin next to a cross in his jacket, which kept the devil in coin mode.  Before Jack would release the devil, he made him promise not to claim his soul upon his death.  When Jack finally did kick the proverbial bucket,  he discovered that heaven didn't want him either.  Because he couldn't go up or down, and because the devil is kind of a dick, he cursed Stingy Jack to wander the world with a single coal in a hollowed out turnip to light his way.  To the Irish, he was Jack of the Lantern, or Jack o’lantern.  I have no idea where the pumpkins came in as I didn't read that far.  Still pretty cool though, right?  Also, the pumpkins fit in your butt. 

Best. Pumpkin. Ever.

Nice, real classy of you

No problem.

Ok, how about the candy?  When did that start?

Well, during my research, I came across at least seven different reasons we give out candy on Halloween.  All of them were boring, so here’s my answer.  Back in the olden days, before the Internet, people wou-…no wait.  Ok, what happened was….well…hang on.  You know what?  I got nothing for this one.  I honestly thought I could come up with something, but nope.  Nothing.  Candy is awesome.  End of story. 

Pictured above:  awesomeness

And there you have it folks.  I hope this answered all your questions regarding Halloween .  Now it’s time for me to have a drink with my new friend.  What did you say your name was?  Bee Bub?  Beezle Bob?  What a strange name.  You’re buying this round.

JrX

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Strange Faces: Part 13

Part 13

“Ok, here comes the pain, “ proclaimed my twin.  In his hand he brandished the ultimate weapon.  My brother was right.  There could be nothing worse.

Holding a book above his head, he said, “I shall now read select passages from Twilight until you come out of the circle.”

My brother yelled out, “I freaking told you so!”

“Everybody shut up!”, I said.  “No one is reading anything.”

“I’m ready to come out.”

My twin looked at me with satisfaction.  “I’m glad you've finally seen reason.  Come to me.”

“Just, give me a minute, OK?”

Granting my request, he stepped back while I turned to my friend and brother.

“Well, Sancho, if this doesn't work out, I want you to know you've been a good friend.  Make sure you hide the porn on my computer.”

“No problem, bro.  Good luck.”  He dropped his head and turned away.  I’m gonna assume he cried.

“Buster,” I called to my brother.  “We always knew it would end up this way.”

“Going out fighting some sort of trans dimensional doppelganger?”, he replied.  “Yeah, I figured.  I’m not worried though.  I’m pretty sure you got this.”

Pleasantly surprised by my brothers confidence in me, I took a deep breath and exited the circle.

“All right, you really want to join with me?  Lets just see who comes out on top!”  I stepped toward him with my arms out, ready to do…whatever.  I really had no idea how this would turn out.  All I knew was that whatever this joining was, I had to dominate.

“Wait!” my nemesis cried. 

“Jesus!  What now?” I said.

“You seem oddly confident.  More so than before”, he said, eyeing me cautiously. 

“So what,” I responded.  “Aren't you supposed to be the superior part of me?  What are you worried about?”

“Oh, I am.  Don’t worry about that,” he replied.  “But I don’t think I want to take any chances.”

Now it was my turn to be suspicious.  “What are you saying?”

“Oh, I’m just thinking I don’t really need you at all.”  And with that he lunged for me with a speed that I would not have thought possible considering his size.  Bringing my face close to his, he whispered, “I think I can live without you.”

Swinging me around, he tossed me like a rag doll directly toward my grandmothers mirror, still leaning against the tree.  Tripping on an exposed root, I crashed directly into it.

But crashed is the wrong word.  It felt more like being sucked in, a mini black hole, the laws of physics being suspended unwillingly.  I wish I could have seen it from the perspective of my friends.  As it was, it was as if I was falling forever.  And then nothing.

 JrX

Sharknado? More like Shark-nodo

(Update:  Apparently I need to put a disclaimer up, because too many people don't know the meaning of satire.  This is a humor site.  Everything you read here is fictional.  You're welcome.)


Sharks.  Ever since Jaws, sharks have been in the public consciousness as the mightiest predator in the seas.  With their sleek form, lighting fast attacks and dead black eyes as soulless as Michael Myers, it’s little wonder that they encapsulate all that’s mysterious and deadly about our planets oceans, 95% of which are still unexplored.  So popular are sharks, that they are the star attractions of Discovery Channels’ yearly Shark Week.  Yes, on the network that gave us Amish Mafia, we still get the occasional science related program. 

"So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks.  And I'm like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex.  And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex?...Because whales are mammals and sharks are animals.  They have nothing to do with each other."-actual quote from Discovery Channel interview.

 Even the Syfy network is getting involved in the shark craze, releasing original films like Sharknado, Ghost Shark and Jersey Shore Shark Attack. 

 

This is real.  And so stupid, Google refused to participate.

With all this interest in sharks, we here at Random Crapp decided to delve deeper into what all the fuss is about.  We contacted noted marine biologist Dr. Stephanie Carter from the University of Texas Marine Science Institute in Port Aransas, Tx.  What follows is a transcript of our interview.

transcript begins

Random Crapp (RC):  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

Dr. Stephanie Carter (Dr.):  Of course.  After all, when the senior editor from Scientific American requests an interview, you don’t say no!

RC:  (clearing throat) Right.  Scientific American.  Where I’m from.  Let’s start, if we can, by you giving your name and occupation, for the record.

Dr.:  My name is Dr. Stephanie Carter.  I’m a marine biologist with the University of Texas Marine Science Institute. 

RC:   And you’re a sharkologist?

Dr.:  Well, technically, I’m an ichthyologist. 

RC:  An icky pologist?

Dr.:  Ichthyologist.

RC:  Wiki dogolist?

Dr.: Icthy-..you know what?  I’m a sharkologist.

RC:  So as a sharkologist, what’s up with this whole Megalodon thing on Discovery Channel?  That thing is huge!

Dr.:  The megalodon was one of the largest predators ever to inhabit the oceans.  Growing anywhere from 45-60 feet in length, think of a very large great white shark.

RC:  Holy crapp.  That’s one big fish!

Dr.: Indeed.

RC:  And what is the scientific community doing to curb the threat of the modern megalodon?

Dr.:  What do you mean?  Modern megalodon?

RC:  As I’m sure you’re aware, there was a recent documentary on the Discovery Channel proving that these creatures still exist.

Dr.:  I can assure you, no megalodons exist today.  They died out millions of years ago, sometime around the time the Discovery Channel lost all credibility. 

RC:  Fair enough.  What about sharknado?

Dr.:  Excuse me?

RC:  On a scale of one to ten, one being no threat, and ten being an invasion of walking sharks armed with advanced aquatic weaponry led by Aquaman, how much danger would you say we are in?

Dr.:  ……

RC:  Dr. Carter?

Dr.:  ….I’m sorry.  That question was so stupid, I think I may actually have died for a few seconds.

RC:  Well, welcome back?

 Dr.:  Thanks.  It was close.

RC:  Back to sharknado…-

Dr.:  I’m sorry, excuse me.  But you said you were from Scientific American?

RC:  Uh, yes, that’s right.

Dr.:  Would you mind showing me some credentials.

RC:  (reaching into my wallet)  Here you go.  My card.

Dr.:  This is a receipt.  For hemorrhoid cream.

RC:  My number is on the back.

Dr.:  Why?

RC:  I’m single, so…you’re kinda cute?

Dr.:  Get out.

Transcript ends

I would like to thank the University of Texas and Dr. Stephanie Carter for their time and for not pressing charges.  I would say this was a complete waste of time, but I managed to sneak a shark skull out of the reception room as I was being escorted out.  So, you know.  Score.

JrX