So hurricane season is here. I know, I’m a little late, but give me a break. I’m way too busy living off the governments’ teat right now to notice these things. Anyway, you may have noticed that a new hurricane named Irene was busy today bitch slapping New York. Seriously, the way the news has been covering it, you would think it was Katrina 2.0, but with fewer minorities. So I thought I would do my part and give you some tips on how to prepare for a hurricane.
Pre Hurricane Preparedness:
First thing you should do is create what is called a “take box”. This is a box that should contain all your important documents. Birth certificate, social security card, id’s, insurance papers, car titles, you get the idea. If you have to evacuate, you definitely want to know who you are. On the flip side, this could be your one opportunity to start a new life. Bill collectors hunting you down? Loan sharks breaking down your door? Who hasn't been there? Fake your death, evacuate to a new city, develop amnesia and live your new life! (results not typical, void where prohibited)
Discuss and practice a disaster plan with your family. Make sure everyone knows where to go if disaster strikes and everyone is separated. Have drills at three in the morning to keep everyone sharp. Most importantly, know who you can leave behind. Mother getting a little long in the tooth? Conveniently “lose her”. She “accidentally” got left behind. It’s ok. We won’t tell.
Finally, make sure all insurance matters are kept up to date. Remember that most home owners insurance does not include flood insurance, so you’ll have to buy that separately. Life insurance is also key. Remember your “lost” mom? Time to collect some life insurance! This is how you turn a frown upside down.
Once the Hurricane is inbound:
Once you know the hurricane is on its way, its time to go shopping. Canned food is the best option for these situations. I know that the rotisserie chicken from the deli looks good, but you gotta think long term here. A few cans of tuna should do nicely. Some bottled water. That sort of thing.
Now, a lot of people will go kinda crazy with last minute shopping and hoarding before hurricanes. You’ll see people buying entire pallets of toilet paper. As if you’re going to shit more than usual. Probably not, unless you shit yourself from fear. In that case, you’ve got more problems than I can help with, you big baby. Remember to keep calm. Its not the end of the world. That was in May. You missed it.
Batteries are also important. You’ll want to make sure your radio is working well. Its going to get boring waiting to be rescued. Today's top 40 hits will help keep the boredom at bay. Also, news reports, I guess.
They always say to keep bleach handy as well during these kind of survival situations. I don’t really know why, though. I guess if you have to evacuate, once you return to the ruin that was your home, that would be a great time to drink the bleach.
Finally, you should also stock up on plywood. Use these to cover the windows of your home. They should afford you some decent protection from weaker storms. Of course, if you’re dealing with a monster like Katrina, the plywood will be about as effective as covering your house with construction paper. In that case, make sure you use all the colors. Make it a festive destruction!
If you decide not to evacuate:
From wikihow:
"Take all measures to protect your home and family...It is not only your stuff you are protecting, but yourself and your family who have stayed behind. There is a risk of less-than-ideal folks wandering around the neighborhood possibly looking for an empty home to rob. Lock all doors and windows, place heavy, opaque drapes in front of windows to prevent outside eyes from looking in, and if you have them and if you live in the US, load up on several rounds of ammunition for your rifles, shotguns and pistols prior to the hurricanes arrival. Advertise that there are weapons in the vicinity. Don't try this is Canada though--you'll get arrested."
I’ve got nothing to add to that.
Make sure you move all lawn furniture and other debris from your yard. Hurricane force winds can easily top one hundred miles per hour. With these kinds of wind speeds, it not unheard of to see news reports of trees impaled by blades of grass, or… uh….other crazy shit. Sorry, I had something for this. I’m a bit distracted, the Fairly Oddparents are on.
Finally, designate a “safe room” in your house that everyone should get to once the excitement starts. The safe room should have no windows and only one easily defendable entrance, in case of invading minorities coming to steal your fire. Stock you safe room with everything you’ll need to survive for at least three days. Food, water, flashlights, candles, lots of toilet paper, porn, etc. In the event that you are not rescued before your supplies run out, designate an expendable member of your family that can be eaten in a pinch. Remember, the only sin is not surviving.
Congratulations!
You’ve survived another hurricane season! Come back next week when we’ll discuss how to survive the coming robot apocalypse.
(just kidding; it won’ t be next week)
JrX
