So, then, submitting to the inevitable, I lubed up my asshole and bought a ticket to see Guardians of the Galaxy, ready for it to make me its bitch. And let me tell you, I got stretched, baby.
Looking back over what I just wrote, I think that maybe that metaphor may have gotten away from me, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying. Anyway, after watching the film and having my mind appropriately blown, I decided to invite the Guardians of the Galaxy for a group interview here at the Random Crapp offices, much like my interview with the Avengers in 2012. You'll find the transcript below. Enjoy.
Me: Thank you all for being here today, its a great honor to meet you, regardless of the apparent fee. You know, I don't really think thats standard for interviews...
Rocket Raccoon: Units up front, you glorified monkey!
Me: I thought we agreed to pay you after the interview. In units, was it?
Rocket Raccoon (RR): Yeah, well, you can suck my unit!
Drax: I do not understand. How can he suck a unit?
Me: Its just a figure of spe...you know what, Drax, we'll get to you later, ok?
Drax: I am here now!
Star Lord: Everyone calm down! Rocket, chill. Drax, why aren't you reading that book I gave you? It will save a lot of time.
Me: Thanks, Star Lord. Guess I'll start with you. Wait, what are you doing?
Star Lord: Uh!..Chicka bow...Oh yea!..what do you mean?....Shimona!..
Me: Why are you dancing?
Star Lord: I'm not dancing...uh!!...ooh, yea!!...I'm distracting you.
Me: I don't underst-hey, give me back my wallet you greasy little rodent!
RR: I need it for my plan to work!
Me: What plan? What the fuck?
Gamora: I would be more careful with your words, if I were you. And by the way, your office is filthy.
Me: Its not that bad. The rest of it is pretty nice actually, I'll show you later if you want.
Gamora: Are you trying to seduce me?!
Me: What? Dude, you're an alien. Do you even have a vagina?
Groot: I am groot!
RR: Ha! You said it, pal!
Me: Ok, stop, this is getting out of hand!
Drax: There is nothing in my hands! I keep them free to crush my enemies!
Me: Oh. My god. Shut up. You're the worst character here.
Star Lord: I haven't seen a debacle like this since those nazis opened the Ark of the Covenant!
Me: Ok, man, we get it. You saw a lot of 80's movies before Yondu decided to probe you.
Star Lord: Alf. The Cosbys. Random movie reference that makes fanboys cream themselves.
Loki: You will all kneel before me!
Me: Whatthefuck?! Where the hell did you come from?
RR: Hey, Loki! Do me a favor? I need to borrow your staff for a secret plan.
Gamora: I am a warrior and assassin! I don't have time for this!
Me: You are green with small tits. Sit down.
Groot: I am groot!
Me: Jesus Christ.
Nick Fury: Why aren't I in this motherfucking movie?!!
Me: That's it! Everyone out! Fuck it.
(overlapping voices arguing...lots of groots...a few gun blasts)
tape ends.
Well, that went about as well as the last one, which is to say I somehow survived. You're welcome.
JrX
Don't forget to like us on FaceBook!
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
