What Really Happened to Santa on Christmas Eve?

Christmas day is almost over and by now most of you have exchanged gifts with your loved ones, secretly decided to return almost all of them for store credit, had at least two dinners at different houses and are now reaching for the last bottle of beer to help put you out of your yuletide misery.  But before you nod off to visions of sugar plums dancing in your head, you seem to recall a story on the morning news regarding Santa’s flight around the world the night before.  Something about how old St. Nick almost didn't make it.  Stomach flu or some such thing. 

Probably just lactose intolerant and had one too many glasses of milk, you think.  But there was something about unconfirmed reports of a kidnapping, explosions…you weren't really paying attention. 

Well, no worries.  We here at Random Crapp have got all you need to know about last night.  Starting with the fact that the United States government is actively trying to cover up certain events that transpired during our latest Christmas Eve.  Even now, the best Google searcher in the world would be unable to find any news reports or cached sites from last night containing certain key words like Santa, North Korea, Kirk Cameron and so on, during the hours of 1am to 6:30am. 

But thanks to the magic of screen capture and our intense boredom, we were able to stay abreast of the situation even as the government was busy scrubbing all mention of what really transpired on Christmas Eve from the world wide web. Below you will find transcribed notes from Associated Press breaking news bulletins that were meant for wide distribution to various news agencies, but have since been heavily redacted.   The truth shall set us free!

1:06am Associated Press Breaking News Alert: 

According to eyewitnesses reporting live from Seoul, South Korea, several North Korean fighter jets have engaged in a aerial dogfight with Santa Claus. As of this posting, two reindeer are down and you're probably not getting that Xbox One bundle.

More updates as they come…

1:36am AP Breaking News Alert:

Following a brutal midair attack by North Korean fighter jets, Santa Claus has narrowly made his way into friendlier skies, albeit without Blitzen and Rudolph who are now prisoners of Dear Leader Kim Jong Un. 

A list of demands in exchange for the release of the two reindeer is expected soon...

1:57am AP Breaking News Alert:

In exchange for the release of Blitzen and Rudolph, North Korea demands that actors James Franco and Seth Rogen immediately produce a film praising Dear Leader Kim Jong Un as Earths "greatest pudgy dictator". 

Although it's possible we translated that last part wrong..

2:15am AP Breaking News Alert:

Horror on holiday, as North Pole representatives receive a package from North Korea containing the severed nose of Rudolph the (formerly) Red Nosed Reindeer. Attempts to contact James Franco and Seth Rogen have been unsuccessful, as it is presumed they are both too high to respond.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Santa may have contacted Kirk Cameron for assistance. Stay with Associated Press for further updat-, ok, this just in: North Korea has just bombed Kirk Cameron. He's dead.

2:28am AP Breaking News Alert:

Shocking video of North Korean soldiers beheading beloved reindeer Blitzen prompts President Obama to authorize Emergency Operation: Slay Ride, a joint mission between the U.S. and the North Pole led by Clark Griswold and that one kid from A Christmas Story, as well as several unnamed but presumably expendable elves.

More updates as the situation develops..

4:45am AP Breaking News Alert:

Operation: Slay Ride has failed. After a series of wacky misunderstandings, Gen. Griswold led his men/elves directly into the active mine field of the DMV. No bodies have yet been recovered. Pres. Obama on the failed mission is quoted as saying, "Probably shouldn't have sent Chevy fucking Chase."

With little hope left, the world prays for a hero...

4:57am AP Breaking News Alert:

A hero rises? Quint, the salty old sea dog from the movie Jaws offers to rescue Rudolph for $10,000. Quint: " for ten thousand dollars, you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing". In response, the North Koreans send another package to Santa containing a hoof and a note that reads "You're going to need a bigger sleigh lol."

Santa is not amused.

5:18am AP Breaking News Alert:

With nowhere else to turn, and James Franco and Seth Rogen too high to stop laughing, Santa trades in his traditional sleigh for a more advanced, weaponized version of the classic conveyance. Replacing the reindeer he has left for a pair of experimental jet engines and a host of surface to air missiles, Santa suits up in a next generation bullet proof red cloak and prepares to invade North Korea. With several machine guns, pistols, knives and a few sharp sticks strapped to his back, Santa vows not to return without Rudolph. 

A hopeful world waits with baited breath...

6:11am AP Breaking News Alert:

After an explosive battle with the North Korean army, Santa engaged in a furious sword fight with Dear Leader Kim Jong Un on the presidential palace balcony. As the Korean people looked on, Santa brought his sword swinging cleanly through the dictator’s neck. Holding the severed head aloft, Santa declared the North Koreans free from the oppressive regime and offered anyone willing to go back with him a secure future working alongside his elves at the North Pole. Although the wages are paid almost entirely in candy canes, many took him up on his offer because, hey, food is food.

Rudolph the Stub Nosed Reindeer is currently being airlifted to the North Poles infirmary, where elvish doctors hope to be able to reattach his severed appendages. We wish him well on his long road to recovery. In the meantime, Santa has promised to complete his rounds as scheduled, despite his own not inconsiderable wounds. Authorities caution Santa to temporarily skip certain parts of the U.S. this morning, as they worry that his disheveled appearance might cause some people to "stand their ground".

And THAT, my friends, is what really happened last night.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!


JrX

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