So its thanksgiving again, that special time of year when
family gets together to give thanks for, I don't know, football? Mostly it’s a time to get angry at each other
for real or imagined slights from years gone by, and maybe, if you're lucky,
see a fully cooked turkey get thrown out the window, flying as gracefully as it
never could in life. Afterwards,
pizza. Ah, memories.
This is going right out the window.
Anyway, since I haven't updated the site in a while, I
thought I would give you a special treat: the story of the first thanksgiving.
So it turns out that a few hundred years ago, let’s say, I don’t
know, the 1600’s (I don’t do a lot of research
that doesn’t involve Charlie Brown being a sad sack, and Linus being
insufferable), a small ship called the Mayflower 3D-Breaking Dawn, set sail
from England with a small group of pilgrims, armed only with a pocket full of
dreams and buckles for every article of clothing they could think of. They had decided to leave the tyranny of
England for a more tolerant land, where no one would tell them they couldn’t
dance if they wanted to. Nobody puts
baby in a corner.
This has nothing to do with Thanksgiving.
After months of dangerous sailing, they finally arrived in
the New World, minus most of their teeth and probably smelling a little
ripe. Man, it must have really stunk
back then. Can you imagine? Months alone on a ship with a bunch of smelly
puritans? Not the smell I usually
associate with freedom, but you can’t argue with results I guess. Landing at Plymouth Rock TM(all rights
reserved), the newly arrived settlers quickly realized that they should have
spent less time on funny hats and more time not being dead of disease and
famine. Common rookie mistake. Luckily for them, however, they were met by a
kindly Indian (the casino kind, not the red dot on the forehead kind) named
Squanto. In another stroke of good luck,
Squanto spoke English, because that was what the script called for. Turns out he had been sold into slavery a few
years before by an unscrupulous sea captain, but he didn’t hold a grudge, so that’s ok. Anyway, seeing as how the pilgrims couldn’t make
water from ice and that they were starving, Squanto showed them how to farm and
cultivate land and just generally not be dead.
Sqanto, pre-twilight
The pilgrims were so grateful, they decided to have a great
feast after their first successful harvest before slaughtering most of the
natives and stealing their lands, leaving the rest with a few colorful beads
and casinos. And that’s the story of the
first thanksgiving.
You’re welcome.
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Happy Thanksgiving!
JrX
