Wages of Win

Some of you may have noticed that there now appears to be ads on the side and bottom of this blog. Those are the result of Google Adsense and me selling out to the man. See, you sign up for Adsense and then Google will place ads on your page that have something to do with the content on your site, using keywords or magic or something, and when someone clicks them, I get money. I think it’s more complicated than that, but I didn't bother reading through all the terms and conditions. Who’s got time for that?

The important thing is that I’m well on my way to becoming independently wealthy. Since I launched this blog on May 19, I currently have a balance of $1.77. Now, admittedly that doesn’t sound like much, but remember, this is just the beginning. Word of mouth is a powerful thing (especially if you haven’t brushed) and I fully expect to be a millionaire by this time next month. What’s left now is to figure out what to do with all that money.

Now there are plenty of things that you can do with a million dollars. You could give it to charity, for example. But all those poor people would probably just spend it on booze and cigarettes, and abortions and whatever else republicans are convinced poor people do with money, which is why they keep all of it for themselves and the oil companies. Or something, I don’t know. I’ve been watching a lot of MSNBC lately.

I could become a philanthropist and use the money to enhance my community. But that’s boring. Besides, my town just got an IMAX Theater and we have two IHops here! Of course I only go to one, because then my friends and I can say, “Let’s go to the good one.”

I could horde the money. After all, they say it’s not how much you make, but how much you save. But where to put it? A regular savings account won’t yield much interest and the stock market fluctuates more wildly than a…um...damn, I had something for this. Doesn’t matter. I could spread it on my bed and roll around on it naked, like a fat, hairy, hispanic Demi Moore, but that’s a last resort (for those of you that know me, try getting that thought out of your head!).

No, there’s only one thing to do with a million dollars: zombie proof my house.

That’s right, I said it. The rapture may not have arrived on schedule, but we all know that the zombie apocalypse is coming. In fact, it may even warrant the capital “Z”. Zombie apocalypse, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombie Apocalypse. Yeah, that’s it.

It such a huge concern, that the CDC, the Centers for Freaking Disease Control, has an entire Emergency Preparedness and Response section on their website. Holy shit! You think FEMA is going to save your ass? They’ll stick us all in a stadium with limited facilities and pretty soon it’s going to be Beyond Thunderdome and a Tina Turner soundtrack in that bitch.

Not for me though. First thing I’m doing is build a moat. Fuck the neighbors. Maybe put some alligators in there or something. Reinforce the walls, put up steel shutters, a crow’s nest for sniping, you get the idea. Bulk up on supplies like food, water, ammunition and porn. Can’t discount the importance of a good porn stash, for when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, no more internet shall there be. Any leftover funds will be converted to items that can be easily bartered. Like gold, or medicine or porn.

So keep clicking on those ads, Inconstant Reader. I'm getting an estimate on a drawbridge next week.

JrX

So we survived the apocalypse.

I assume that the apocalypse came and went and that the reason I received no mail today was that our postman was raptured away. So if your reading this, then the lord our god has seen fit not to rapture you, and instead chose to let you suffer through the trials and tribulations of the end times. Sucks, huh?

I suppose then that certain precautions must be made against the inevitable end. First things first. Supplies. Need food and water to sustain myself until the hell spawn comes to collect me. Never know how long that will take, as they’re notoriously unreliable. They were scheduled to take Carrot Top ages ago and that fucker’s still around. Should have sent in Seal Team Six. Oh well. Back to supplies.

Let’s see. Open fridge, what’ve we got? Soda, purple stuff…aw Sunny D! Aw right! That should last a day or two. Ok, now food. Hmmm….half a pack of bologna, some cheese, country crock spread, open pack of hotdogs (probably no good anymore), and a lone carrot (good for the eyes!). Ok, I can work with that.

What else? Weapons? Not really. I’ve got a old back scratcher that’ll probably give a splinter to the first demon I see who can’t reach that area behind the back, you know, between the shoulder blades? Doesn’t that suck? I mean, sometimes I just gotta start rubbing up against a wall or a tree like a goddamn bear, and it feels so good you forget where you are, and when you open your eyes again everyone in the bank is looking at you like you’re a freak. Fuck em.

Well, my search for provisions didn’t yield much. Not much else to do but sit quietly and contemplate all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Like the hole in my roof I made last night in case I got raptured. Yes, I can see the mistake there. Easy access for demons. But I can fix that. A little duct tape and….

…a knock at the door. I never realized that demons would be so polite.

Ok, I can do this with dignity.

Huh. Standing outside my door is a young lady wearing a Reliant Energy t-shirt. Cleary disturbed, she haltingly begins to ask me if I’m happy with my electric provider. Poor child. Obviously she hasn’t yet come to terms with what has happened. Clinging to the last vestiges of her former life and the security of routine, she stands before me shuddering and fearful. That’s when I realize I’m naked.

Ok, I can explain that.

See, when I thought I might be raptured, I thought, “Who needs clothes in the heavenly domain?”. I mean , God has seen me au natural, so why burden myself with the trappings of this earthly realm? Maybe should have reconsidered. Oh well.

Turning back to the young lady at the door I attempt to comfort her. I reach out to place my arm around her shoulders and invite her into my house for safety. Obviously still traumatized by recent events, she begins to struggle against me. I may have to knock her out and drag her in. For her safety.

There’s a rock on the ground, that should do nicel- ow!

Crazy girl kicked my shin! Now she’s running away screaming about cops. Denial is an ugly thing.

“I hope the hellspawn catch up with you, you crazy bitch!” I scream after her.

Well, back to waiting for the end…

1 hour later..

Another knock on my door. It’s the police. Good news is that the world didn’t end. That’s a relief. I already ate the bologna and drank the Sunny D. Bad news is I’m being arrested. Something about sexual assault and attempted kidnapping. Clearly a misunderstanding, I’m sure we can clear this up in no time.

Anyone know a reliable roofer?

JrX

Where were you when the world ended?

Apparently the world will end on a Saturday. This Saturday. At approx. six pm. (eastern time?)

Thats the prediction being made by 89-year-old Harold Camping, of the The Christian network Family Radio. You may have seen billboards proclaiming his warning around town, and evidently around the country as well. From http://newsfeed.time.com :

--"...Camping cites two Bible passages to determine the date. The Book of Peter implies that the end of the world will occur 7,000 years from the date of the great flood. And the Book of Genesis says the flood occurred on the "17th day of the second month." Taking a look at the Jewish calendar, the de facto guide in that era, May 21, 2011, is the corresponding date. Family Radio predicts that great earthquakes will shake the earth at 6 p.m. on the 21st, continuing for five months."--

Of course this isn't the first time someone as predicted the end of the world. Camping himself predicted it would end in 1994, the prediction appearing in a book he authored, 1994? Note the question mark. But Camping believes that the earlier prediction failed to take into account "subsequent biblical information". That he apparently has now. From reading the same book. That hasn't changed significantly in over a thousand years.

But he's super sure now.

Just take a look at his website: http://www.familyradio.com

He's so confident this time he provides us with a convenient countdown right up front, letting us know how much longer we heathens have left. Did I forget to mention the heathens? Particularly the gay ones.

--"What signs precede the Day of Judgment?

Jesus warned of several spiritual signs, such as the complete degradation of the Christian church, the devastating moral breakdown of society, the re-establishment of National Israel in1948, the emergence of the 'Gay Pride Movement', and the complete disregard of the Bible in all of society today as direct evidence of His return."--

Yep. Gays and Jews, and the complete disregard of the bible. Turns out Cartman was right after all. But there's good news! Camping believes that roughly 200 million souls will be saved on May 21, before the ultimate end five months later on Oct. 21 (saves on holiday purchases). Thats better odds than 144,000! Bad news for everyone else though; Camping believes that those "unsaved" will simply cease to exist. No hell, no purgatory, and certainly no pearly gates.

As I'm not likely to be counted among the saved (i'm not gay or of israeli descent, just a jerk), I won't be holding my breath waiting for the zero hour. But if the world is going to end, I've got a joint ready to spark up.

Good Luck!

JrX

Welcome!

Welcome to Random Crapp! The blog where I blog about.. well..random crapp. I started this blog years ago in order to share my thoughts with an eagerly anticipating world (I realize that "eagerly anticipating" may be redundant. I don't care. That's the kind of boldness we employ at Random Crapp.) Almost four years later, we're ready to roll!

Updates will emerge periodically through time (as opposed to space?) on a variety of topics, including, but not to be limited to:

• politics
• entertainment
• sports (nah, not really)
• breaking news,...etc

Additionally, I will be deciding soon on a particularly existential question that we're sure everyone will want resolved: Should this blog refer to "I", as I am the only blogger. Or, should this blog refer to itself in the royal "We", as I have a tendency to be narcissistic. We'll be trying out both over the next few weeks, unless I forget.

Anyway...thanks for reading! First post will be coming soon!

JrX