Random Resolutions

Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a dreamer.  I tend not to think big.  I’m more of a day to day kind of guy.  That being said, I would be lying to you if I said I didn't have certain ideas on how 2013 should have gone.  As we come to the end of the first month of 2014 however, it would seem that reality had other plans for me, and I’m forced to reconsider the viability of  some of my previous years resolutions. 

First of all, while my resolution to produce an off Broadway play featuring adult versions of all your favorite Peanuts characters did manage to have a limited run, I can’t in good conscience call it a success.  I can see now how exploring Peppermint Patties lesbian relationship with Marcie could have ruined a substantial part of many of your childhoods and how it may offended the sensibilities of some of our more conservative friends.  Additionally, having Charlie Brown sleep with the stuffed remains of his canine companion Snoopy may have been in bad taste.  As a result, I've removed all sexual innuendos regarding the man and his dog.  While I applaud (actors name redacted)’s dedication to realism, I realize now that their love scene was ill conceived at best .  I’m happy to report that his therapy is going well and he should be home soon.

I had such good intentions...

Second, my resolution to obtain at least one celebrities autograph clearly didn't go well either.  Here and now, I would like to extend my most heartfelt and court mandated apology to Jennifer Lawrence.  I realize that I can at times come off as overzealous, and in retrospect it seems like stalking you to your home and forcing you to read passages from the Hunger Games may have crossed a line.  I suppose it is some comfort that I now have your signature on my copy of the restraining order. 

Once again, my apologies.

Finally, my last resolution to become a vigilante superhero has been marginally more successful.  Tracking criminals through the shadows of our fair city in my homemade costume of black sheets and makeshift utility belts made of 100% faux leather, dispensing my own brand of justice and reading of my exploits in the morning papers has been nothing short of the best experience of my life.  In fact, the horde of police cars and press vehicles pulling up to my drive way promise to make it even more exciting.  They must have found one of my signature calling cards I leave behind with the battered remains of the criminals I've vanquished.  No doubt here to escort me to city hall to receive the key to the city.

Mine doesn't have nipples.

So this is where I part with you, inconstant reader.  With the promise of a glorious new year ahead of us and all that that entails, I leave you with these words of wisdom from Nelson Mandela:  You either get busy living, or you get busy dying.  

Then again, maybe that was Morgan Freeman.  Doesn't matter. Truth, man. Truth.

JrX

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