What Really Happened to Santa on Christmas Eve?

Christmas day is almost over and by now most of you have exchanged gifts with your loved ones, secretly decided to return almost all of them for store credit, had at least two dinners at different houses and are now reaching for the last bottle of beer to help put you out of your yuletide misery.  But before you nod off to visions of sugar plums dancing in your head, you seem to recall a story on the morning news regarding Santa’s flight around the world the night before.  Something about how old St. Nick almost didn't make it.  Stomach flu or some such thing. 

Probably just lactose intolerant and had one too many glasses of milk, you think.  But there was something about unconfirmed reports of a kidnapping, explosions…you weren't really paying attention. 

Well, no worries.  We here at Random Crapp have got all you need to know about last night.  Starting with the fact that the United States government is actively trying to cover up certain events that transpired during our latest Christmas Eve.  Even now, the best Google searcher in the world would be unable to find any news reports or cached sites from last night containing certain key words like Santa, North Korea, Kirk Cameron and so on, during the hours of 1am to 6:30am. 

But thanks to the magic of screen capture and our intense boredom, we were able to stay abreast of the situation even as the government was busy scrubbing all mention of what really transpired on Christmas Eve from the world wide web. Below you will find transcribed notes from Associated Press breaking news bulletins that were meant for wide distribution to various news agencies, but have since been heavily redacted.   The truth shall set us free!

1:06am Associated Press Breaking News Alert: 

According to eyewitnesses reporting live from Seoul, South Korea, several North Korean fighter jets have engaged in a aerial dogfight with Santa Claus. As of this posting, two reindeer are down and you're probably not getting that Xbox One bundle.

More updates as they come…

1:36am AP Breaking News Alert:

Following a brutal midair attack by North Korean fighter jets, Santa Claus has narrowly made his way into friendlier skies, albeit without Blitzen and Rudolph who are now prisoners of Dear Leader Kim Jong Un. 

A list of demands in exchange for the release of the two reindeer is expected soon...

1:57am AP Breaking News Alert:

In exchange for the release of Blitzen and Rudolph, North Korea demands that actors James Franco and Seth Rogen immediately produce a film praising Dear Leader Kim Jong Un as Earths "greatest pudgy dictator". 

Although it's possible we translated that last part wrong..

2:15am AP Breaking News Alert:

Horror on holiday, as North Pole representatives receive a package from North Korea containing the severed nose of Rudolph the (formerly) Red Nosed Reindeer. Attempts to contact James Franco and Seth Rogen have been unsuccessful, as it is presumed they are both too high to respond.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Santa may have contacted Kirk Cameron for assistance. Stay with Associated Press for further updat-, ok, this just in: North Korea has just bombed Kirk Cameron. He's dead.

2:28am AP Breaking News Alert:

Shocking video of North Korean soldiers beheading beloved reindeer Blitzen prompts President Obama to authorize Emergency Operation: Slay Ride, a joint mission between the U.S. and the North Pole led by Clark Griswold and that one kid from A Christmas Story, as well as several unnamed but presumably expendable elves.

More updates as the situation develops..

4:45am AP Breaking News Alert:

Operation: Slay Ride has failed. After a series of wacky misunderstandings, Gen. Griswold led his men/elves directly into the active mine field of the DMV. No bodies have yet been recovered. Pres. Obama on the failed mission is quoted as saying, "Probably shouldn't have sent Chevy fucking Chase."

With little hope left, the world prays for a hero...

4:57am AP Breaking News Alert:

A hero rises? Quint, the salty old sea dog from the movie Jaws offers to rescue Rudolph for $10,000. Quint: " for ten thousand dollars, you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing". In response, the North Koreans send another package to Santa containing a hoof and a note that reads "You're going to need a bigger sleigh lol."

Santa is not amused.

5:18am AP Breaking News Alert:

With nowhere else to turn, and James Franco and Seth Rogen too high to stop laughing, Santa trades in his traditional sleigh for a more advanced, weaponized version of the classic conveyance. Replacing the reindeer he has left for a pair of experimental jet engines and a host of surface to air missiles, Santa suits up in a next generation bullet proof red cloak and prepares to invade North Korea. With several machine guns, pistols, knives and a few sharp sticks strapped to his back, Santa vows not to return without Rudolph. 

A hopeful world waits with baited breath...

6:11am AP Breaking News Alert:

After an explosive battle with the North Korean army, Santa engaged in a furious sword fight with Dear Leader Kim Jong Un on the presidential palace balcony. As the Korean people looked on, Santa brought his sword swinging cleanly through the dictator’s neck. Holding the severed head aloft, Santa declared the North Koreans free from the oppressive regime and offered anyone willing to go back with him a secure future working alongside his elves at the North Pole. Although the wages are paid almost entirely in candy canes, many took him up on his offer because, hey, food is food.

Rudolph the Stub Nosed Reindeer is currently being airlifted to the North Poles infirmary, where elvish doctors hope to be able to reattach his severed appendages. We wish him well on his long road to recovery. In the meantime, Santa has promised to complete his rounds as scheduled, despite his own not inconsiderable wounds. Authorities caution Santa to temporarily skip certain parts of the U.S. this morning, as they worry that his disheveled appearance might cause some people to "stand their ground".

And THAT, my friends, is what really happened last night.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!


JrX

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Ebola And You: We're Not All Going to Die. Probably.

With the emergence of Ebola in the United States, more and more people are becoming concerned about this deadly and often misunderstood virus.  Since its arrival in Dallas, brought by a Liberian man visiting family, the national mood regarding the virus that is currently cutting a devastating swath of destruction across parts of Africa has evolved from a mild ambivalence to holy shit we’re all going to die.  

Already we’re seeing reports of schools closing, people being told to stay home from work if they've been to Dallas recently and lawmakers calling for travel restrictions from Africa.  It’s gotten to the point that you can hardly even turn on the TV without seeing some new anchor, pundit or politician exclaiming all the ways that Ebola could affect you.  Many of them don’t actually have medical degrees or any kind of scientific background but that hasn't stopped them from pontificating at great length about how much more they know than anyone else.  

Actual Fox News Screenshot.

So what are the facts?  It can’t possibly be as bad as everyone says, right?  Or are we all on the cusp of some sort of viral apocalypse?  No worries, we here at Random Crapp have decided to break down the facts for you into easily digestible pieces, like pizza rolls.  In order to do that, we've enlisted the help of renowned virologist Dr. Doc McFakey.  He recently sat down with us in the Random Crapp offices.  Below is the transcript.  

(tape starts)

Random Crapp (RC):  Dr. McFakey, thank you for taking the time to sit with us.  I know your time is valuable.

Dr. McFakey (Doc):  You’re welcome.  I’m happy to answer any questions you might have that could help assuage the concerns of your readership.

RC:  Of course.  Dr., tell us.  What is Ebola?

Doc:  Ebola, also known as Ebola hemorrhagic fever, is a disease of humans and other mammals caused by ebolavirus.  Symptoms can include fever, sore throat, muscle pain, followed by vomiting, diarrhea and decreased function of the liver and kidneys.  People who are infected may eventually begin to bleed within the body as well as externally from the eyes, noses and other orifices.  

RC:  Holy shit.  That’s sounds horrible. 

Doc:  Indeed.

RC:  In your estimation, how long do we have before we all die?

Doc:  We’re not all going to die.

RC:  But Doc, we've seen the news reports.  Schools closing, people being sent home from work, rioting, looting, a wholesale breakdown in civilization.  I think I saw someone throw a shoe.

Doc:  Are you sure you’re not just watching the Walking Dead?  That just came back on last week.

RC:  Pretty sure I saw it on Fox.

Doc:  Well there you go.

RC:  Lets change gears for a moment.  On a scale of one to ten, one being we’re all going to die and ten being good god there’s zombies eating my face, how worried should I be?

Doc:  Look, I don’t think you’re listening to me.  The chances of you personally getting Ebola are anywhere from slim to none.

RC:  How can you so sure? 

Doc:  I don’t know, maybe because I’m a goddamn doctor.  How’s that?

RC:  Ok, alright.  So how come we've already got a couple of cases of Ebola here in the US, smarty pants.

Doc:  Ok, try to pay attention.  The only way to catch Ebola would be to interact with the bodily fluids of someone who is ALREADY showing symptoms of the disease.  The only people who have contracted Ebola here in the US have been the health care workers who have been caring for the Liberian man who came here earlier this month.  Despite all the protocols, they must have come into contact with his bodily fluids and have tragically contracted the disease. 

RC:  So, I probably won’t get it?

Doc:  Do you have any plans that involve visiting Dallas, Tx, infiltrating the heavily guarded isolation area and french kissing the nurses who have Ebola, or otherwise exposing any type of open wounds to their spittle, blood, urine or feces?

RC:  I don’t know…

Doc:  What…what do you mean you don’t know?  You don’t know if you’re going to intentionally infect yourself with a deadly disease?

RC:  I try to take life day by day.

Doc:  …..what news organization did you say you worked for again?

RC:  Lets move on.  I can see that you’re getting uncomfortable.   Doctor, I have here some twitter questions from the interwebs concerning Ebola.  Perhaps you could answer them for us.

Doc:  Ok, fine.  Whatever.

RC:  Alright, the first one is…

Actual tweet.

Doc:  Uh, wow.  Um, you know, probably not.  I don’t think we have any documented cases of people passing along ebola through their flatulence.

RC:  What if you put your mouth right up against their anus, like the human centipede?

Doc:  Then you’ve got bigger problems then Ebola, my friend.

RC:  Fair enough.  Ok, here’s another….

Again, actual tweet.

Doc:  That’s not even a question.  It’s incredibly racist, but not a question.

RC:  Hmmm, you right about that, sorry.  We didn’t really screen any of these.  To be honest, all my research in preparation for this interview came from watching Outbreak, starring Dustin Hoffman.

Doc:  Good movie.  Didn’t that also have the guy who played Morpheus?  Denzel Washington, right?

RC:  Dude that was Morgan Freeman in Outbreak.  And Laurence Fishbourne  played Morpheus.

Doc:  Huh, I get them confused sometimes.

RC:  Whoa!  Who’s the racist now?

Doc:  Hey, now, that’s not what I meant!  I meant I get a lot of actors confused, that’s all!

RC:  Yeah, sure.  But speaking of actors, some news reports are estimating that if Kevin Bacon were to somehow get Ebola, the universal law of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon would wipe out mankind in a matter of weeks.  

Doc:  That's just ridiculous.

RC:  Are you sure? Because Kevin Bacon was in Sleepers with Robert DeNiro, who was in Awakenings with Robin Williams, who was in Good Will Hunting with Ben Affleck, who was in Daredevil that featured songs from Evanescence and I've seen them in concert TWICE!

Doc:  uhhh.....

Loki:  Enough!  I am a god, you dull creature!  

Doc:  Who the hell is that?!

RC:  Oh, shit.  It's Loki.  I swear, I don't know how he keeps getting in here.

Loki:  You will all kneel before me!

RC;  We better wrap this up, he's not going anywhere.

Doc:  Thank god, this was the stupidest interview I've ever done.  Thank you.

RC;  Whatever, Dr. Racist McRacist.

Doc:  I'm not racist!  Some of my best friends are blactors!  I mean actors!  I mean..shit!

Loki:  Quiet, you mewling quim!  I need to find my staff.  A talking racoon stole it.

RC:  Ok, fuck it, we're done here.

(tape ends)

Well, I hope that cleared up any lingering questions any of you might have had about Ebola.  So long as you keep yourself away from any buttholes that have been exposed to the virus, you should be fine.  But god help us if Kevin Bacon gets sick. 

The man is a national treasure.

JrX

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My Interview with The Guardians of the Galaxy

With the $94 million opening of Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel studios continues to dominate our theaters with obscure and little known properties that no one would have guessed would make any money even just ten years ago.  And yet, with the success of Iron Man, Thor and Captain America, Marvel is pretty much daring you at this point to watch a film with a talking raccoon a what looks like a leftover Ent from Lord of the Rings.  But if they're playing a game of chicken, clearly they're winning since audiences and critics continue to fellate the hell out of anything Marvel shits out.  Hell, next we're getting an adaptation of AntMan.  AntMan!  Who the hell even knows who he is?  And the crazy part is, these are really good movies.  The only explanation for their impeccable track record I can think of is that their success was foretold by prophecy and cannot be stopped.

So, then, submitting to the inevitable, I lubed up my asshole and bought a ticket to see Guardians of the Galaxy, ready for it to make me its bitch.  And let me tell you, I got stretched, baby.

Looking back over what I just wrote, I think that maybe that metaphor may have gotten away from me, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying.  Anyway, after watching the film and having my mind appropriately blown, I decided to invite the Guardians of the Galaxy for a group interview here at the Random Crapp offices, much like my interview with the Avengers in 2012.  You'll find the transcript below.  Enjoy.

Me:  Thank you all for being here today, its a great honor to meet you, regardless of the apparent fee.  You know, I don't really think thats standard for interviews...

Rocket Raccoon:  Units up front, you glorified monkey!

Me:  I thought we agreed to pay you after the interview.  In units, was it?

Rocket Raccoon (RR):  Yeah, well, you can suck my unit!

Drax:  I do not understand.  How can he suck a unit?

Me:  Its just a figure of spe...you know what, Drax, we'll get to you later, ok?

Drax:  I am here now!

Star Lord:  Everyone calm down!  Rocket, chill.  Drax, why aren't you reading that book I gave you?  It will save a lot of time.

Me:  Thanks, Star Lord.  Guess I'll start with you.  Wait, what are you doing?

Star Lord:  Uh!..Chicka bow...Oh yea!..what do you mean?....Shimona!..

Me:  Why are you dancing?

Star Lord:  I'm not dancing...uh!!...ooh, yea!!...I'm distracting you.

Me:  I don't underst-hey, give me back my wallet you greasy little rodent!

RR:  I need it for my plan to work!

Me:  What plan?  What the fuck?

Gamora:  I would be more careful with your words, if I were you.  And by the way, your office is filthy.

Me:  Its not that bad.  The rest of it is pretty nice actually, I'll show you later if you want.

Gamora:  Are you trying to seduce me?!

Me:  What?  Dude, you're an alien.  Do you even have a vagina?

Groot:  I am groot!

RR:  Ha!  You said it, pal!

Me:  Ok, stop, this is getting out of hand!

Drax:  There is nothing in my hands!  I keep them free to crush my enemies!

Me:  Oh. My god.  Shut up.  You're the worst character here.

Star Lord:  I haven't seen a debacle like this since those nazis opened the Ark of the Covenant!

Me:  Ok, man, we get it.  You saw a lot of 80's movies before Yondu decided to probe you.

Star Lord:  Alf.  The Cosbys.  Random movie reference that makes fanboys cream themselves.

Loki:  You will all kneel before me!

Me:  Whatthefuck?!  Where the hell did you come from?

RR:  Hey, Loki!  Do me a favor?  I need to borrow your staff for a secret plan.

Gamora:  I am a warrior and assassin!  I don't have time for this!

Me:  You are green with small tits.  Sit down.

Groot:  I am groot!

Me:  Jesus Christ.

Nick Fury:  Why aren't I in this motherfucking  movie?!!

Me:  That's it!  Everyone out!  Fuck it.

(overlapping voices arguing...lots of groots...a few gun blasts)

tape ends.

Well, that went about as well as the last one, which is to say I somehow survived.   You're welcome.

JrX

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More Random Pic(k)s: (20 images)

Wow, I haven't updated here in a while, have I?  I'll have something new soon, I promise.  Until then, enjoy some random pics from the interwebs.

JrX

Random Pic(k)s Part 6 (21 photos)

More random pic(k)s for you to enjoy on this fine Saturday afternoon.  Viva la resistance!

JrX

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Random Crapp Diet Tips, 2014 Edition

As summer approaches and the days get warmer, its time to start thinking about getting your flabby winter body into swimsuit model mode.  Whether you’re just trying to lose a few pounds or attempting to excise the equivalent of an entire human being made of fat from your belly, it’s time you start thinking about going on a diet.  But what if you’re not sure you can stick to a diet?  After all, your new years resolution to lose weight dissipated like a fart in the breeze.  Well, have no fears.  Your good friends here at Random Crapp have got you covered with a few surefire ways to shed pounds fast!

(Editors note:  This is a humor website.  At no time are we actually suggesting you utilize any of these options.  This is meant as satire.  Don’t be stupid.)

Follow me to beauty!

Bulimia.

Not to be confused with anorexia, in which a person has a fear that they are overweight even when they are in fact underweight.  People with anorexia have an intense fear of weight gain and, not to disparage anyone currently struggling with anorexia, lets face it;  if you really had a fear of weight gain, you wouldn't be stuffing $20 steaks down your gullet like you were a goddamn pelican.  

I know I have anorexia because every time I look in the mirror I see a fat person.

No, bulimia is a far more elegant solution to weight loss that involves purging your body of food immediately after eating via vomiting, taking a laxative, diuretic, or stimulant.  Yes, with bulimia you can literally shit yourself to looking beautiful! 

Warning:  Adverse side effects may include but are not limited to:  potassium loss and health deterioration, with depressive symptoms that are often severe and lead to a high risk of suicide.  Good luck!

Diet pills/drugs

Unless someone has painstakingly copied this by hand to a public restroom wall, chances are you’re reading this on the inter-webs.  If that’s the case then you've no doubt come across your fair share of online advertisements for a wide variety of diet pills offering everything from a promise to lose a few extra  pounds of unsightly belly fat,  to shakes and supplements designed to turn that fat into lightly tanned muscle somehow, possibly by magic, we’re not sure.  But with all those options, how are supposed to chose the right one for you?  Answer:  meth.  Wait, what?  You don’t do drugs?  Tell me this.  Have you ever seen a fat drug addict?  Yeah, I didn't think so. 

Warning:  In addition to fat, you may also lose:  teeth, hair, appetite, skin color, memory,  and, eventually, vital signs.  Worth it!

Parasites

Ok, stay with me on this one.

There are actually unconfirmed rumors of diet pills sold in the 1950’s that contained tapeworms as a way to lose weight.  As long as you don’t mind a little cysticercosis, possible blindness, brain damage and even death in extreme cases.  And trust me, you don’t even want to know what cysticercosis is.  But hey, all that matters is you look good, right? 

I want to be inside you...

Right?

See you at the beach!!

 (Do not attempt any of these solutions, seriously, this is a joke.  It pains me that I have to put up this disclaimer.  This is why we can't have nice things.  I just absolutely know that one of you idiots is going to email me asking if you should really try this.  Don't.  Put the internet down and return to your room, the nice people in white coats should be along any minute with your medication.)

Jrx

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