(I know this is short but I didn't have a lot of time. I promise I'll have something new up soon! Happy Turkey Day!)
Welcome to the Random Crapp Guide to Ruining Thanksgiving! If you’re here it’s because you ruined Thanksgiving! Congratulations! Your wife/husband will one day share this information with the judge at your divorce hearing! Until then, we’re here to help get you through this and straight to dessert, assuming you haven’t burned down your house. Speaking of which, what’s with all the smoke?
Yeah, about that. I may have overcooked the turkey.
Ok, no worries. Let’s see it.
Here it is.
Holy shit! Is that a turkey or did satan take a shit in your kitchen?
Yeah, I know. It's a little burnt.
A little? Jesus, it looks like it just reentered Earth's atmosphere! What temperature did you have the oven on? Hell?
Ok, “ha ha”. It’s not funny. Just tell me what to do here.
Alright, I’m sorry, let's figure this out. First, tell me the family situation. How many people are you feeding for thanksgiving today?
It’s just my wife and son. It’s our first thanksgiving.
Maybe your last?
If you don’t fucking help me, who knows!
Ok, calm down. Is there anyway you can blame this on your son?
Well, he’s 18 months old, so probably not.
First of all, he’s a year and a half not “18” months old. I’m 36 but you don’t see me calling myself 400 months old. It’s stupid.
Whatever, what the second thing?
What second thing?
You said first of all, I just assumed there was a second thing.
I don’t know, I lost my train of thought there. Did you know you have a meteorite in your kitchen?
It’s not a meteorite! It’s the goddamn turkey and you’re supposed to be helping me fix it!
Yeah, unless you have a time machine there’s no fixing that turkey. In fact, what you did to that bird is so fowl (rim shot) I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s soul haunted you for all eternity.
Oh, my god my wife is gonna kill me..
Look, its not so bad. Hey, I have an idea.
You do? Great! What is it?
You’re going to need a butter knife, a brown magic marker and a chicken with nothing to lose.
What the fuck are you talking about?
It’s simple. You scrape off all the black burned skin, color it over with brown magic marker and stuff it with a fried chicken.
Are...are you retarded?
Order chinese?
Fuck it.
Congratulations! You’ve made it through another Random Crapp guide! The only guide where we, you know, guide you. Or something. Happy Thanksgiving!!
JrX
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