Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The Story of Halloween, More or Less (Mostly Less)

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Well, dear readers, its that time of year again.  As autumn comes to a close and winter comes knocking at your door, we start the holidays with that perennial celebration of ghouls and goblins, tricks and treats and low budget horror movies from the eighties with..*ahem*..ample images of gratuitous nudity.  (There’s nothing like eighties breasts, am I right?)

Of course I'm right.

  I’m talking, of course, of Halloween.  A reckless orgy of candy, parties and bad decisions.  When costumed townsfolk stumble through the streets, knocking on doors, begging for candy like some sort of ghoulish salvation army.  But where did Halloween come from?  When did it start?  And why are these sexy cat-women giving me confusing feelings about my neighbors cats?  Well, we here at Random Crapp have decided to answer all these questions and more (except for the one about my neighbors cats.  The humane society was very helpful in that regard).   Here then is the history of Halloween, discovered after hours of exhaustive research that I probably shouldn't have done after half a bottle of Jack Daniels.  Enjoy.

Who started Halloween?

Halloween started millions of years ago, when Jesus saw his shadow.  Wait, that can’t be right.  Hang on…OK, here we go again.  Halloween started sometime in the past, probably when everyone still thought a good stink could cure most diseases.  Back then,  if you lived past thirty years old, you were probably in league with the devil.  These weren't exactly enlightened times, is what we’re saying.  Halloween, or Samhain as it was called, was originally a harvest festival, or maybe the Celtic new year, we weren't really paying attention.  It was believed that the souls of the dead could rise from their graves on this one day of the year because apparently the afterlife was pretty boring. 

What’s with the costumes?

During the celebration, people would often dress in animal skins in order to calm the spirits of the deceased or perhaps to blend in with them, so as not to incur their wrath.  After all, if you can’t beat them, join them.  What this has to do with today's sexy nurses is beyond the knowledge of this puny website. 

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?


So, my mom says Halloween is evil.  What’s up with that?

Well, I don’t want to contradict your mom, or question why she was kissing Santa Clause last year, but she’s full of crap.  After the Romans smacked Britain around like a red headed stepchild, they incorporated the Celtic holiday into a celebration of their dead.  Later, when the Romans embraced Christianity, the holiday changed once again.  November 1 became All-hallows, a day to celebrate their saints and martyrs, and October 31 became All-hallows Even.  And like the whisper game you played as a child, it eventually became Halloween.  These days, the most evil thing about Halloween is the stomach ache you get after eating absolutely obscene amounts of candy.  Also, that slutty pirate wench who stole your wallet after slipping you a mickey.  Evil bitch.

Ok, so what about pumpkins?  Where do they fit in?  And please don’t say my butt.

Well, I was going to make something up for this, but the actual story is pretty cool, so here goes.  According to Irish myth, there once was a man named Stingy Jack who was having a drink with the devil.  There’s no mention of why.  Maybe they were old army buddies, who knows.  Anyway, Stingy Jack didn't want to pay his tab, because he was stingy and all, so he somehow convinced the devil to turn into a coin to pay the bill.  However, instead of paying, good old Jack just pocketed the coin next to a cross in his jacket, which kept the devil in coin mode.  Before Jack would release the devil, he made him promise not to claim his soul upon his death.  When Jack finally did kick the proverbial bucket,  he discovered that heaven didn't want him either.  Because he couldn't go up or down, and because the devil is kind of a dick, he cursed Stingy Jack to wander the world with a single coal in a hollowed out turnip to light his way.  To the Irish, he was Jack of the Lantern, or Jack o’lantern.  I have no idea where the pumpkins came in as I didn't read that far.  Still pretty cool though, right?  Also, the pumpkins fit in your butt. 

Best. Pumpkin. Ever.



Nice, real classy of you

No problem.

Ok, how about the candy?  When did that start?

Well, during my research, I came across at least seven different reasons we give out candy on Halloween.  All of them were boring, so here’s my answer.  Back in the olden days, before the Internet, people wou-…no wait.  Ok, what happened was….well…hang on.  You know what?  I got nothing for this one.  I honestly thought I could come up with something, but nope.  Nothing.  Candy is awesome.  End of story. 

Pictured above:  awesomeness




And there you have it folks.  I hope this answered all your questions regarding Halloween .  Now it’s time for me to have a drink with my new friend.  What did you say your name was?  Bee Bub?  Beezle Bob?  What a strange name.  You’re buying this round.


JrX

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