My Interview With The Avengers

By now most of you have seen the avengers and added to its obscenely high global ticket sales.  Based on those sales, I estimate that there are approximately four people left in the world who haven’t seen it yet.  For those of you that have, we have a special treat for you today.  We recently sat down with the avengers for an in depth interview with the worlds mightiest superheroes.  What follows is a transcript of that interview.

Me: Thank you all for coming, I know you have a busy schedule.

Captain America: no prob

Me (whispering to cap): what’s Hawkeye doing here?

Cap (whispering): sorry , he followed us here.

Me (to Hawkeye): say hawkman…

Hawkeye: its Hawkeye.

Me: whatever. Do me a favor? Can you run to the next office? I forgot the tape recorder.

Hawkeye: isn’t that it on the table?

Me: yeah, no, its broken…

Hawkeye: ok, be right back

Leaves

Me (locks door): that should take care of that. So, captain, lets start with you.

Cap: ok, shoot

Me: does it bother you that in a movie full of super heroes in ridiculous outfits, one of whom is completely CGI, you are the only one that looks like a cartoon?

Cap: my agent assured me you wouldn’t bring that up.

Iron Man: you’re the one wearing it , rainbow brite.

Me: no offense iron man, but your constant quips and one liners were fun for a while, but they’re wearing thin…

Iron Man: that’s what she said

Me: ok enough with that!

Hawkeye (through door): guys? The doors locked.

Me: uh…yeah, it’s kinda stuck

Everyone snickers

Iron man: try shooting some arrows at it robin hood!

Me (to iron man): you just don’t stop do you?

Thud, thud, thud…

Thor: be those arrows hitting the door?  Doth he taketh you seriously?

Me: moving along….So, Thor.  What’s up with you and Loki?

Thor: he seeketh recompense for the events of the last movie.

Black widow: what’s recompense?

Thor: ..i beg thou pardon?

Black widow:  recompense.  What is that?

Thor: well, its , uhh..canst thou not infer its meaning from its context?

Black widow: you don’t know do you? Advanced civilization my ass.

Thor: By odins beard, it was in the script! And you’re only here because of thy large breasts!

Me: ok, lets bring this back to topic…

Loki: You are all of you beneath me! I am a god!

Me: who the fuck invited Loki?!

Thor: brother, do I look to be in a gaming mood?!

Loki: You will all kneel befor-

Hulk: hulk smash!

Loki: no wai-ahhhh!

Me: JESUS CHRIST!

Iron man: looks like Loki got godsmacked!

Me: ok one more of those and you’re out of here!

Nick fury: I am sick and tired of these motherfucking asgardians on this motherfucking earth!

Me: who brought nick fury?

Hulk: hulk think he came with loki.

Me: oh…and why aren’t you smashing shit?  Aren’t you, like, rage personified?

Hulk: hulk taking anger management classes…hulk was ordered by court.

Hawkeye: guys? I’m out of arrows…

Me: goddammit you suck!

Cap: take them out of the door dumbass!

Hawkeye: oh, yeah…

Me: alright, this isn’t going well. Lets just get a last word from everyone.

Iron man (counting $50 million): Billionaire…playboy…philanthropist.

Me: I hate you.

Cap: truth, justice and the American way.

Iron man: that’s superman asshole!

Hulk: hulk on step 4 of anger management plan; hulk recognize a power greater than hulk.

Me: like grammar?

Thor:  verily, I boned Natalie portman! it hath been a deleted scene..

Black widow: I have red in my ledger…and I’m Russian I guess.

Loki (painfully):  ….uuuhhhggg…

Nick fury: wheres my motherfucking paycheck?!

Me: well, Id like to thank you all for being here. It was a complete wast of my time. Also, fuck hawkeye.

Tape ends.

You’re welcome.

So I Watched The Avengers...

So The Avengers debuted a couple of weeks ago, and the world had itself a giant collective orgasm resulting in over a billion (sticky) dollars in ticket sales so far.  If you haven’t seen it yet, congratulations, you live in a cave.  Or you’re Amish.  In which case you should get off this infernal machine before the Amish devils gets you, or whatever happens when you stop being Amish.  They probably make you churn butter all day or something, I don’t know.  Anyway, I finally saw it the other day and enjoyed it very much.  However, despite the pleasant surprise of an almost perfect super hero movie, I did have a few quibbles about it.  Nothing that lessens my enjoyment, you understand; but still, a few things that I couldn’t get past.  In no particular order, here are the things I didn’t like about The Avengers:

Pepper Potts

Ok, just for the record, I have nothing against Gwyneth Paltrow.  She’s good looking and, well, that’s all I got.  I don’t mind that she’s the only supporting character from the previous films to appear in The Avengers.  But why doesn’t she wear shoes during any of her scenes? Was that part of the agreement to get her into the film?  Or maybe the film makers spent her shoe budget on Robert Downey Jr’s $50 million payday. In any case, I’m just not a foot guy.  Never have been, never will be.  I don’t date girls that wear flip flops, and it’s the one thing I don’t like about Quentin Tarantino movies.  If anyone is interested, I’m currently accepting donations in advance of the sequel to cover Ms. Paltrows shoe budget.  If we don’t help, who will?

notice how she's wearing shoes

Cpt. Americas Outfit

During the marketing for the Captain America movie, I kept hearing the phrase, “best superhero movie ever”.  I didn’t agree with that at the time, and I don’t agree with it now.  I could name at least five other super hero fims that are in my opinion better.  But I’m not going to open that debate back up.  I will say, however, that his outfit in the film was a whole lot better than in The Avengers.  It was simple, gritty and real. His outfit in the new film was just…cartoon.  Seriously, I just couldn’t watch him on screen and not wince and notice just how shiny his red boots were.  It was Green Lantern all over again. Stupid.

left image=cool; right image=cartoon

The Hulk

First of all, let me say that I think they did a fantastic job with the Hulk.  Best version so far in my opinion.  And the Hulk definitely had all the best fight scenes, especially the ones with Thor and Loki.  Watching Hulk and Thor trade blows was almost worth the ticket price (wish the fight had been longer), and watching Hulk smash Loki around like a rag doll was so awesome it has its own facebookpage.  But why have an entire scene where Hulk goes on a rampage against everyone on that flying ship thingy, and then turn around and have him all of a sudden be able to tell good guys from bad guys during the final battle?  There are moments during the finally fight when he just stands there with the other heroes, not smashing a goddamn thing.  He’s the motherfucking Hulk!  His whole job is to smash anything and everything all the time.  He’s rage incarnate for Christ’s sake!  We’re gonna go ahead and call this one a missed opportunity.

"So, Hulk smash? Or no Smash?"

Hawkeye

Jesus, where do I begin? 

First of all, he has no powers.  No powers, no joining the Avengers.  I mean, that has to be a disqualifier, right?  Where exactly does he fit in?  You’ve got a super soldier, a demigod, a guy with weoponized armor, and another guy who smashes the living shit out of anything that pisses him off.  Hawkeyes has a bow and arrow.  At least Black Widow makes up for her lack of powers by having breasts.  I noticed no such assets on Hawkeye.  Sure, he fires a couple of arrows into some alien skulls, but do you know what his main contribution was during the final battle?  Telling Iron Man to find some tight corners because the aliens couldn’t bank well in their little jet car things.  And what does our “hero” do once he’s run out of arrows?  He heroically jumps through a window and then heroically exits stage left.  The next time we see him, the battles over and he’s standing over Loki with the others, as if he’s been there the entire time.  Guess he had to dash over to the corner store and pick up more arrows. Fuck Hawkeye.

"Seriously? I get a bow and arrow set? That guy has freaking armor, man! ...Fuck."

There were a few other things I didn’t like about the movie, but we’re all in serious danger of me getting bored, so we’re gonna stop here.  I still give the film a solid four and a half stars, but I’m hoping The Dark Knight Rises will be better.  By the way, the preceding paragraphs contain spoilers, soooo….you know, ..you’ve been warned.