The Story of Halloween, More or Less (Mostly Less)

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Well, dear readers, its that time of year again.  As autumn comes to a close and winter comes knocking at your door, we start the holidays with that perennial celebration of ghouls and goblins, tricks and treats and low budget horror movies from the eighties with..*ahem*..ample images of gratuitous nudity.  (There’s nothing like eighties breasts, am I right?)

Of course I'm right.

  I’m talking, of course, of Halloween.  A reckless orgy of candy, parties and bad decisions.  When costumed townsfolk stumble through the streets, knocking on doors, begging for candy like some sort of ghoulish salvation army.  But where did Halloween come from?  When did it start?  And why are these sexy cat-women giving me confusing feelings about my neighbors cats?  Well, we here at Random Crapp have decided to answer all these questions and more (except for the one about my neighbors cats.  The humane society was very helpful in that regard).   Here then is the history of Halloween, discovered after hours of exhaustive research that I probably shouldn't have done after half a bottle of Jack Daniels.  Enjoy.

Who started Halloween?

Halloween started millions of years ago, when Jesus saw his shadow.  Wait, that can’t be right.  Hang on…OK, here we go again.  Halloween started sometime in the past, probably when everyone still thought a good stink could cure most diseases.  Back then,  if you lived past thirty years old, you were probably in league with the devil.  These weren't exactly enlightened times, is what we’re saying.  Halloween, or Samhain as it was called, was originally a harvest festival, or maybe the Celtic new year, we weren't really paying attention.  It was believed that the souls of the dead could rise from their graves on this one day of the year because apparently the afterlife was pretty boring. 

What’s with the costumes?

During the celebration, people would often dress in animal skins in order to calm the spirits of the deceased or perhaps to blend in with them, so as not to incur their wrath.  After all, if you can’t beat them, join them.  What this has to do with today's sexy nurses is beyond the knowledge of this puny website. 

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

So, my mom says Halloween is evil.  What’s up with that?

Well, I don’t want to contradict your mom, or question why she was kissing Santa Clause last year, but she’s full of crap.  After the Romans smacked Britain around like a red headed stepchild, they incorporated the Celtic holiday into a celebration of their dead.  Later, when the Romans embraced Christianity, the holiday changed once again.  November 1 became All-hallows, a day to celebrate their saints and martyrs, and October 31 became All-hallows Even.  And like the whisper game you played as a child, it eventually became Halloween.  These days, the most evil thing about Halloween is the stomach ache you get after eating absolutely obscene amounts of candy.  Also, that slutty pirate wench who stole your wallet after slipping you a mickey.  Evil bitch.

Ok, so what about pumpkins?  Where do they fit in?  And please don’t say my butt.

Well, I was going to make something up for this, but the actual story is pretty cool, so here goes.  According to Irish myth, there once was a man named Stingy Jack who was having a drink with the devil.  There’s no mention of why.  Maybe they were old army buddies, who knows.  Anyway, Stingy Jack didn't want to pay his tab, because he was stingy and all, so he somehow convinced the devil to turn into a coin to pay the bill.  However, instead of paying, good old Jack just pocketed the coin next to a cross in his jacket, which kept the devil in coin mode.  Before Jack would release the devil, he made him promise not to claim his soul upon his death.  When Jack finally did kick the proverbial bucket,  he discovered that heaven didn't want him either.  Because he couldn't go up or down, and because the devil is kind of a dick, he cursed Stingy Jack to wander the world with a single coal in a hollowed out turnip to light his way.  To the Irish, he was Jack of the Lantern, or Jack o’lantern.  I have no idea where the pumpkins came in as I didn't read that far.  Still pretty cool though, right?  Also, the pumpkins fit in your butt. 

Best. Pumpkin. Ever.

Nice, real classy of you

No problem.

Ok, how about the candy?  When did that start?

Well, during my research, I came across at least seven different reasons we give out candy on Halloween.  All of them were boring, so here’s my answer.  Back in the olden days, before the Internet, people wou-…no wait.  Ok, what happened was….well…hang on.  You know what?  I got nothing for this one.  I honestly thought I could come up with something, but nope.  Nothing.  Candy is awesome.  End of story. 

Pictured above:  awesomeness

And there you have it folks.  I hope this answered all your questions regarding Halloween .  Now it’s time for me to have a drink with my new friend.  What did you say your name was?  Bee Bub?  Beezle Bob?  What a strange name.  You’re buying this round.

JrX

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Strange Faces: Part 13

Part 13

“Ok, here comes the pain, “ proclaimed my twin.  In his hand he brandished the ultimate weapon.  My brother was right.  There could be nothing worse.

Holding a book above his head, he said, “I shall now read select passages from Twilight until you come out of the circle.”

My brother yelled out, “I freaking told you so!”

“Everybody shut up!”, I said.  “No one is reading anything.”

“I’m ready to come out.”

My twin looked at me with satisfaction.  “I’m glad you've finally seen reason.  Come to me.”

“Just, give me a minute, OK?”

Granting my request, he stepped back while I turned to my friend and brother.

“Well, Sancho, if this doesn't work out, I want you to know you've been a good friend.  Make sure you hide the porn on my computer.”

“No problem, bro.  Good luck.”  He dropped his head and turned away.  I’m gonna assume he cried.

“Buster,” I called to my brother.  “We always knew it would end up this way.”

“Going out fighting some sort of trans dimensional doppelganger?”, he replied.  “Yeah, I figured.  I’m not worried though.  I’m pretty sure you got this.”

Pleasantly surprised by my brothers confidence in me, I took a deep breath and exited the circle.

“All right, you really want to join with me?  Lets just see who comes out on top!”  I stepped toward him with my arms out, ready to do…whatever.  I really had no idea how this would turn out.  All I knew was that whatever this joining was, I had to dominate.

“Wait!” my nemesis cried. 

“Jesus!  What now?” I said.

“You seem oddly confident.  More so than before”, he said, eyeing me cautiously. 

“So what,” I responded.  “Aren't you supposed to be the superior part of me?  What are you worried about?”

“Oh, I am.  Don’t worry about that,” he replied.  “But I don’t think I want to take any chances.”

Now it was my turn to be suspicious.  “What are you saying?”

“Oh, I’m just thinking I don’t really need you at all.”  And with that he lunged for me with a speed that I would not have thought possible considering his size.  Bringing my face close to his, he whispered, “I think I can live without you.”

Swinging me around, he tossed me like a rag doll directly toward my grandmothers mirror, still leaning against the tree.  Tripping on an exposed root, I crashed directly into it.

But crashed is the wrong word.  It felt more like being sucked in, a mini black hole, the laws of physics being suspended unwillingly.  I wish I could have seen it from the perspective of my friends.  As it was, it was as if I was falling forever.  And then nothing.

 JrX

Sharknado? More like Shark-nodo

(Update:  Apparently I need to put a disclaimer up, because too many people don't know the meaning of satire.  This is a humor site.  Everything you read here is fictional.  You're welcome.)


Sharks.  Ever since Jaws, sharks have been in the public consciousness as the mightiest predator in the seas.  With their sleek form, lighting fast attacks and dead black eyes as soulless as Michael Myers, it’s little wonder that they encapsulate all that’s mysterious and deadly about our planets oceans, 95% of which are still unexplored.  So popular are sharks, that they are the star attractions of Discovery Channels’ yearly Shark Week.  Yes, on the network that gave us Amish Mafia, we still get the occasional science related program. 

"So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks.  And I'm like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex.  And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex?...Because whales are mammals and sharks are animals.  They have nothing to do with each other."-actual quote from Discovery Channel interview.

 Even the Syfy network is getting involved in the shark craze, releasing original films like Sharknado, Ghost Shark and Jersey Shore Shark Attack. 

 

This is real.  And so stupid, Google refused to participate.

With all this interest in sharks, we here at Random Crapp decided to delve deeper into what all the fuss is about.  We contacted noted marine biologist Dr. Stephanie Carter from the University of Texas Marine Science Institute in Port Aransas, Tx.  What follows is a transcript of our interview.

transcript begins

Random Crapp (RC):  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

Dr. Stephanie Carter (Dr.):  Of course.  After all, when the senior editor from Scientific American requests an interview, you don’t say no!

RC:  (clearing throat) Right.  Scientific American.  Where I’m from.  Let’s start, if we can, by you giving your name and occupation, for the record.

Dr.:  My name is Dr. Stephanie Carter.  I’m a marine biologist with the University of Texas Marine Science Institute. 

RC:   And you’re a sharkologist?

Dr.:  Well, technically, I’m an ichthyologist. 

RC:  An icky pologist?

Dr.:  Ichthyologist.

RC:  Wiki dogolist?

Dr.: Icthy-..you know what?  I’m a sharkologist.

RC:  So as a sharkologist, what’s up with this whole Megalodon thing on Discovery Channel?  That thing is huge!

Dr.:  The megalodon was one of the largest predators ever to inhabit the oceans.  Growing anywhere from 45-60 feet in length, think of a very large great white shark.

RC:  Holy crapp.  That’s one big fish!

Dr.: Indeed.

RC:  And what is the scientific community doing to curb the threat of the modern megalodon?

Dr.:  What do you mean?  Modern megalodon?

RC:  As I’m sure you’re aware, there was a recent documentary on the Discovery Channel proving that these creatures still exist.

Dr.:  I can assure you, no megalodons exist today.  They died out millions of years ago, sometime around the time the Discovery Channel lost all credibility. 

RC:  Fair enough.  What about sharknado?

Dr.:  Excuse me?

RC:  On a scale of one to ten, one being no threat, and ten being an invasion of walking sharks armed with advanced aquatic weaponry led by Aquaman, how much danger would you say we are in?

Dr.:  ……

RC:  Dr. Carter?

Dr.:  ….I’m sorry.  That question was so stupid, I think I may actually have died for a few seconds.

RC:  Well, welcome back?

 Dr.:  Thanks.  It was close.

RC:  Back to sharknado…-

Dr.:  I’m sorry, excuse me.  But you said you were from Scientific American?

RC:  Uh, yes, that’s right.

Dr.:  Would you mind showing me some credentials.

RC:  (reaching into my wallet)  Here you go.  My card.

Dr.:  This is a receipt.  For hemorrhoid cream.

RC:  My number is on the back.

Dr.:  Why?

RC:  I’m single, so…you’re kinda cute?

Dr.:  Get out.

Transcript ends

I would like to thank the University of Texas and Dr. Stephanie Carter for their time and for not pressing charges.  I would say this was a complete waste of time, but I managed to sneak a shark skull out of the reception room as I was being escorted out.  So, you know.  Score.

JrX

I Don't Get it

This post is unrelated to my short story Strange Faces.  Enjoy.

If you follow me on facebook, some of you may already know this, but the other day I was watching a video on Redtube and I ran into a little problem. 

(I’m gonna pause right here to let you fabricate your own jokes to the above sentence.)

(All done?)

First of all, don’t sit there and tell me you’ve never watched a porn video online, you sick bastard.  We all do it.  Some of the top porn sites online get more hits that Google and Facebook combined.  Current studies show up to 30% of all web traffice is pornography.  That means that after you “like” your friends cat pics on Facebook and check the news, you’re most likely to head over to Pornhub and rub one out.  Another way of saying that is if you live with two other people, and you yourself never watch porn, beware of sticky surfaces. 

But all of that is besides the point.  The point is, as I was trying to close the video I was watching, I accidently hit the “share on Facebook” button.  Now, that scared the shit out of me.  Because, while I’m not particulary ashamed to be watching porn, it’s not an activity I like to share with friends and family.  It’s one of those things you just don’t share with most people.  So why the fuck is there a Twitter and Facebook button on those videos?  I mean, who made that decision?  Wouldn’t you love to have been there when that conversation took place?

-We’ve done it John!  The most largest and most comprehensive porn site on the internet!

-Great job, Gary!  But I feel like its missing something, don’t you?

-What do you mean?

-Well, when you’re watching porn online, what the one thing you wish you could do?

-Hmmm…I supppose I always wished that I could share my mastubatory aids with all my friends and family.  But that will probably never happen.

-Don’t be so sure.  Why not put a “share” button on every video?  That way you can post to Facebook or Twitter any video that gets you off, like that one with the two guys and the girl, with the chains, you know?

-Yes!  By golly, you’re right!  My grandma would love that!  Also, cat pics!

In closing, no I don’t want to share my porn with my friends and family.  But thank you for asking.

Strange Faces: Part 12

Strange Faces:  Part 12

Depression can affect people in a lot of different ways. Some people try to hide it. Some will seek help. Others will just give in. It just becomes too much to handle on their own. Of course, there are resources out there for people like that, support groups and such. But that would require an admission that something is wrong with you. And that's a step too far for most.

There's a sort of social stigma associated with depression. A kind of inherent shame that most people experience. A feeling that, on some level, you're broken. You lose interest in things, you can't sleep, you cry for no reason. It's a feeling of hopelessness. A sense that everything is going wrong. Trying to explain that to people just makes them think you're sad. But being sad when things go wrong is normal. Depression is being sad when things are fine.

As for me, I try to hide it. For as long as I can remember, I feel like I've been living two different lives. In one life, I'm funny and fun to be with. I go out drinking and partying with friends. I ask the occasional girl out on a date. Everything that you would expect from someone normal. Because that's what I'm trying to be. Normal. Or at least what I think normal is.

But my other life is different. The life no one else sees is anything but normal. It's a constant struggle to find a reason to get up every morning. To locate the motivation to live for another day. Because there's no real joy in anything I do. Happiness, to me, is a fable. An illusion. An urban myth, like bigfoot or the jersey devil. It's something everyone talks about, but I've never seen. So I pretend. I'm good at that. I practice my smile and slip on my mask and hope that no one notices.

But it gets harder everyday. And the harder it gets, the more I look for a way out. An exit from this life that seems like a carnival ride from hell. So it seems that my current situation would be ideal. Here's a way out that I never envisioned before, and I wouldn't have to do anything other that submit. And it would be soooo easy. Because to do it myself would be too hard. I know. I've tried.

They say that taking your own life is the easy way out. That real courage is living your life. Well, I disagree. To me, living is easy. All it takes is breath and time. Ending your life, on the other hand, is the most difficult thing a person could do. To go against every natural instinct in your body, to resist the innate programming to survive, to watch as your own life slips away; that, to me, takes a certain amount of courage that living does not.

But as close as I've come, I'm still here. At least for the moment, since I was staring at a way out now, that would take the decision out of my hands. So why am I fighting it? For the simple reason that I don't like to lose.

Not that I win at every thing I do. I don't. And I've never been the best at anything either. But I am a bit competitive. And I'll keep playing until I win.   It’s the only reason I’m still here.  I remain perpetually afraid of the day I no longer care about winning.  What I lose on that day will be more than a game.  I fear it will be my life.

But today is not that day.

JrX

Strange Faces: Part 11

“Now what?” asked Sancho.

“I don’t know, but we probably don’t have much time.  He could be back any minute.” I said.

The entity we had come to know as Scooter had retreated into the house after cryptically warning that we were about to “do it the hard way”. After several minutes of snickering at his phrasing, which I will not recount here, we were still no closer to a plan than before, and I felt that we were running out of time.

“Wait a minute, I got it!” exclaimed my brother.

Sancho and I turned to face him, expectantly.  I don’t think either of us really believed he had a viable plan, but I was certain it would be entertaining.

“Ok, get this.  First we all jump him at once.  He doesn't look that strong.  I’ll hold his legs, Sancho you hold his arms, and then you read passages of Twilight until begs for mercy.”

“You idiot”, I said.  “Where are we going to get a copy of Twilight at this hour?”

“You’re both idiots,” said Sancho.  “Is that what you focused on, really?  Twilight?  How about we just jump him, like he said.  Why haven’t we tried that yet?”

“I don’t know.  He’s kind of creepy.  I don’t want to touch him.”

“Well you might have to anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look, this thing wants to basically absorb you, right?  He wants to take over your body, god knows why.  But you’re basically the same person, see?  So, why can’t you just absorb him?”

“You really think I haven’t thought about that?”

“Well you haven’t said anything.  What’s the problem with that?”

“The problem is, he might be right, OK?  I’m not sure I wouldn't just welcome oblivion.”

My brother looked up from his spell-books.  “What are you talking about?  You’re still depressed?  Just get over it already.”

“Sure,” I said.  “”Cause its that easy.”

“Look, the fact is, I’m just not sure how much I care.  This has already gone on way too long and I’m beginning to lose interest. “

“Well that doesn't mean you have to let yourself be taken over by the handless wonder over there.”

“Why not?  I’m tired, OK?  Tired of waking up and doing the same thing every day.  Forcing a smile on my face like a cheap mask so that people will think I’m normal.  I dislike or outright hate almost everyone and everything seems stupid to me.  The best part of my day is going to sleep and the worst part is waking up.”

There was silence for a moment.  Sancho and my brother shared a glance, neither one of them daring to look me in the eye.  I had to think that they both knew how I felt.  I may not broadcast my feelings, but surely they must have picked up on it from time to time, which would account for their reticence to speak.  It was a shared shame. 

Not being able to admit my depression was my shame.  Theirs was not saying something when they knew that must be a problem.  

Not that I could blame them.  Not when I wasn't ready to talk about it myself.  In fact, I don’t want to talk about it now.  It’s all that doppelgangers fault.

“You know what?”  I said.  “Fuck that guy.”

My brother and my friend looked up in confusion.

“Yeah,” agreed Sancho, “fuck that guy.  You’re not gonna let that guy win are you?”

“No.  I’m not” I said with sudden conviction.  “I may be every bit as pathetic as he says I am, but if I have to go, it’s gonna be when I decide to go.”

“Alright then!”  said a grinning Buster.  “So we jump him and then fuck his shit up! Right?”

“No, that’s not the way” said Sancho. 

Buster said, “what do you mean?  Lets kick his ass!  I’ll get the butter knife.”

I turned to the house, where Scooter was just making his way out the back door.  He was carrying something, but I couldn't quite make it out at this distance.  No doubt a prop in his plan to “do it the hard way”.  I wondered what it was.

“You don’t understand”, said Sancho.  “Scooter is everything that’s missing from your brother.  The desire, the motivation, the ability to see color in the world instead of viewing it in black and white.  Scooter wants to merge to become the dominant personality,  and bury him somewhere deep.  But what if it’s the other way around?”

“He means,” I said, turning to look at my brother, “What if I can merge with him and take back all that I've been missing?”

“All these years, I've always felt so empty.  Whatever dark recesses of my mind he emerged from, he brought back what could possibly make me whole again.”

With new determination, I called out to Scooter, “Come get some.”

To be continued..

JrX

Strange Faces: Part 10

Part 10

“I thought you had to summon him first?” I asked Buster.

“Yeah, that would have been awesome,” he said.

“You dumbasses.  He wants to be here more than we want him here, more than likely,” added Sancho.

“What do you mean?”

“He means”, my mirror self interrupted, “I’m ready for my close up”.

And with that, the environment around us began to shimmer as the apparition we’ve come to know as Scooter once again tore its way into our reality.  Stepping out of the mirror onto the lawn, he seemed more there than ever, something I attributed to the magical energies at work in my back yard.  Walking to the edge of the circle, he now seemed to be nothing more than a crude facsimile of myself.  Once familiar features were dissolving into a more ragged visage as he gained more strength. 

Or maybe I’m just really seeing myself for the first time, I thought.

 And shuddered.

  As he walked toward the circle, he reached out with his left hand, testing the limits of our protection.  The air seemed to ripple as he dragged his fingers across the invisible barrier.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “Entry requires both hands.”

“Ohhhh, burn!” said Sancho, as he and my brother smirked.

“Hmmmm...” Scooter looked at the stump of his right hand.  “I’m gonna let that one go.”

I said, “Well, that very handsome of you.”

“All right, enough.  You know why I’m here.”

“You’re looking for a handout?” asked Sancho.

“Ok, that’s real funny, but now it’s time for bus-“

“Holy athame!” shouted Buster, as he threw the butter knife at Scooter.

We all watched as it sailed harmlessly past my doppelganger to land with a soft thud next to the mirror.  There was a moment of silence as we all turned to look at my brother, who took this opportunity to study his shoes.  “Soooo….what were you saying again?” he asked.

Scooter responded, “I was saying, it’s time to end this foolishness and get down to business.”

I stepped forward warily.  I knew that this had to end as well, as it had gotten progressively stupider as the night wore on.  The human mind can only tolerate so much.  But I had no idea what to do.  Looking him in the eye, I asked  “So, what happens now?”

“What happens now is you come out of that circle and join with me.  You won’t be completely lost, just kind of put away.  In a nice little corner of our mind.  I made a nice little virtual room for you; its got a tv and an Xbox and plenty of porn, so you won’t be bored.  And you won’t have to worry about anything else, ever again.”

“I already do that.  I fail to see the benefit here.”

“Don’t be so glib” he responded.  “Think about it.  You want this.”

“And what would you get out of this…arrangement?” I asked, ignoring his last statement.

“A chance to live a real life.”

“What, like Pinocchio?”

“Uh, sure, like Pinocchio.  But –“

“Because I don’t know how that would work out for you.”

“…uh, well-“

“You know at one point he was turned into a donkey?”

“Ok, but ….well.. what?”

“The point is, I like my life the way it is.”

“Wait, how did any of what you just said have a point, and how was…you know what?  Doesn’t matter.   Look, this is happening, whether you like it or not, so just lay back, spread your legs and go to your happy place.”

“Yeah, well how are you going to get me?  Huh?  Come at me bro!  Oh, wait, you can’t cross our circle, can you?  Well, that’s jus too bad, sucka.” And with that, I put my right arm straight out and opened my fingers, staring bullets into my twin.

From behind me, I heard Sancho ask, “Did he just pretend to drop a microphone in front of Scooter, like in that movie with that one rapper guy?”

“Yeah,” said Buster.  “But I think he pulled it off.”

Ignoring everyone else, Scooter looks me in directly in the eye. 

“Alright, you want to do this the hard way?  Let’s do it the hard way.”

To be continued. Probably.

Jrx

Strange Faces: Part 9

scroll down to read the previous installments

If you had told me this morning when I woke up that I would be spending my evening in the  backyard summoning spirits, I would have laughed in your face and questioned your parentage.  But here I am, in the middle of a circle with my brother and best friend, about to re-enact the scene from every horror movie when everything goes wrong.  Except, this wasn't a movie.  It was real life, and a whole lot weirder.  

“You know, you don’t have to be here”.  My brother was addressing Sancho.

“Are you kidding?  This is the most interesting thing that’s happened all week” he said.  “Also, moral support, I guess” he continued , noticing my disapproving look.

“Can we just get started?” I asked. “Its already dark, so if you're waiting for the right time, this is it.”

“Ok” Buster responded.  “Here we go”

Sancho and I moved to the rear of the circle, while Buster, wielding his ceremonial butter knife moved to the northern most corner with his zippo lighter, ready to light the candle.  As solemnly as he could, he intoned:

Guardians of the North, I call upon you 

to watch over the rites of us three guys. 

Powers of endurance and strength, guided by Earth, 

we ask that you keep watch over us 

tonight within this circle, and keep us from screwing up. 

Let all who enter the circle under your guidance 

do so in perfect love and perfect trust.

Sancho and I exchanged a look.  I shrugged whispered, “maybe he’s improvising”

As we turned our attention back to my brother, he continued to move across the circle, making similar invocations at the other three points, while lighting the corresponding candles.  As he lit the last one, we began to notice a distinct change in our environment.  Specifically, it was brighter.  It wasn't the candles either;  the edges of the circle had begun to emit a faint blue aura, a soft and somehow comforting light that seemed to hold back the darkness that came with the night. 

“Soooo, this is normal, right?” I asked my brother.

“Honestly, this has never happened before”  he replied, clearly a bit taken aback himself.

“Well, what did you expect to happen?”

“I don’t know, I’m just going through the motions here.”

“That’s real comforting.  Why did we call you here again?”

“Look, “ Sancho interrupted, “this actually makes sense”

“Oh, yeah?” said my brother.  “And you’re the expert here, right?”

“Well, no.  But clearly you aren't’ either.”  Turning to me, he said “Alright, lets assume that drinking that magically contaminated soda somehow allowed you to manifest some sort copy of yourself.  That same magical energy must still be around here somewhere, maybe leaking from your armpits in magical sweat for all we know.   That magical energy is probably lending itself to Busters ritual in a way that he never could. “

Even Buster had no response to that. 

“We’re through the looking glass here people”

“Jesus” I said exasperated. “How long have you been waiting to make that reference”

“All. Freaking. Day.”  He said with a grin.

“Whatever” Looking at my brother, I said “ Where's the mirror?

“Over there” he pointed.

Following his pointed finger, I saw the mirror leaning against the sole tree in the backyard, maybe ten feet from the edge of the circle.

“So, do I just walk out of the circle and get it, or what?”

“No, see, we’re in the circle to protect us.  We summon the apparition outside the circle.”

“But don’t we have to trap it or something?  If we summon it outside the circle, couldn't it just escape?”

“Well…I mean…maybe..”

Laughing to himself, clearly amused, Sancho said “This is why I hang out with you guys.”

Ignoring him, I walked over to the altar/barbecue pit and proceeded to take it apart.

“What are you doing now?” asked Sancho

“Here” I said, handing him one of the legs. “Use this to reach over and knock of the blanket on the mirror so we can get started”

Turning to my brother, I said “Ok, so how are you going to summon Scooter?”

“Well, its going to take all my skills and knowledge that I've acquired over many years of research and study.  What you’re going to witness will go down in history as my finest moment.  I’ll be at the peak of my powers.  Songs will be written about my one day, mothers will name their children after me and presidents will name aircraft carries in my honor!”

“Yeah,” said Sancho, “..he’s already here.”

Looking over at the mirror, we saw that my reflection was indeed back.

“Dammit.”said my brother.

“Hey, guys” said Scooter.  “What’s up?”

To be continued...

JrX

Strange Faces: Part 8

“Thank you for calling Mountain Dewp, my name’s Christy, how can I help you?”

“Hi, Christy, I recently purchased some of your product, and I have a little complaint”

Being the most practical of our group, Sancho had convinced me to call the number on the bottle.  To him, the straightforward approach was always best.  If he was in the movie Speed, he would have shot the hostage just like Keanu Reeves, removing them from the equation and taking away the hostage takers leverage, because to him, that was the fastest and most practical way to a solution.  The hostage may disagree, but you can’t argue with results.  Except, probably a world weary police captain, African American of course, who would be forced to suspend Sancho, asking for his badge and gun, until a formal inquiry was completed by Internal Affairs,  all while tiredly muttering “ I'm too old for this shit.”

Too old for this shit, and he still made it through 4 movies.

I'm sorry, that analogy got away from me.  Where was I?

“I’ll be happy to help you in any way I can.”

“Well, you say that.  Just wait.”

“I don’t understand…”

“Well, Christy, it seems that after ingesting some of your, *ahem*, fine product, I am now experiencing events of a supernatural variety.”

“Ah, I see.  How can I help with that?”

“How can you help?  Well, you can tell me how to get rid of ‘supernatural apparitions’.”

“ I'm sorry sir, but I'm unable to assist with that.  We’re not trained in that area.”

“Ok, well, just so you know, I plan on filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.”

“That is of course your option, but the warning label on our product will indemnify us from any type of liability.  But perhaps I could offer you some coupons.”

“What the fuck am I going to do with coupons?  Offer my apparition half off his next purchase?”

"I'm just doing my job, sir."

“So were the Nazis, and that didn't turn out well either.”

“What?”

At this point, my brother interjected, “Dude, just hang up.  I'm almost done setting up.”

Turning to my brother, whom I have decided to call, oh let’s say, Buster, I said to the phone, “Listen, Christy, this is pointless.  I'm gonna hang up now.  I would say it’s been a pleasure talking to you, but it hasn't.”

“Well, thank you for calling Mou-“

Yeah, whatever, I thought as I hung up.   “Show me what you got” I said to Buster.

“Follow me” he replied.

Heading outside, we found Sancho in the back yard, putting the finishing touches on Busters plan. 

“What happened on the phone?” he asked.

I said “ I'm getting coupons.  What’s all this?”

  In the middle of the yard was a large circle made of salt.  Four candles were ready to be lit on what I assumed were the four cardinal points.  In the center of the circle was a makeshift altar, made from a disused barbecue grill that had clearly seen better days.  Resting atop the altar was Busters athame, or ceremonial dagger.  In reality, he didn't have an athame, but I had loaned him a freshly dish washed butter knife that I thought would work just as well. 

“Did you just pour salt all over my lawn?” I asked Sancho.  “You know nothing is gonna grow there now, right?”

Sancho said, “It’s a shitty backyard anyway.  Besides, your brother made me do it.”

Turning to Buster, I asked “So, what’s the plan then?”

“Well,” he replied, “first we cast the circle, being inside of course.  That will provide us some protection from any outside forces.  Then we summon Scooter, using this mirror I found in the garage” He pointed to what I guessed was a large mirror covered with a blanket, leaning against a tree. 

“ Wasn't that grandma’s mirror?” I asked.  “We’re not gonna destroy it or anything are we?  Mom will be pissed.”

“No, no” he said offhandedly.  “ I'm sure it will be fine.” Continuing with his plan, he said “finally, once we've summoned the apparition, we simply banish him to a dark oblivion.”  He made it all sound so simple.

I said, “You can do that?”

“Not sure” he said.  “But we’re gonna find out”.

Strange Faces Part 7

scroll down to read the previous installments

“Well, you came to right person” my brother said.

“You’re still a witch, right?  Or a Wiccan, or whatever you want to call it?” I asked.

“ I'm whatever the world needs me to be” he said with a self-satisfying grin. 

 My brother is a modern day witch or Wiccan.  Contrary to popular belief, wiccans don’t worship the devil or practice human sacrifice.  They don’t bathe in the blood of babies or dance naked in the woods.  Ok, maybe some of them still dance naked in the woods, but if that’s what it would take to solve this problem, I think I would rather take my chances.

Where can I find a witch like that?

We asked him to consult on my little problem and he promptly came over, his arms heavy with books.  Unlike in movies, he didn't have to go to some dusty hole in the wall bookshop to get them.  Any spell books or copies of ancient texts could be had at a reasonable price at any Barnes & Nobles.  Usually in the new age section behind the coffee stand. 

“ I'm pretty sure I've got something here that will help”, he said as we exited the bathroom.  Suitably impressed with my lack of reflection he was eager to get started.  To him, this was a chance to move from the shooting range to actual combat.  I wasn't sure how seriously he was taking this, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Settling on my couch, he said “Ok, I'm gonna need some candles, preferably black, salt, plenty of orange juice and maybe some mood lighting if you can manage it.”

“Uh, OK” I said, “Candles we got, salt no problem, not sure about the orange juice though.  What’s that for? You want me to bless it?”

“What? No. What?” he asked confused.

Sancho said, “Don’t ask”.

“ I'm just thirsty” my brother said. “It’s got a lot of calcium.  Good and good for you.”

“Right, right” I said offhandedly.  “Hold on”.

Orange juice.  Apparently, its a magical elixir.

Heading to the kitchen, I opened the fridge and called out, “I got no orange juice, but I got plenty of mountain dew!”

“Yeah, that’s fine, whatever.  Just bring it” he replied.

Returning to the couch, he took the bottle I offered him.

“So,” I asked, “what’s first?”

“Well, first of all we need to---gahhh!”

He spit out the first gulp of soda, saying, “What the hell is this shit?!”

“Mountain Dew.  What’s the problem?” I asked.

“Dude this isn't Mountain Dew.”  Looking at the label, he said, “This thing says Mountain Dewp!”

“What the fuck?”

“Let me see that” said Sancho.

“Yup, its says Dewp.  You've been duped by Dewp”

“Must be a generic brand” I said.  “I bought it at a little corner store downtown.  Guess I wasn't paying attention. “

“There’s a warning label on it.”

“What does it say?” I asked.

Sancho read:

“Warning:  This product manufactured and bottled in Salem, Massachusetts, in possibly close               proximity to dark magic.   May contain FDA approved amounts of evil.  May cause supernatural apparitions.  Do not use if pregnant.  In fact, you shouldn't use this at all.  Throw it away.  My name’s Larry.  They’re keeping us here against our will.  Help! I don’t think John can last much longer.   Wait…they’re coming.

For inquiries, please call 1-888-555-DEWP.”

“Huh” I said. 

“That actually explains a lot” said my brother.

“So what do we do now?” I asked.

Looking me in the eye, Sancho said “Well, call the fucking number.”

JrX

Strange Faces Part 6

(scroll down to read parts 1-5)

Everyone has a ghost story.  Maybe you've seen your dead grandmother.  Or you know someone who knows someone who has seen Bigfoot or been probed by E.T.s glowing finger.   Shadows moving on their own, strange cases of déjà vu, Elvis sighted flipping burgers at a diner in Austin.  You get the idea. 

"Lets go, boys.  I got a gig at Burger King in half an hour."

I know a guy who claims to have seen a Thunderbird once.  For those of you that aren't familiar with the Thunderbird, it’s a large bird, some say as big as a house, that comes from Native American legend.  Its wings describe a thunderclap with every flap, lightning crackling around its eyes; it’s a harbinger of tempests.   Sightings of the Thunderbird can be found all across North America, especially in Texas, some as recently as 2007.  It was around that time that my friend saw the creature.

"..."

He was working at the time as a traveling salesman (yes, they still exist).  One day, he was driving from Kerrville, TX to San Marcos.  The main roads would take him south on I10, thru San Antonio, then back north on I35.  Deciding that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line, he decided to take the side roads, one of which was almost a straight shot between the two cities. 

If you've never been to that part of Texas, its important to know that its all hill country over there.  Not so much on the highways, but definitely on the back roads.  Hill after hill after hill, valleys every half mile or so.  As you climb each hill, the road narrows to two lanes going east and west.  As visibility is limited as you reach the top, the speed limit is only fifty miles per hour.  But this is Texas, where most people treat speed limit signs as a suggestion, so it wasn't uncommon to see cars barrelling over the hills at upwards of seventy mph, dangerously close to catching air and making the Duke boys of Hazard County proud.

It was as my friend was descending a hill that he saw the Thunderbird.  Nestled in the valley in the middle of the road, the creature looked to be feasting on a deer.  Cursing out loud in shock, he slammed on the brakes, skidding several hundred feet, narrowly missing the beast but startling it enough that it immediately flew away, leaving behind its dinner.

Sitting in his car, shocked, his brain was already hard at work trying to convince itself that he couldn't possibly have seen what he just saw.  As he began to drive away, carefully avoiding the carcass in the street, he heard a thunderclap and his car began to shake.  A terrible thud came from above as he realized that the giant bird had landed on top of his vehicle.  There was a screeching of tearing metal as talons larger than a grizzly bear exploded through the roof and the car began to lift.  It didn't take a genius to know that it was going to try to carry his car away. 

Stepping on the gas, there was a brief tug of war before American automotive ingenuity broke free and my friend got the hell out of Dodge, burning rubber and cresting the next hill at top speed, nearly taking flight himself.   

Of course that story couldn't be real.  How could it be?  But the twelve inch talon he pried out of the roof of his car sure looked real.

Like I said, everyone has a story.  Before this all happened to me, the strangest thing I've ever seen was at a Wal-Mart in another city that had its automotive and lawn and garden dept. on the left side of the building instead of the right.  So Sancho and I decided to ask my brother for help, who had a little more experience with this sort of thing.  One time, as he was driving home from work, my brother swears he saw a kangaroo in the middle of the road.  That officially makes him more of an expert than me when it comes to weird shit happening at random. 

As I thought about what I was going to tell him, I had a funny feeling things were only going to get stupider.

Jrx

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Strange Faces: Part 5

(read part one here, part two here, part three here and part four here.)

“Quickly, Sancho!” I cried. “We need a young priest and an old priest!”

Twisting the cap off of the bottle of soda, I began to chant “The Power of Christ compels you, the power of Christ compels you!” as I splashed the window with Holy Dew.

I looked back at Sancho, still seated on the couch, now on his phone.  “Dude”, he started, “I don’t know what the fuck is happening, but this is going on YouTube tonight.”

“The power of Chri-“

“Enough!”

My reflection cut me off in mid chant.

Not knowing what else to do, and running low on soda, I sat down next to Sancho on the couch.

“Alright,” I said.  “What do you want from me?”

“What any caged animal wants” he replied. “Freedom. A life beyond the mirror.  An escape from the servitude of reflection.”

I said, “Freedom? No problem”. I waved my arms expansively and said, “You’re free.”

“Done and done” added Sancho. “I know a guy who can get you a fake ID; we’ll get you a job at the mall, maybe at that pretzel place.  You can get us ten percent off. Your name will be Scooter.”

Mmmmm. Pretzels.

“Who do you know that can get fake IDs?” I asked.

“Just…this guy, alright” he replied. “Look, don’t call me on this shit, okay? I'm just spit-balling here.”

“Silence!” shouted my doppelgänger.

“I want more than just a life. I want what you've never used, what you've never wanted”

“My copy of Twilight that Sancho gave me?” Under his breath, I heard my friend say “go fuck yourself”.

“Your life” said Scooter, the doppelgänger.

I gulped hard.  “What are you talking about?”

“You walk through this world like a ghost” he said.  “You have no purpose, no motivation, and no goals.  You live your life at a bare minimum.  You have the skill and talent to do so much more and yet you refuse.  You play at being confident and self-assured, successfully hiding the fact that you feel worthless and alone in the world.  Your apathy has caused you to push away anyone who might have got close to you over the years.  There are many who would be your friend if you let them, but you choose only one, Sancho, and only because he’s been around more or less consistently for over twenty years.”

“You think you’re laying some grand truth on me?” I said, trying not to appear shaken.  “I know what I am and I know what I’m capable of.  And my apathy means I don’t give a shit what you think.  Besides, if I’m as pathetic as you say, what does that make you?”

“Lucky” he said.  “It’s your lack of belief in yourself that allowed me to be born.  It’s making me stronger even now.”

Indeed, as he spoke, the translucent reflection was becoming sharper, more defined.  I felt a wave of nausea and my vision became blurred.

“I may not be using much of my life right now” I said, my words beginning to slur. “But I’ll be goddamned if I'm going to let you have it!”

“What’s happening?” I heard Sancho ask weakly.  I turned towards him in time to see him vomit on my laptop.

Will the Geek Squad take care of that? I thought.

Geek Squad. For $30 they'll turn on your computer.

“He coming through again,” I managed to say as I moved drunkenly to pick up my laptop.  Vertigo was slowing overcoming my motor functions.  Through blurred vision, I could see that his hand had already made it across the windows barrier. 

Summoning what strength I could, I flung the laptop at the window, screaming, “An Apple a day keeps the doctor away, bitch!”

The window shattered into a dozen pieces, a hollow scream from Scooter as his image was destroyed; the laptop landed with a crash in the bushes outside. 

“That quip made no sense” said Sancho.  “That wasn't even a Mac.  It was Compaq.”

“Whatever” I said. I wasn't listening.  On the floor beneath the window was Scooters hand, flecks of vomit dotting the appendage; the only piece of him that came through before I broke the window.

Turning back to Sancho, I said “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

To Be Continued...

JrX

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Strange Faces: Part 4

(read part one here, part two here, and part three here.)

“Dude, you’re a vampire.”

“No, I don’t think so.  I have a reflection, it just kinda…left. Besides, it’s still daylight outside and I’m not burning up.”

Sancho had come over a few minutes ago, with a noticeable lack of mountain dew, and I immediately took him to the scene of the crime.  I could see the emotions march across his face as they must have done on mine.  Shock, terror, confusion and an admirable attempt at acceptance through humor.

“I hope I’m not a vampire,” I said. “I wouldn't really mind, but I would have liked to lose a few pounds before spending my immortal life in this pudgy body”.

He said, “Put that shit down. You’re freaking me out.”

The novelty of the situation had already worn off on me and I figured I could mess with his head a little by picking up random objects and moving them around while saying “ooooohhhhhh”.  My razor had already danced a jig seemingly on its own in the mirror and I had moved on to brushing my teeth.  To Sancho, it looked as if the toothbrush was moving up and down by itself, and foam was coalescing out of thin air

. 

Kinda like this, only no, its not like this at all.

“ I'm going to the living room”, Sancho said.

Spitting into the sink, I followed him, stopping in the kitchen to get a half bottle of mountain dew from the fridge. 

Sitting on my recliner across from him, I asked “So, what’s the plan?”

“Plan?” he replied.  “This is your problem, not mine.  I suggest you burn the house down.”

“No, I can’t burn it down.  I just got settled in.”

“ You've been living here for eight years!”

“Whatever. Keep thinking.”

I knew Sancho would help me if he could.  He just had fuck around with me first.  And maybe charge me. 

I said, “I think we should start by getting some holy water, crosses, shit like that.”

“I thought you said this wasn't vampires?” he replied.

“Hey, how much experience do you think I have with situations like this?  I’m reaching here.”

“Well”, he said, “fuck it.  I guess holy water can’t hurt.  But where are you going to get some? Do they sell that stuff somewhere, or do we have to go to a church?  And what the hell do we tell them if we do?”

“I got that part covered”, I said.  Standing up, I walked across the living room and removed an unframed certificate I had pinned to the wall.  Handing it to Sancho, I said, “Read it and weep.”

“‘This is to certify that the bearer hereof has all rights and privileges to perform all duties of the ministry and been ordained as Reverend’-wait a second.  You got ordained?!” he exclaimed.

“Yup,” I said. “I can’t believe you never noticed that on the wall before.”

“But, asshole, you’re not even Christian!”

“Yeah, turns out that don’t matter.”

Retaking my seat, I said “I got it online a couple of years ago.  Totally free.  Anyone can do it.  Apparently, it’s recognized by all fifty states”.

This is a real thing.

“So,” I continued, “if it’s good enough for Uncle Sam, I'm sure it’s good enough for Jesus.”

I slapped the back of my neck and shivered.  I could have sworn I felt something crawling on me.  Probably the tag on my shirt, I thought as I adjusted my neckline.

“Hand me that bottle there”, I asked.

As Sancho passed over the bottle, I made the sign of the cross and said,

                “In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost,

                By the power vested in me by the state of Texas

                And the Universal Life Church of California,

                I hereby declare the liquid in this bottle holy,

                For liberty and justice for all.

                You may be seated.”

Looking over at Sancho, I saw an expression of unbridled awe on his face and smiled with satisfaction.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” he said.

Ok, I’m maybe I’m getting mixed signals.

Sancho said “You do realize that you just blessed a bottle of mountain dew, right?”

“Hey”, I said. “Why not?”

One Dew to rule them all.

I shivered. There it is again! I thought.  Little hairs standing on end on the back of my neck.  That creepy feeling you get when an ant or something is crawling on you, all six legs moving lightly across your skin, as if they’re making contact with your very nerves.  A few weeks ago, I went outside to my car, not realizing that a spider had made a web between a tree and my Jeep.  Nearly invisible in the dark, I stumbled right through it and immediately transformed into a six year old girl, slapping at myself all over, hair thin strands of web caressing my arms with an alien sensation, a thousand imaginary spiders ready to burrow into my ears.  I might have peed a little.

“Something’s wrong”, I said.

But Sancho wasn’t looking at me.  He was looking out the window.

“What?”, I asked. “What are you looking at?” Looking myself, I couldn’t see anything that would grab his attention.

“Dude” he said stiffly.  “Not outside. You don’t notice it?”

“Notice what?”

“Your reflection”. He said. “It’s back.”

Turning slowly back to the window, I refocused my gaze and came face to face with my doppelgänger once again.

I will not pee myself , I thought.

JrX

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