The important thing is that I’m well on my way to becoming independently wealthy. Since I launched this blog on May 19, I currently have a balance of $1.77. Now, admittedly that doesn’t sound like much, but remember, this is just the beginning. Word of mouth is a powerful thing (especially if you haven’t brushed) and I fully expect to be a millionaire by this time next month. What’s left now is to figure out what to do with all that money.
Now there are plenty of things that you can do with a million dollars. You could give it to charity, for example. But all those poor people would probably just spend it on booze and cigarettes, and abortions and whatever else republicans are convinced poor people do with money, which is why they keep all of it for themselves and the oil companies. Or something, I don’t know. I’ve been watching a lot of MSNBC lately.
I could become a philanthropist and use the money to enhance my community. But that’s boring. Besides, my town just got an IMAX Theater and we have two IHops here! Of course I only go to one, because then my friends and I can say, “Let’s go to the good one.”
I could horde the money. After all, they say it’s not how much you make, but how much you save. But where to put it? A regular savings account won’t yield much interest and the stock market fluctuates more wildly than a…um...damn, I had something for this. Doesn’t matter. I could spread it on my bed and roll around on it naked, like a fat, hairy, hispanic Demi Moore, but that’s a last resort (for those of you that know me, try getting that thought out of your head!).
No, there’s only one thing to do with a million dollars: zombie proof my house.
That’s right, I said it. The rapture may not have arrived on schedule, but we all know that the zombie apocalypse is coming. In fact, it may even warrant the capital “Z”. Zombie apocalypse, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombie Apocalypse. Yeah, that’s it.
It such a huge concern, that the CDC, the Centers for Freaking Disease Control, has an entire Emergency Preparedness and Response section on their website. Holy shit! You think FEMA is going to save your ass? They’ll stick us all in a stadium with limited facilities and pretty soon it’s going to be Beyond Thunderdome and a Tina Turner soundtrack in that bitch.
Not for me though. First thing I’m doing is build a moat. Fuck the neighbors. Maybe put some alligators in there or something. Reinforce the walls, put up steel shutters, a crow’s nest for sniping, you get the idea. Bulk up on supplies like food, water, ammunition and porn. Can’t discount the importance of a good porn stash, for when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, no more internet shall there be. Any leftover funds will be converted to items that can be easily bartered. Like gold, or medicine or porn.
So keep clicking on those ads, Inconstant Reader. I'm getting an estimate on a drawbridge next week.
JrX
well i hope you get that million soon,we need that moat like NOW, it would help to keep out the Mormons and JW , not to mention those pesky electric company salespeople!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat happened to the ads? Cause I'm telling you right now, I don't have 5 bucks to leave your ass.
ReplyDeleteStupid Google took 'em off. Something about terms and conditions, and violations, and somebody kicked their dog,...I don't know.
ReplyDeleteBut if you can't afford $5, try this: for the price of a cup of coffee a day, you could help me not get a job.
Thanks!
JrX