The Story of Halloween, More or Less (Mostly Less)

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Well, dear readers, its that time of year again.  As autumn comes to a close and winter comes knocking at your door, we start the holidays with that perennial celebration of ghouls and goblins, tricks and treats and low budget horror movies from the eighties with..*ahem*..ample images of gratuitous nudity.  (There’s nothing like eighties breasts, am I right?)

Of course I'm right.

  I’m talking, of course, of Halloween.  A reckless orgy of candy, parties and bad decisions.  When costumed townsfolk stumble through the streets, knocking on doors, begging for candy like some sort of ghoulish salvation army.  But where did Halloween come from?  When did it start?  And why are these sexy cat-women giving me confusing feelings about my neighbors cats?  Well, we here at Random Crapp have decided to answer all these questions and more (except for the one about my neighbors cats.  The humane society was very helpful in that regard).   Here then is the history of Halloween, discovered after hours of exhaustive research that I probably shouldn't have done after half a bottle of Jack Daniels.  Enjoy.

Who started Halloween?

Halloween started millions of years ago, when Jesus saw his shadow.  Wait, that can’t be right.  Hang on…OK, here we go again.  Halloween started sometime in the past, probably when everyone still thought a good stink could cure most diseases.  Back then,  if you lived past thirty years old, you were probably in league with the devil.  These weren't exactly enlightened times, is what we’re saying.  Halloween, or Samhain as it was called, was originally a harvest festival, or maybe the Celtic new year, we weren't really paying attention.  It was believed that the souls of the dead could rise from their graves on this one day of the year because apparently the afterlife was pretty boring. 

What’s with the costumes?

During the celebration, people would often dress in animal skins in order to calm the spirits of the deceased or perhaps to blend in with them, so as not to incur their wrath.  After all, if you can’t beat them, join them.  What this has to do with today's sexy nurses is beyond the knowledge of this puny website. 

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

So, my mom says Halloween is evil.  What’s up with that?

Well, I don’t want to contradict your mom, or question why she was kissing Santa Clause last year, but she’s full of crap.  After the Romans smacked Britain around like a red headed stepchild, they incorporated the Celtic holiday into a celebration of their dead.  Later, when the Romans embraced Christianity, the holiday changed once again.  November 1 became All-hallows, a day to celebrate their saints and martyrs, and October 31 became All-hallows Even.  And like the whisper game you played as a child, it eventually became Halloween.  These days, the most evil thing about Halloween is the stomach ache you get after eating absolutely obscene amounts of candy.  Also, that slutty pirate wench who stole your wallet after slipping you a mickey.  Evil bitch.

Ok, so what about pumpkins?  Where do they fit in?  And please don’t say my butt.

Well, I was going to make something up for this, but the actual story is pretty cool, so here goes.  According to Irish myth, there once was a man named Stingy Jack who was having a drink with the devil.  There’s no mention of why.  Maybe they were old army buddies, who knows.  Anyway, Stingy Jack didn't want to pay his tab, because he was stingy and all, so he somehow convinced the devil to turn into a coin to pay the bill.  However, instead of paying, good old Jack just pocketed the coin next to a cross in his jacket, which kept the devil in coin mode.  Before Jack would release the devil, he made him promise not to claim his soul upon his death.  When Jack finally did kick the proverbial bucket,  he discovered that heaven didn't want him either.  Because he couldn't go up or down, and because the devil is kind of a dick, he cursed Stingy Jack to wander the world with a single coal in a hollowed out turnip to light his way.  To the Irish, he was Jack of the Lantern, or Jack o’lantern.  I have no idea where the pumpkins came in as I didn't read that far.  Still pretty cool though, right?  Also, the pumpkins fit in your butt. 

Best. Pumpkin. Ever.

Nice, real classy of you

No problem.

Ok, how about the candy?  When did that start?

Well, during my research, I came across at least seven different reasons we give out candy on Halloween.  All of them were boring, so here’s my answer.  Back in the olden days, before the Internet, people wou-…no wait.  Ok, what happened was….well…hang on.  You know what?  I got nothing for this one.  I honestly thought I could come up with something, but nope.  Nothing.  Candy is awesome.  End of story. 

Pictured above:  awesomeness

And there you have it folks.  I hope this answered all your questions regarding Halloween .  Now it’s time for me to have a drink with my new friend.  What did you say your name was?  Bee Bub?  Beezle Bob?  What a strange name.  You’re buying this round.

JrX

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Strange Faces: Part 13

Part 13

“Ok, here comes the pain, “ proclaimed my twin.  In his hand he brandished the ultimate weapon.  My brother was right.  There could be nothing worse.

Holding a book above his head, he said, “I shall now read select passages from Twilight until you come out of the circle.”

My brother yelled out, “I freaking told you so!”

“Everybody shut up!”, I said.  “No one is reading anything.”

“I’m ready to come out.”

My twin looked at me with satisfaction.  “I’m glad you've finally seen reason.  Come to me.”

“Just, give me a minute, OK?”

Granting my request, he stepped back while I turned to my friend and brother.

“Well, Sancho, if this doesn't work out, I want you to know you've been a good friend.  Make sure you hide the porn on my computer.”

“No problem, bro.  Good luck.”  He dropped his head and turned away.  I’m gonna assume he cried.

“Buster,” I called to my brother.  “We always knew it would end up this way.”

“Going out fighting some sort of trans dimensional doppelganger?”, he replied.  “Yeah, I figured.  I’m not worried though.  I’m pretty sure you got this.”

Pleasantly surprised by my brothers confidence in me, I took a deep breath and exited the circle.

“All right, you really want to join with me?  Lets just see who comes out on top!”  I stepped toward him with my arms out, ready to do…whatever.  I really had no idea how this would turn out.  All I knew was that whatever this joining was, I had to dominate.

“Wait!” my nemesis cried. 

“Jesus!  What now?” I said.

“You seem oddly confident.  More so than before”, he said, eyeing me cautiously. 

“So what,” I responded.  “Aren't you supposed to be the superior part of me?  What are you worried about?”

“Oh, I am.  Don’t worry about that,” he replied.  “But I don’t think I want to take any chances.”

Now it was my turn to be suspicious.  “What are you saying?”

“Oh, I’m just thinking I don’t really need you at all.”  And with that he lunged for me with a speed that I would not have thought possible considering his size.  Bringing my face close to his, he whispered, “I think I can live without you.”

Swinging me around, he tossed me like a rag doll directly toward my grandmothers mirror, still leaning against the tree.  Tripping on an exposed root, I crashed directly into it.

But crashed is the wrong word.  It felt more like being sucked in, a mini black hole, the laws of physics being suspended unwillingly.  I wish I could have seen it from the perspective of my friends.  As it was, it was as if I was falling forever.  And then nothing.

 JrX

Sharknado? More like Shark-nodo

(Update:  Apparently I need to put a disclaimer up, because too many people don't know the meaning of satire.  This is a humor site.  Everything you read here is fictional.  You're welcome.)


Sharks.  Ever since Jaws, sharks have been in the public consciousness as the mightiest predator in the seas.  With their sleek form, lighting fast attacks and dead black eyes as soulless as Michael Myers, it’s little wonder that they encapsulate all that’s mysterious and deadly about our planets oceans, 95% of which are still unexplored.  So popular are sharks, that they are the star attractions of Discovery Channels’ yearly Shark Week.  Yes, on the network that gave us Amish Mafia, we still get the occasional science related program. 

"So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks.  And I'm like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex.  And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex?...Because whales are mammals and sharks are animals.  They have nothing to do with each other."-actual quote from Discovery Channel interview.

 Even the Syfy network is getting involved in the shark craze, releasing original films like Sharknado, Ghost Shark and Jersey Shore Shark Attack. 

 

This is real.  And so stupid, Google refused to participate.

With all this interest in sharks, we here at Random Crapp decided to delve deeper into what all the fuss is about.  We contacted noted marine biologist Dr. Stephanie Carter from the University of Texas Marine Science Institute in Port Aransas, Tx.  What follows is a transcript of our interview.

transcript begins

Random Crapp (RC):  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

Dr. Stephanie Carter (Dr.):  Of course.  After all, when the senior editor from Scientific American requests an interview, you don’t say no!

RC:  (clearing throat) Right.  Scientific American.  Where I’m from.  Let’s start, if we can, by you giving your name and occupation, for the record.

Dr.:  My name is Dr. Stephanie Carter.  I’m a marine biologist with the University of Texas Marine Science Institute. 

RC:   And you’re a sharkologist?

Dr.:  Well, technically, I’m an ichthyologist. 

RC:  An icky pologist?

Dr.:  Ichthyologist.

RC:  Wiki dogolist?

Dr.: Icthy-..you know what?  I’m a sharkologist.

RC:  So as a sharkologist, what’s up with this whole Megalodon thing on Discovery Channel?  That thing is huge!

Dr.:  The megalodon was one of the largest predators ever to inhabit the oceans.  Growing anywhere from 45-60 feet in length, think of a very large great white shark.

RC:  Holy crapp.  That’s one big fish!

Dr.: Indeed.

RC:  And what is the scientific community doing to curb the threat of the modern megalodon?

Dr.:  What do you mean?  Modern megalodon?

RC:  As I’m sure you’re aware, there was a recent documentary on the Discovery Channel proving that these creatures still exist.

Dr.:  I can assure you, no megalodons exist today.  They died out millions of years ago, sometime around the time the Discovery Channel lost all credibility. 

RC:  Fair enough.  What about sharknado?

Dr.:  Excuse me?

RC:  On a scale of one to ten, one being no threat, and ten being an invasion of walking sharks armed with advanced aquatic weaponry led by Aquaman, how much danger would you say we are in?

Dr.:  ……

RC:  Dr. Carter?

Dr.:  ….I’m sorry.  That question was so stupid, I think I may actually have died for a few seconds.

RC:  Well, welcome back?

 Dr.:  Thanks.  It was close.

RC:  Back to sharknado…-

Dr.:  I’m sorry, excuse me.  But you said you were from Scientific American?

RC:  Uh, yes, that’s right.

Dr.:  Would you mind showing me some credentials.

RC:  (reaching into my wallet)  Here you go.  My card.

Dr.:  This is a receipt.  For hemorrhoid cream.

RC:  My number is on the back.

Dr.:  Why?

RC:  I’m single, so…you’re kinda cute?

Dr.:  Get out.

Transcript ends

I would like to thank the University of Texas and Dr. Stephanie Carter for their time and for not pressing charges.  I would say this was a complete waste of time, but I managed to sneak a shark skull out of the reception room as I was being escorted out.  So, you know.  Score.

JrX

I Don't Get it

This post is unrelated to my short story Strange Faces.  Enjoy.

If you follow me on facebook, some of you may already know this, but the other day I was watching a video on Redtube and I ran into a little problem. 

(I’m gonna pause right here to let you fabricate your own jokes to the above sentence.)

(All done?)

First of all, don’t sit there and tell me you’ve never watched a porn video online, you sick bastard.  We all do it.  Some of the top porn sites online get more hits that Google and Facebook combined.  Current studies show up to 30% of all web traffice is pornography.  That means that after you “like” your friends cat pics on Facebook and check the news, you’re most likely to head over to Pornhub and rub one out.  Another way of saying that is if you live with two other people, and you yourself never watch porn, beware of sticky surfaces. 

But all of that is besides the point.  The point is, as I was trying to close the video I was watching, I accidently hit the “share on Facebook” button.  Now, that scared the shit out of me.  Because, while I’m not particulary ashamed to be watching porn, it’s not an activity I like to share with friends and family.  It’s one of those things you just don’t share with most people.  So why the fuck is there a Twitter and Facebook button on those videos?  I mean, who made that decision?  Wouldn’t you love to have been there when that conversation took place?

-We’ve done it John!  The most largest and most comprehensive porn site on the internet!

-Great job, Gary!  But I feel like its missing something, don’t you?

-What do you mean?

-Well, when you’re watching porn online, what the one thing you wish you could do?

-Hmmm…I supppose I always wished that I could share my mastubatory aids with all my friends and family.  But that will probably never happen.

-Don’t be so sure.  Why not put a “share” button on every video?  That way you can post to Facebook or Twitter any video that gets you off, like that one with the two guys and the girl, with the chains, you know?

-Yes!  By golly, you’re right!  My grandma would love that!  Also, cat pics!

In closing, no I don’t want to share my porn with my friends and family.  But thank you for asking.

Strange Faces: Part 12

Strange Faces:  Part 12

Depression can affect people in a lot of different ways. Some people try to hide it. Some will seek help. Others will just give in. It just becomes too much to handle on their own. Of course, there are resources out there for people like that, support groups and such. But that would require an admission that something is wrong with you. And that's a step too far for most.

There's a sort of social stigma associated with depression. A kind of inherent shame that most people experience. A feeling that, on some level, you're broken. You lose interest in things, you can't sleep, you cry for no reason. It's a feeling of hopelessness. A sense that everything is going wrong. Trying to explain that to people just makes them think you're sad. But being sad when things go wrong is normal. Depression is being sad when things are fine.

As for me, I try to hide it. For as long as I can remember, I feel like I've been living two different lives. In one life, I'm funny and fun to be with. I go out drinking and partying with friends. I ask the occasional girl out on a date. Everything that you would expect from someone normal. Because that's what I'm trying to be. Normal. Or at least what I think normal is.

But my other life is different. The life no one else sees is anything but normal. It's a constant struggle to find a reason to get up every morning. To locate the motivation to live for another day. Because there's no real joy in anything I do. Happiness, to me, is a fable. An illusion. An urban myth, like bigfoot or the jersey devil. It's something everyone talks about, but I've never seen. So I pretend. I'm good at that. I practice my smile and slip on my mask and hope that no one notices.

But it gets harder everyday. And the harder it gets, the more I look for a way out. An exit from this life that seems like a carnival ride from hell. So it seems that my current situation would be ideal. Here's a way out that I never envisioned before, and I wouldn't have to do anything other that submit. And it would be soooo easy. Because to do it myself would be too hard. I know. I've tried.

They say that taking your own life is the easy way out. That real courage is living your life. Well, I disagree. To me, living is easy. All it takes is breath and time. Ending your life, on the other hand, is the most difficult thing a person could do. To go against every natural instinct in your body, to resist the innate programming to survive, to watch as your own life slips away; that, to me, takes a certain amount of courage that living does not.

But as close as I've come, I'm still here. At least for the moment, since I was staring at a way out now, that would take the decision out of my hands. So why am I fighting it? For the simple reason that I don't like to lose.

Not that I win at every thing I do. I don't. And I've never been the best at anything either. But I am a bit competitive. And I'll keep playing until I win.   It’s the only reason I’m still here.  I remain perpetually afraid of the day I no longer care about winning.  What I lose on that day will be more than a game.  I fear it will be my life.

But today is not that day.

JrX