The Random Crapp Top Ten Whatever I Can Think Of List of 2012

Well, it's the end of the year, and I can't surf the internet without seeing top ten lists on every website from here to Timbuktu.  There's top ten movies, top ten tv shows, top ten political moments, top ten your mama jokes, top ten everything.  Clearly, this is what people want, and in an effort to broaden my readership, I have decided to jump on this particular bandwagon and ride it straight to hell.  So, in random order of course, here are my top ten whatever I can think of for 2012.  Enjoy.

Top President

He's one cool cat.

Now, before any of you start sceaming “affirmative action”, let me just say that I didn't put him as top president because he's black.  Love him or hate him, he is the number one president of America right now.  Also, he got bin laden.  I know that was like a year ago, but he could probably ride that train for a while longer.

Top New Way To Make Grilled Cheese Sandwich

How do I love grilled cheese? Let me count the ways...

Have you seen this?  Its amazing.  You just turn your toaster sideways, and place a piece of toast with a slice of cheese inside,and  voilà!  Easiest grilled cheese you’ll ever have!  Careful though; some toasters have a metal cage that braces the toast when activated.   Sadly, this is the end of your grilled cheese sandwich.  Also, don’t position your sideways toaster anywhere near the edge of the counter, unless you'd like to see your sandwich take flight.

Top Stupid Thing Someone Said To Me

Is it wrong that I think she's sexy?

I was at a corner store that I hadn't been to in a while, getting gas. When I went inside to pay, I asked where the candy was, because I had a hankering for some M&M’s.  The stupid bitch behind the counter said, “We’re all out of m&m’s, but we have plenty of w’s, ha ha.”  I'm not normally a violent man, and maybe I was in a bad mood that day, but goddamn it, I wanted to punch her in her uterus.

Top Blog That I Write

Rock on people.

I feel no shame for listing my own blog.  Random Crapp forever!

Top Quote I Read On The Internet Today

D'oh.

“I never apologize.  I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am”.  Credited to Homer J. Simpson.  Clearly an underrated thinker and a spiritual brother to all stupid people.  Here's to you, Homer Simpson.  You’re a goddamn bro.

Top Pic Someone Sent Me

I want that shirt.

This is for the gangstas in the house. You know who you are. 

Top Stupid Product On TV

Fuck you, Mr. Lid.

So there's this thing running ads on TV for Mr. Lid.  Maybe you've seen it?  It's Tupperware  only with the lid attached.  Ok, nothing wrong with that, right?  Well, at one point in the ad, the announcer claims that they achieved this via a "revolutionary technology".  They don't say what it is, but they display a large cartoon arrow at what is obviously a hinge.  Now, I'll grant them that the hinge may have been revolutionary at some point in history, but I've got to think that as a society we're no longer amazed by such things.  Speaking of which....

Top Invention Ever

All Hail Thermos!

The thermos.  Need I go on?  It's got no buttons.  It's got no dials.  It's got no levers.  And yet it consistently keeps cold things cold, and warm things warm.  How does it do it? How does it know?  What strange magic keeps it working?  Probably invented by the same people who invented the hinge. That, or witchcraft.

Well, that's it.  The Random Crapp Top Ten Whatever I Can Think Of List of 2012. Those of you proficient in numbers will no doubt realize that there are only eight items actually listed.  The reason for that is so that you, loyal reader and fellow Crapper (that's what I call my readers now; deal with it) can finish it with your own top whatevers.  Leave them in the comment section below and remember:  this isn't because I couldn't think of anything else to write.  No sir.

JrX

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March Madness? More like March Madidontlikesportsness.

Football is Americas sport. Baseball is America’s pastime. So what does that make basketball? Not as boring as baseball, maybe? Perhaps. It can be said that there is at least action going on in basketball as opposed to baseball. Seriously, all they do is stand around and spit, with the occasional running around and sliding. Add in a water slide and it’s your standard children’s birthday party. But this isn’t about how mind numbingly boring baseball is. This is about…da da dum..March Madness!

pictured above: the only reason i would watch baseball. Also, boobs.

Yes, March Madness. It happens every year at some point. I’m guessing March, but I’m not a betting man. However, apparently many of you are. It’s estimated that every year, tens of billions of dollars are dropped in illegal wagers. That’s billion. With a “b”. This amount of money attracts seasoned gamblers that religiously follow the games all year, as well as those casual betters who are placing wagers on teams that match their high school colors. Of course there are places to gamble legally, like Las Vegas. But I’m guessing all that money just goes to the Corleone family, so that doesn’t count.

"Gimme some of the phat basketball cash!"

All this excitement starts with the beginning of the college basketball season, when the several thousand college basketball teams engage in a classic battle of man vs. man, good vs. evil and the desire to throw an orange ball through a small netted hoop, without regard to the fact that many of these players will never see the inside of a professional teams locker room, their dreams of stardom dashed by someone else whose speed, hand eye coordination and tactical skill exceeds their own. Also, eye of the tiger probably. The multitude of teams eventually whittles down to just over sixty, in a single elimination tournament called March Madness. Teams like the South Carolina Gamecocks, the Syracuse Orange, the Nebraska Cornhuskers and South Dakota Lemmings will all compete for the top spot. By the way, only one of those teams is made up. Can you guess which? (And what the fuck is a gamecock anyway?)

"Gamecock? That's what she said!"

Once the tournament is on the way, anyone who has even a passing interest in the sport is expected to complete what’s known as a “bracket”. Even Obama fills one out, because if he doesn’t, then he gets attacked by Fox News for not being one of the people. Of course, once Obama fills it out, he gets attacked by Fox News for not taking the presidency seriously. I don’t like Fox News.

"Fuck Fox. I got Bin laden, bitches."

But I digest…I don’t know much about “bracketing” except what I’ve seen on TV. It seems like it’s a lot of lines on a board and you write team names on the lines based on your own system of determining which team is likely to beat another. Now, there are entire websites devoted to complicated systems and statistics and averages and probably magic to figure out the winners, I don’t know. So for some reason people take this very seriously. They spend hours with friends, both real and internet/imaginary, arguing in favor of one team or another, until they proudly present their bracket to the world. And then the comparisons begin. If one more person asks me if I’ve completed my bracket or how is my bracket doing or bracket bracket bracket…I don’t know. I might murder someone. I feel like I could do it. I’ve seen all six seasons of Dexter and I think I’ve picked up some good tips.

"My bracket? Come a little closer..."

Anyway, that’s all I know about March Madness. Considering the fact that I know absolutely nothing about basketball, this was pretty impressive, huh? Come back next time, when we discuss more things I know nothing about, like not murdering people who annoy me with sports talk.

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