Sharknado? More like Shark-nodo

(Update:  Apparently I need to put a disclaimer up, because too many people don't know the meaning of satire.  This is a humor site.  Everything you read here is fictional.  You're welcome.)


Sharks.  Ever since Jaws, sharks have been in the public consciousness as the mightiest predator in the seas.  With their sleek form, lighting fast attacks and dead black eyes as soulless as Michael Myers, it’s little wonder that they encapsulate all that’s mysterious and deadly about our planets oceans, 95% of which are still unexplored.  So popular are sharks, that they are the star attractions of Discovery Channels’ yearly Shark Week.  Yes, on the network that gave us Amish Mafia, we still get the occasional science related program. 

"So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks.  And I'm like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex.  And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex?...Because whales are mammals and sharks are animals.  They have nothing to do with each other."-actual quote from Discovery Channel interview.

 Even the Syfy network is getting involved in the shark craze, releasing original films like Sharknado, Ghost Shark and Jersey Shore Shark Attack. 

 

This is real.  And so stupid, Google refused to participate.

With all this interest in sharks, we here at Random Crapp decided to delve deeper into what all the fuss is about.  We contacted noted marine biologist Dr. Stephanie Carter from the University of Texas Marine Science Institute in Port Aransas, Tx.  What follows is a transcript of our interview.

transcript begins

Random Crapp (RC):  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

Dr. Stephanie Carter (Dr.):  Of course.  After all, when the senior editor from Scientific American requests an interview, you don’t say no!

RC:  (clearing throat) Right.  Scientific American.  Where I’m from.  Let’s start, if we can, by you giving your name and occupation, for the record.

Dr.:  My name is Dr. Stephanie Carter.  I’m a marine biologist with the University of Texas Marine Science Institute. 

RC:   And you’re a sharkologist?

Dr.:  Well, technically, I’m an ichthyologist. 

RC:  An icky pologist?

Dr.:  Ichthyologist.

RC:  Wiki dogolist?

Dr.: Icthy-..you know what?  I’m a sharkologist.

RC:  So as a sharkologist, what’s up with this whole Megalodon thing on Discovery Channel?  That thing is huge!

Dr.:  The megalodon was one of the largest predators ever to inhabit the oceans.  Growing anywhere from 45-60 feet in length, think of a very large great white shark.

RC:  Holy crapp.  That’s one big fish!

Dr.: Indeed.

RC:  And what is the scientific community doing to curb the threat of the modern megalodon?

Dr.:  What do you mean?  Modern megalodon?

RC:  As I’m sure you’re aware, there was a recent documentary on the Discovery Channel proving that these creatures still exist.

Dr.:  I can assure you, no megalodons exist today.  They died out millions of years ago, sometime around the time the Discovery Channel lost all credibility. 

RC:  Fair enough.  What about sharknado?

Dr.:  Excuse me?

RC:  On a scale of one to ten, one being no threat, and ten being an invasion of walking sharks armed with advanced aquatic weaponry led by Aquaman, how much danger would you say we are in?

Dr.:  ……

RC:  Dr. Carter?

Dr.:  ….I’m sorry.  That question was so stupid, I think I may actually have died for a few seconds.

RC:  Well, welcome back?

 Dr.:  Thanks.  It was close.

RC:  Back to sharknado…-

Dr.:  I’m sorry, excuse me.  But you said you were from Scientific American?

RC:  Uh, yes, that’s right.

Dr.:  Would you mind showing me some credentials.

RC:  (reaching into my wallet)  Here you go.  My card.

Dr.:  This is a receipt.  For hemorrhoid cream.

RC:  My number is on the back.

Dr.:  Why?

RC:  I’m single, so…you’re kinda cute?

Dr.:  Get out.

Transcript ends

I would like to thank the University of Texas and Dr. Stephanie Carter for their time and for not pressing charges.  I would say this was a complete waste of time, but I managed to sneak a shark skull out of the reception room as I was being escorted out.  So, you know.  Score.

JrX

I Don't Get it

This post is unrelated to my short story Strange Faces.  Enjoy.

If you follow me on facebook, some of you may already know this, but the other day I was watching a video on Redtube and I ran into a little problem. 

(I’m gonna pause right here to let you fabricate your own jokes to the above sentence.)

(All done?)

First of all, don’t sit there and tell me you’ve never watched a porn video online, you sick bastard.  We all do it.  Some of the top porn sites online get more hits that Google and Facebook combined.  Current studies show up to 30% of all web traffice is pornography.  That means that after you “like” your friends cat pics on Facebook and check the news, you’re most likely to head over to Pornhub and rub one out.  Another way of saying that is if you live with two other people, and you yourself never watch porn, beware of sticky surfaces. 

But all of that is besides the point.  The point is, as I was trying to close the video I was watching, I accidently hit the “share on Facebook” button.  Now, that scared the shit out of me.  Because, while I’m not particulary ashamed to be watching porn, it’s not an activity I like to share with friends and family.  It’s one of those things you just don’t share with most people.  So why the fuck is there a Twitter and Facebook button on those videos?  I mean, who made that decision?  Wouldn’t you love to have been there when that conversation took place?

-We’ve done it John!  The most largest and most comprehensive porn site on the internet!

-Great job, Gary!  But I feel like its missing something, don’t you?

-What do you mean?

-Well, when you’re watching porn online, what the one thing you wish you could do?

-Hmmm…I supppose I always wished that I could share my mastubatory aids with all my friends and family.  But that will probably never happen.

-Don’t be so sure.  Why not put a “share” button on every video?  That way you can post to Facebook or Twitter any video that gets you off, like that one with the two guys and the girl, with the chains, you know?

-Yes!  By golly, you’re right!  My grandma would love that!  Also, cat pics!

In closing, no I don’t want to share my porn with my friends and family.  But thank you for asking.

Strange Faces: Part 12

Strange Faces:  Part 12

Depression can affect people in a lot of different ways. Some people try to hide it. Some will seek help. Others will just give in. It just becomes too much to handle on their own. Of course, there are resources out there for people like that, support groups and such. But that would require an admission that something is wrong with you. And that's a step too far for most.

There's a sort of social stigma associated with depression. A kind of inherent shame that most people experience. A feeling that, on some level, you're broken. You lose interest in things, you can't sleep, you cry for no reason. It's a feeling of hopelessness. A sense that everything is going wrong. Trying to explain that to people just makes them think you're sad. But being sad when things go wrong is normal. Depression is being sad when things are fine.

As for me, I try to hide it. For as long as I can remember, I feel like I've been living two different lives. In one life, I'm funny and fun to be with. I go out drinking and partying with friends. I ask the occasional girl out on a date. Everything that you would expect from someone normal. Because that's what I'm trying to be. Normal. Or at least what I think normal is.

But my other life is different. The life no one else sees is anything but normal. It's a constant struggle to find a reason to get up every morning. To locate the motivation to live for another day. Because there's no real joy in anything I do. Happiness, to me, is a fable. An illusion. An urban myth, like bigfoot or the jersey devil. It's something everyone talks about, but I've never seen. So I pretend. I'm good at that. I practice my smile and slip on my mask and hope that no one notices.

But it gets harder everyday. And the harder it gets, the more I look for a way out. An exit from this life that seems like a carnival ride from hell. So it seems that my current situation would be ideal. Here's a way out that I never envisioned before, and I wouldn't have to do anything other that submit. And it would be soooo easy. Because to do it myself would be too hard. I know. I've tried.

They say that taking your own life is the easy way out. That real courage is living your life. Well, I disagree. To me, living is easy. All it takes is breath and time. Ending your life, on the other hand, is the most difficult thing a person could do. To go against every natural instinct in your body, to resist the innate programming to survive, to watch as your own life slips away; that, to me, takes a certain amount of courage that living does not.

But as close as I've come, I'm still here. At least for the moment, since I was staring at a way out now, that would take the decision out of my hands. So why am I fighting it? For the simple reason that I don't like to lose.

Not that I win at every thing I do. I don't. And I've never been the best at anything either. But I am a bit competitive. And I'll keep playing until I win.   It’s the only reason I’m still here.  I remain perpetually afraid of the day I no longer care about winning.  What I lose on that day will be more than a game.  I fear it will be my life.

But today is not that day.

JrX

Strange Faces: Part 11

“Now what?” asked Sancho.

“I don’t know, but we probably don’t have much time.  He could be back any minute.” I said.

The entity we had come to know as Scooter had retreated into the house after cryptically warning that we were about to “do it the hard way”. After several minutes of snickering at his phrasing, which I will not recount here, we were still no closer to a plan than before, and I felt that we were running out of time.

“Wait a minute, I got it!” exclaimed my brother.

Sancho and I turned to face him, expectantly.  I don’t think either of us really believed he had a viable plan, but I was certain it would be entertaining.

“Ok, get this.  First we all jump him at once.  He doesn't look that strong.  I’ll hold his legs, Sancho you hold his arms, and then you read passages of Twilight until begs for mercy.”

“You idiot”, I said.  “Where are we going to get a copy of Twilight at this hour?”

“You’re both idiots,” said Sancho.  “Is that what you focused on, really?  Twilight?  How about we just jump him, like he said.  Why haven’t we tried that yet?”

“I don’t know.  He’s kind of creepy.  I don’t want to touch him.”

“Well you might have to anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look, this thing wants to basically absorb you, right?  He wants to take over your body, god knows why.  But you’re basically the same person, see?  So, why can’t you just absorb him?”

“You really think I haven’t thought about that?”

“Well you haven’t said anything.  What’s the problem with that?”

“The problem is, he might be right, OK?  I’m not sure I wouldn't just welcome oblivion.”

My brother looked up from his spell-books.  “What are you talking about?  You’re still depressed?  Just get over it already.”

“Sure,” I said.  “”Cause its that easy.”

“Look, the fact is, I’m just not sure how much I care.  This has already gone on way too long and I’m beginning to lose interest. “

“Well that doesn't mean you have to let yourself be taken over by the handless wonder over there.”

“Why not?  I’m tired, OK?  Tired of waking up and doing the same thing every day.  Forcing a smile on my face like a cheap mask so that people will think I’m normal.  I dislike or outright hate almost everyone and everything seems stupid to me.  The best part of my day is going to sleep and the worst part is waking up.”

There was silence for a moment.  Sancho and my brother shared a glance, neither one of them daring to look me in the eye.  I had to think that they both knew how I felt.  I may not broadcast my feelings, but surely they must have picked up on it from time to time, which would account for their reticence to speak.  It was a shared shame. 

Not being able to admit my depression was my shame.  Theirs was not saying something when they knew that must be a problem.  

Not that I could blame them.  Not when I wasn't ready to talk about it myself.  In fact, I don’t want to talk about it now.  It’s all that doppelgangers fault.

“You know what?”  I said.  “Fuck that guy.”

My brother and my friend looked up in confusion.

“Yeah,” agreed Sancho, “fuck that guy.  You’re not gonna let that guy win are you?”

“No.  I’m not” I said with sudden conviction.  “I may be every bit as pathetic as he says I am, but if I have to go, it’s gonna be when I decide to go.”

“Alright then!”  said a grinning Buster.  “So we jump him and then fuck his shit up! Right?”

“No, that’s not the way” said Sancho. 

Buster said, “what do you mean?  Lets kick his ass!  I’ll get the butter knife.”

I turned to the house, where Scooter was just making his way out the back door.  He was carrying something, but I couldn't quite make it out at this distance.  No doubt a prop in his plan to “do it the hard way”.  I wondered what it was.

“You don’t understand”, said Sancho.  “Scooter is everything that’s missing from your brother.  The desire, the motivation, the ability to see color in the world instead of viewing it in black and white.  Scooter wants to merge to become the dominant personality,  and bury him somewhere deep.  But what if it’s the other way around?”

“He means,” I said, turning to look at my brother, “What if I can merge with him and take back all that I've been missing?”

“All these years, I've always felt so empty.  Whatever dark recesses of my mind he emerged from, he brought back what could possibly make me whole again.”

With new determination, I called out to Scooter, “Come get some.”

To be continued..

JrX

Strange Faces: Part 10

Part 10

“I thought you had to summon him first?” I asked Buster.

“Yeah, that would have been awesome,” he said.

“You dumbasses.  He wants to be here more than we want him here, more than likely,” added Sancho.

“What do you mean?”

“He means”, my mirror self interrupted, “I’m ready for my close up”.

And with that, the environment around us began to shimmer as the apparition we’ve come to know as Scooter once again tore its way into our reality.  Stepping out of the mirror onto the lawn, he seemed more there than ever, something I attributed to the magical energies at work in my back yard.  Walking to the edge of the circle, he now seemed to be nothing more than a crude facsimile of myself.  Once familiar features were dissolving into a more ragged visage as he gained more strength. 

Or maybe I’m just really seeing myself for the first time, I thought.

 And shuddered.

  As he walked toward the circle, he reached out with his left hand, testing the limits of our protection.  The air seemed to ripple as he dragged his fingers across the invisible barrier.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “Entry requires both hands.”

“Ohhhh, burn!” said Sancho, as he and my brother smirked.

“Hmmmm...” Scooter looked at the stump of his right hand.  “I’m gonna let that one go.”

I said, “Well, that very handsome of you.”

“All right, enough.  You know why I’m here.”

“You’re looking for a handout?” asked Sancho.

“Ok, that’s real funny, but now it’s time for bus-“

“Holy athame!” shouted Buster, as he threw the butter knife at Scooter.

We all watched as it sailed harmlessly past my doppelganger to land with a soft thud next to the mirror.  There was a moment of silence as we all turned to look at my brother, who took this opportunity to study his shoes.  “Soooo….what were you saying again?” he asked.

Scooter responded, “I was saying, it’s time to end this foolishness and get down to business.”

I stepped forward warily.  I knew that this had to end as well, as it had gotten progressively stupider as the night wore on.  The human mind can only tolerate so much.  But I had no idea what to do.  Looking him in the eye, I asked  “So, what happens now?”

“What happens now is you come out of that circle and join with me.  You won’t be completely lost, just kind of put away.  In a nice little corner of our mind.  I made a nice little virtual room for you; its got a tv and an Xbox and plenty of porn, so you won’t be bored.  And you won’t have to worry about anything else, ever again.”

“I already do that.  I fail to see the benefit here.”

“Don’t be so glib” he responded.  “Think about it.  You want this.”

“And what would you get out of this…arrangement?” I asked, ignoring his last statement.

“A chance to live a real life.”

“What, like Pinocchio?”

“Uh, sure, like Pinocchio.  But –“

“Because I don’t know how that would work out for you.”

“…uh, well-“

“You know at one point he was turned into a donkey?”

“Ok, but ….well.. what?”

“The point is, I like my life the way it is.”

“Wait, how did any of what you just said have a point, and how was…you know what?  Doesn’t matter.   Look, this is happening, whether you like it or not, so just lay back, spread your legs and go to your happy place.”

“Yeah, well how are you going to get me?  Huh?  Come at me bro!  Oh, wait, you can’t cross our circle, can you?  Well, that’s jus too bad, sucka.” And with that, I put my right arm straight out and opened my fingers, staring bullets into my twin.

From behind me, I heard Sancho ask, “Did he just pretend to drop a microphone in front of Scooter, like in that movie with that one rapper guy?”

“Yeah,” said Buster.  “But I think he pulled it off.”

Ignoring everyone else, Scooter looks me in directly in the eye. 

“Alright, you want to do this the hard way?  Let’s do it the hard way.”

To be continued. Probably.

Jrx