(Update: Apparently I need to put a disclaimer up, because too many people don't know the meaning of satire. This is a humor site. Everything you read here is fictional. You're welcome.)
Sharks. Ever since Jaws, sharks have been in the public consciousness as the mightiest predator in the seas. With their sleek form, lighting fast attacks and dead black eyes as soulless as Michael Myers, it’s little wonder that they encapsulate all that’s mysterious and deadly about our planets oceans, 95% of which are still unexplored. So popular are sharks, that they are the star attractions of Discovery Channels’ yearly Shark Week. Yes, on the network that gave us Amish Mafia, we still get the occasional science related program.
Sharks. Ever since Jaws, sharks have been in the public consciousness as the mightiest predator in the seas. With their sleek form, lighting fast attacks and dead black eyes as soulless as Michael Myers, it’s little wonder that they encapsulate all that’s mysterious and deadly about our planets oceans, 95% of which are still unexplored. So popular are sharks, that they are the star attractions of Discovery Channels’ yearly Shark Week. Yes, on the network that gave us Amish Mafia, we still get the occasional science related program.
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| "So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks. And I'm like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex. And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex?...Because whales are mammals and sharks are animals. They have nothing to do with each other."-actual quote from Discovery Channel interview. |
Even the Syfy network is getting involved in
the shark craze, releasing original films like Sharknado, Ghost Shark and
Jersey Shore Shark Attack.
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| This is real. And so stupid, Google refused to participate. |
With all this interest in sharks, we here at Random Crapp
decided to delve deeper into what all the fuss is about. We contacted noted marine biologist Dr.
Stephanie Carter from the University of Texas Marine Science Institute in Port
Aransas, Tx. What follows is a
transcript of our interview.
transcript begins
Random Crapp (RC):
Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.
Dr. Stephanie Carter (Dr.):
Of course. After all, when the
senior editor from Scientific American requests an interview, you don’t say no!
RC: (clearing throat)
Right. Scientific American. Where I’m from. Let’s start, if we can, by you giving your
name and occupation, for the record.
Dr.: My name is Dr.
Stephanie Carter. I’m a marine biologist
with the University of Texas Marine Science Institute.
RC: And you’re a
sharkologist?
Dr.: Well,
technically, I’m an ichthyologist.
RC: An icky pologist?
Dr.: Ichthyologist.
RC: Wiki dogolist?
Dr.: Icthy-..you know what?
I’m a sharkologist.
RC: So as a
sharkologist, what’s up with this whole Megalodon thing on Discovery
Channel? That thing is huge!
Dr.: The megalodon
was one of the largest predators ever to inhabit the oceans. Growing anywhere from 45-60 feet in length,
think of a very large great white shark.
RC: Holy crapp. That’s one big fish!
Dr.: Indeed.
RC: And what is the
scientific community doing to curb the threat of the modern megalodon?
Dr.: What do you mean? Modern megalodon?
RC: As I’m sure you’re
aware, there was a recent documentary on the Discovery Channel proving that these
creatures still exist.
Dr.: I can assure
you, no megalodons exist today. They
died out millions of years ago, sometime around the time the Discovery Channel
lost all credibility.
RC: Fair enough. What about sharknado?
Dr.: Excuse me?
RC: On a scale of one
to ten, one being no threat, and ten being an invasion of walking sharks armed
with advanced aquatic weaponry led by Aquaman, how much danger would you say
we are in?
Dr.: ……
RC: Dr. Carter?
Dr.: ….I’m
sorry. That question was so stupid, I
think I may actually have died for a few seconds.
RC: Well, welcome
back?
RC: Back to sharknado…-
Dr.: I’m sorry,
excuse me. But you said you were from
Scientific American?
RC: Uh, yes, that’s right.
Dr.: Would you mind
showing me some credentials.
RC: (reaching into my
wallet) Here you go. My card.
Dr.: This is a
receipt. For hemorrhoid cream.
RC: My number is on
the back.
Dr.: Why?
RC: I’m single, so…you’re
kinda cute?
Dr.: Get out.
Transcript ends
I would like to thank the University of Texas and Dr.
Stephanie Carter for their time and for not pressing charges. I would say this was a complete waste of
time, but I managed to sneak a shark skull out of the reception room as I was
being escorted out. So, you know. Score.
JrX
