Sharknado? More like Shark-nodo

(Update:  Apparently I need to put a disclaimer up, because too many people don't know the meaning of satire.  This is a humor site.  Everything you read here is fictional.  You're welcome.)


Sharks.  Ever since Jaws, sharks have been in the public consciousness as the mightiest predator in the seas.  With their sleek form, lighting fast attacks and dead black eyes as soulless as Michael Myers, it’s little wonder that they encapsulate all that’s mysterious and deadly about our planets oceans, 95% of which are still unexplored.  So popular are sharks, that they are the star attractions of Discovery Channels’ yearly Shark Week.  Yes, on the network that gave us Amish Mafia, we still get the occasional science related program. 

"So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks.  And I'm like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex.  And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex?...Because whales are mammals and sharks are animals.  They have nothing to do with each other."-actual quote from Discovery Channel interview.

 Even the Syfy network is getting involved in the shark craze, releasing original films like Sharknado, Ghost Shark and Jersey Shore Shark Attack. 

 

This is real.  And so stupid, Google refused to participate.

With all this interest in sharks, we here at Random Crapp decided to delve deeper into what all the fuss is about.  We contacted noted marine biologist Dr. Stephanie Carter from the University of Texas Marine Science Institute in Port Aransas, Tx.  What follows is a transcript of our interview.

transcript begins

Random Crapp (RC):  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

Dr. Stephanie Carter (Dr.):  Of course.  After all, when the senior editor from Scientific American requests an interview, you don’t say no!

RC:  (clearing throat) Right.  Scientific American.  Where I’m from.  Let’s start, if we can, by you giving your name and occupation, for the record.

Dr.:  My name is Dr. Stephanie Carter.  I’m a marine biologist with the University of Texas Marine Science Institute. 

RC:   And you’re a sharkologist?

Dr.:  Well, technically, I’m an ichthyologist. 

RC:  An icky pologist?

Dr.:  Ichthyologist.

RC:  Wiki dogolist?

Dr.: Icthy-..you know what?  I’m a sharkologist.

RC:  So as a sharkologist, what’s up with this whole Megalodon thing on Discovery Channel?  That thing is huge!

Dr.:  The megalodon was one of the largest predators ever to inhabit the oceans.  Growing anywhere from 45-60 feet in length, think of a very large great white shark.

RC:  Holy crapp.  That’s one big fish!

Dr.: Indeed.

RC:  And what is the scientific community doing to curb the threat of the modern megalodon?

Dr.:  What do you mean?  Modern megalodon?

RC:  As I’m sure you’re aware, there was a recent documentary on the Discovery Channel proving that these creatures still exist.

Dr.:  I can assure you, no megalodons exist today.  They died out millions of years ago, sometime around the time the Discovery Channel lost all credibility. 

RC:  Fair enough.  What about sharknado?

Dr.:  Excuse me?

RC:  On a scale of one to ten, one being no threat, and ten being an invasion of walking sharks armed with advanced aquatic weaponry led by Aquaman, how much danger would you say we are in?

Dr.:  ……

RC:  Dr. Carter?

Dr.:  ….I’m sorry.  That question was so stupid, I think I may actually have died for a few seconds.

RC:  Well, welcome back?

 Dr.:  Thanks.  It was close.

RC:  Back to sharknado…-

Dr.:  I’m sorry, excuse me.  But you said you were from Scientific American?

RC:  Uh, yes, that’s right.

Dr.:  Would you mind showing me some credentials.

RC:  (reaching into my wallet)  Here you go.  My card.

Dr.:  This is a receipt.  For hemorrhoid cream.

RC:  My number is on the back.

Dr.:  Why?

RC:  I’m single, so…you’re kinda cute?

Dr.:  Get out.

Transcript ends

I would like to thank the University of Texas and Dr. Stephanie Carter for their time and for not pressing charges.  I would say this was a complete waste of time, but I managed to sneak a shark skull out of the reception room as I was being escorted out.  So, you know.  Score.

JrX

March Madness? More like March Madidontlikesportsness.

Football is Americas sport. Baseball is America’s pastime. So what does that make basketball? Not as boring as baseball, maybe? Perhaps. It can be said that there is at least action going on in basketball as opposed to baseball. Seriously, all they do is stand around and spit, with the occasional running around and sliding. Add in a water slide and it’s your standard children’s birthday party. But this isn’t about how mind numbingly boring baseball is. This is about…da da dum..March Madness!

pictured above: the only reason i would watch baseball. Also, boobs.

Yes, March Madness. It happens every year at some point. I’m guessing March, but I’m not a betting man. However, apparently many of you are. It’s estimated that every year, tens of billions of dollars are dropped in illegal wagers. That’s billion. With a “b”. This amount of money attracts seasoned gamblers that religiously follow the games all year, as well as those casual betters who are placing wagers on teams that match their high school colors. Of course there are places to gamble legally, like Las Vegas. But I’m guessing all that money just goes to the Corleone family, so that doesn’t count.

"Gimme some of the phat basketball cash!"

All this excitement starts with the beginning of the college basketball season, when the several thousand college basketball teams engage in a classic battle of man vs. man, good vs. evil and the desire to throw an orange ball through a small netted hoop, without regard to the fact that many of these players will never see the inside of a professional teams locker room, their dreams of stardom dashed by someone else whose speed, hand eye coordination and tactical skill exceeds their own. Also, eye of the tiger probably. The multitude of teams eventually whittles down to just over sixty, in a single elimination tournament called March Madness. Teams like the South Carolina Gamecocks, the Syracuse Orange, the Nebraska Cornhuskers and South Dakota Lemmings will all compete for the top spot. By the way, only one of those teams is made up. Can you guess which? (And what the fuck is a gamecock anyway?)

"Gamecock? That's what she said!"

Once the tournament is on the way, anyone who has even a passing interest in the sport is expected to complete what’s known as a “bracket”. Even Obama fills one out, because if he doesn’t, then he gets attacked by Fox News for not being one of the people. Of course, once Obama fills it out, he gets attacked by Fox News for not taking the presidency seriously. I don’t like Fox News.

"Fuck Fox. I got Bin laden, bitches."

But I digest…I don’t know much about “bracketing” except what I’ve seen on TV. It seems like it’s a lot of lines on a board and you write team names on the lines based on your own system of determining which team is likely to beat another. Now, there are entire websites devoted to complicated systems and statistics and averages and probably magic to figure out the winners, I don’t know. So for some reason people take this very seriously. They spend hours with friends, both real and internet/imaginary, arguing in favor of one team or another, until they proudly present their bracket to the world. And then the comparisons begin. If one more person asks me if I’ve completed my bracket or how is my bracket doing or bracket bracket bracket…I don’t know. I might murder someone. I feel like I could do it. I’ve seen all six seasons of Dexter and I think I’ve picked up some good tips.

"My bracket? Come a little closer..."

Anyway, that’s all I know about March Madness. Considering the fact that I know absolutely nothing about basketball, this was pretty impressive, huh? Come back next time, when we discuss more things I know nothing about, like not murdering people who annoy me with sports talk.

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