Random Facts

A short collection of Random Facts.  We stand behind the veracity of every claim made in this posting.  I mean, the internet wouldn't lie, right?  Right?

Fact #1:  

The age of the earth is 4.4 billion years old, or nearly twice as old as your mom.

Your mom is not amused.

Fact #2:

Today's (3/20/15) solar eclipse wasn't visible in north America, but if you wanted to know what it would be like to witness it firsthand, just follow these simple directions.

First, get the brightest flashlight you can get your hands on. Second, shine it directly in your eyes. Third, apply for government disability, because now your blind.

Congratulations! You've simulated a solar eclipse!

Science!

Fact #3:

It's not the gold that makes the Gold Apple Watch so expensive. It's because each watch is individually loaded with the trapped soul of a Chinese factory worker who committed suicide rather than work for Apple. Normal Apple Watches simply run on children's tears.

Now you know.

Get yours today!

Fact #4:

Olympus Mons is the largest vagina in the solar system.

Hold on, wait..VOLCANO! I meant that Olympus Mons is the largest VOLCANO in the solar system! What did you think I said?!

Pervert.

Relax.  It's just a close up of a flower.  A sexy, sexy flower.

Fact #5:

The mimic octopus can not only change colors, but can mimic the body shapes of other animals like the flounder, the lionfish and the monopoly guy.

No free parking for you.

Fact #6:

Vending machines kill 4 times as many people a year as sharks do, and yet SyFy STILL hasn't made a movie about a killer soda machine/tornado.

Don't let me down, SyFy.

Fact #7:

If you type the word "hashtag" immediately after the hashtag symbol, #, you will break the internet.

At least, that's what I heard.

Do not try this at home.

Fact #8:

If you were to take the time to individually count every grain of sand at the beach, you would soon discover that you're a very boring person.

This photo is not relevant.  Just enjoy it.

Fact #9:

If you were to take all 7 billion people currently living on earth and place them together in one room, there would STILL be one old lady with a full basket of groceries ahead of you in the only open checkout lane at Walmart. And she's paying by check. With coupons.

That bitch.

Fact #10:

Its possible, with proper training and supervision, to spend the rest of your life underwater by holding your breath until you die.

She was kind of annoying anyway.

Fact #11:

There is a jelly fish called Turritopsis dohrnii that essentially lives forever. They came from the dawn of time; moving silently down through the centuries, living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the Gathering; when the few who remain will battle to the last. No one has ever known they were among you... until now.

There can be only one.

Fact #12:

Girl scout cookies are not actually made from real girl scouts. That would be monstrous.

In fact, they are made from artificially grown CLONES of real girl scouts. Which is much better.

JrX

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Sharknado? More like Shark-nodo

(Update:  Apparently I need to put a disclaimer up, because too many people don't know the meaning of satire.  This is a humor site.  Everything you read here is fictional.  You're welcome.)


Sharks.  Ever since Jaws, sharks have been in the public consciousness as the mightiest predator in the seas.  With their sleek form, lighting fast attacks and dead black eyes as soulless as Michael Myers, it’s little wonder that they encapsulate all that’s mysterious and deadly about our planets oceans, 95% of which are still unexplored.  So popular are sharks, that they are the star attractions of Discovery Channels’ yearly Shark Week.  Yes, on the network that gave us Amish Mafia, we still get the occasional science related program. 

"So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks.  And I'm like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex.  And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex?...Because whales are mammals and sharks are animals.  They have nothing to do with each other."-actual quote from Discovery Channel interview.

 Even the Syfy network is getting involved in the shark craze, releasing original films like Sharknado, Ghost Shark and Jersey Shore Shark Attack. 

 

This is real.  And so stupid, Google refused to participate.

With all this interest in sharks, we here at Random Crapp decided to delve deeper into what all the fuss is about.  We contacted noted marine biologist Dr. Stephanie Carter from the University of Texas Marine Science Institute in Port Aransas, Tx.  What follows is a transcript of our interview.

transcript begins

Random Crapp (RC):  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

Dr. Stephanie Carter (Dr.):  Of course.  After all, when the senior editor from Scientific American requests an interview, you don’t say no!

RC:  (clearing throat) Right.  Scientific American.  Where I’m from.  Let’s start, if we can, by you giving your name and occupation, for the record.

Dr.:  My name is Dr. Stephanie Carter.  I’m a marine biologist with the University of Texas Marine Science Institute. 

RC:   And you’re a sharkologist?

Dr.:  Well, technically, I’m an ichthyologist. 

RC:  An icky pologist?

Dr.:  Ichthyologist.

RC:  Wiki dogolist?

Dr.: Icthy-..you know what?  I’m a sharkologist.

RC:  So as a sharkologist, what’s up with this whole Megalodon thing on Discovery Channel?  That thing is huge!

Dr.:  The megalodon was one of the largest predators ever to inhabit the oceans.  Growing anywhere from 45-60 feet in length, think of a very large great white shark.

RC:  Holy crapp.  That’s one big fish!

Dr.: Indeed.

RC:  And what is the scientific community doing to curb the threat of the modern megalodon?

Dr.:  What do you mean?  Modern megalodon?

RC:  As I’m sure you’re aware, there was a recent documentary on the Discovery Channel proving that these creatures still exist.

Dr.:  I can assure you, no megalodons exist today.  They died out millions of years ago, sometime around the time the Discovery Channel lost all credibility. 

RC:  Fair enough.  What about sharknado?

Dr.:  Excuse me?

RC:  On a scale of one to ten, one being no threat, and ten being an invasion of walking sharks armed with advanced aquatic weaponry led by Aquaman, how much danger would you say we are in?

Dr.:  ……

RC:  Dr. Carter?

Dr.:  ….I’m sorry.  That question was so stupid, I think I may actually have died for a few seconds.

RC:  Well, welcome back?

 Dr.:  Thanks.  It was close.

RC:  Back to sharknado…-

Dr.:  I’m sorry, excuse me.  But you said you were from Scientific American?

RC:  Uh, yes, that’s right.

Dr.:  Would you mind showing me some credentials.

RC:  (reaching into my wallet)  Here you go.  My card.

Dr.:  This is a receipt.  For hemorrhoid cream.

RC:  My number is on the back.

Dr.:  Why?

RC:  I’m single, so…you’re kinda cute?

Dr.:  Get out.

Transcript ends

I would like to thank the University of Texas and Dr. Stephanie Carter for their time and for not pressing charges.  I would say this was a complete waste of time, but I managed to sneak a shark skull out of the reception room as I was being escorted out.  So, you know.  Score.

JrX