Adventures In Illness

Winter is almost over, at least in my part of the country, but it looks like I won’t be coming through unscathed.  The cold virus has sunk its claws deep into me, releasing a torrent of mucus and expectorant unprecedented in the annals of Random Crapp.  Time to Google home remedies.

Remedy #1  Drink plenty of fluids

Ok, according to Web-Md the goal here is to drink plenty of fluids, at least 8-10 ounces daily.  This will help keep you hydrated and your throat moist.  No problem.  I work at a bar so I have access to an enormous variety of fluids.  This might be the best home remedy ever.

Result

Bleeegghhh.  That how I spell the act of vomiting.  This home cure didn't work at all and I must have drunk way more than 8-10 ounces of fluid.  Mostly beer, but also plenty of tequila.  I figured that it would cure me from the inside out.  I was wrong. 

Remedy #2  Humidifier

Ok, this one works by inhaling steam to ease your congestion and stuffy nose.  I don’t have a humidifier, but apparently I can achieve the same effect by holding my head over a pot of boiling water and breathe slowly through my nose.  Seems like a lot of work though, so I decided to just sit in my car with the garage door closed and let the exhaust do the work for me.

Result

I am writing this after a state mandated 72 hour observation period has ended.  Apparently there is some concern that I may be a danger to myself.  Also, still sick.

Remedy #3 Nasal Spray

This remedy requires you to irrigate your nasal passages with a saline nasal spray.  If you don’t have a saline nasal spray, don’t worry, you can make your own.  Here’s how:

 Mix 3 teaspoons of iodide-free salt and 1 teaspoon baking soda. Place in an airtight container. Add 1 teaspoon of this mixture to 8 ounces of lukewarm boiled or distilled water. Fill a bulb syringe with this solution Lean your head over a basin, and using the bulb syringe, gently squirt the salt water into your nose. Hold one nostril closed by applying light finger pressure while squirting the salt mixture into the other nostril. Let it drain. Then treat the other nostril.

Result

I used table salt and regular soda because I didn't want to go to the grocery store.  It didn't end well.  Not recommended. 

Conclusion

Alright, so far nothing has worked.  Time to try some more drastic.  We here at Random Crapp have been working on an experimental weapon on contract for DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.  With some of the best minds this country has to offer and a budget of 15 million dollars, we have developed the worlds first functioning shrink ray.  That’s right, suck it Doctor Horrible!

Dammit.

Now to use it to shrink a team of doctors to microscopic size, inject them into my bloodstream and hope they can destroy the cold virus from inside my body.  Using my extensive contacts within the government I've assembled a team of professionals to miniaturize with my shrink ray and battle the cold virus mano a mano

. 
They are:
One brash young doctor with a carefree attitude. 
A brilliant female virologist with everything to prove.
One grizzled old mercenary with a mysterious past.
And one random black guy played by Orlando Jones.

I'm gonna die, aren't I?

Mission Journal 1

I've successfully miniaturized my team of adventures and injected them into my body, although finding them after being shrunk proved to be more difficult than I previously thought. Probably should have planned for that. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family of Orlando Jones. We have high hopes that we'll be able to locate him soon.

Mission Journal 4

Communications with my team have failed. Their last transmission indicated that they had lost their mercenary body guard to rogue antibodies. However, through pure grit and determination the two remaining doctors have figured out how to destroy the cold virus once and for all, and have begun their final assault after a steamy romance session where the young, brilliant and curvaceous Dr. Lady-tits finally learned how to loosen up and live life to the fullest with the help of Dr. Manly and his penis. 

All we can do now is pray.

Mission Journal 9

The mission has failed! I repeat, the mission has failed! After seemingly defeating the last of the cold virus, I was able to re-enlarge my team before they became catastrophically unstable in their miniature form. However, unbeknownst to me and my team, one lone virus cell was able to stow away on the return pad and is now a ten foot tall monster terrorizing my lab. 
If this is my last transmission, tell your wife I love her. I never meant for any of this to happen; I had the best inten--what the fuck?! 
It's here! Barricade the door! Arm yourselves, you fools! Quick, grab the--aaackkk!!!

Ooga booga!

Results

I’m gonna stick with chicken noodle soup from now on.

JrX

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I Don't Get it

This post is unrelated to my short story Strange Faces.  Enjoy.

If you follow me on facebook, some of you may already know this, but the other day I was watching a video on Redtube and I ran into a little problem. 

(I’m gonna pause right here to let you fabricate your own jokes to the above sentence.)

(All done?)

First of all, don’t sit there and tell me you’ve never watched a porn video online, you sick bastard.  We all do it.  Some of the top porn sites online get more hits that Google and Facebook combined.  Current studies show up to 30% of all web traffice is pornography.  That means that after you “like” your friends cat pics on Facebook and check the news, you’re most likely to head over to Pornhub and rub one out.  Another way of saying that is if you live with two other people, and you yourself never watch porn, beware of sticky surfaces. 

But all of that is besides the point.  The point is, as I was trying to close the video I was watching, I accidently hit the “share on Facebook” button.  Now, that scared the shit out of me.  Because, while I’m not particulary ashamed to be watching porn, it’s not an activity I like to share with friends and family.  It’s one of those things you just don’t share with most people.  So why the fuck is there a Twitter and Facebook button on those videos?  I mean, who made that decision?  Wouldn’t you love to have been there when that conversation took place?

-We’ve done it John!  The most largest and most comprehensive porn site on the internet!

-Great job, Gary!  But I feel like its missing something, don’t you?

-What do you mean?

-Well, when you’re watching porn online, what the one thing you wish you could do?

-Hmmm…I supppose I always wished that I could share my mastubatory aids with all my friends and family.  But that will probably never happen.

-Don’t be so sure.  Why not put a “share” button on every video?  That way you can post to Facebook or Twitter any video that gets you off, like that one with the two guys and the girl, with the chains, you know?

-Yes!  By golly, you’re right!  My grandma would love that!  Also, cat pics!

In closing, no I don’t want to share my porn with my friends and family.  But thank you for asking.

Wages of Win

Some of you may have noticed that there now appears to be ads on the side and bottom of this blog. Those are the result of Google Adsense and me selling out to the man. See, you sign up for Adsense and then Google will place ads on your page that have something to do with the content on your site, using keywords or magic or something, and when someone clicks them, I get money. I think it’s more complicated than that, but I didn't bother reading through all the terms and conditions. Who’s got time for that?

The important thing is that I’m well on my way to becoming independently wealthy. Since I launched this blog on May 19, I currently have a balance of $1.77. Now, admittedly that doesn’t sound like much, but remember, this is just the beginning. Word of mouth is a powerful thing (especially if you haven’t brushed) and I fully expect to be a millionaire by this time next month. What’s left now is to figure out what to do with all that money.

Now there are plenty of things that you can do with a million dollars. You could give it to charity, for example. But all those poor people would probably just spend it on booze and cigarettes, and abortions and whatever else republicans are convinced poor people do with money, which is why they keep all of it for themselves and the oil companies. Or something, I don’t know. I’ve been watching a lot of MSNBC lately.

I could become a philanthropist and use the money to enhance my community. But that’s boring. Besides, my town just got an IMAX Theater and we have two IHops here! Of course I only go to one, because then my friends and I can say, “Let’s go to the good one.”

I could horde the money. After all, they say it’s not how much you make, but how much you save. But where to put it? A regular savings account won’t yield much interest and the stock market fluctuates more wildly than a…um...damn, I had something for this. Doesn’t matter. I could spread it on my bed and roll around on it naked, like a fat, hairy, hispanic Demi Moore, but that’s a last resort (for those of you that know me, try getting that thought out of your head!).

No, there’s only one thing to do with a million dollars: zombie proof my house.

That’s right, I said it. The rapture may not have arrived on schedule, but we all know that the zombie apocalypse is coming. In fact, it may even warrant the capital “Z”. Zombie apocalypse, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombie Apocalypse. Yeah, that’s it.

It such a huge concern, that the CDC, the Centers for Freaking Disease Control, has an entire Emergency Preparedness and Response section on their website. Holy shit! You think FEMA is going to save your ass? They’ll stick us all in a stadium with limited facilities and pretty soon it’s going to be Beyond Thunderdome and a Tina Turner soundtrack in that bitch.

Not for me though. First thing I’m doing is build a moat. Fuck the neighbors. Maybe put some alligators in there or something. Reinforce the walls, put up steel shutters, a crow’s nest for sniping, you get the idea. Bulk up on supplies like food, water, ammunition and porn. Can’t discount the importance of a good porn stash, for when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, no more internet shall there be. Any leftover funds will be converted to items that can be easily bartered. Like gold, or medicine or porn.

So keep clicking on those ads, Inconstant Reader. I'm getting an estimate on a drawbridge next week.

JrX