With the emergence of Ebola in the United States, more and
more people are becoming concerned about this deadly and often misunderstood
virus. Since its arrival in Dallas,
brought by a Liberian man visiting family, the national mood regarding the virus that is currently cutting a devastating swath of destruction across
parts of Africa has evolved from a mild ambivalence to holy shit we’re all
going to die.
Already we’re seeing
reports of schools closing, people being told to stay home from work if they've
been to Dallas recently and lawmakers calling for travel restrictions from
Africa. It’s gotten to the point that
you can hardly even turn on the TV without seeing some new anchor, pundit or
politician exclaiming all the ways that Ebola could affect you. Many of them don’t actually have medical
degrees or any kind of scientific background but that hasn't stopped them from
pontificating at great length about how much more they know than anyone
else.
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| Actual Fox News Screenshot. |
So what are the facts?
It can’t possibly be as bad as everyone says, right? Or are we all on the cusp of some sort of viral
apocalypse? No worries, we here at
Random Crapp have decided to break down the facts for you into easily
digestible pieces, like pizza rolls. In order
to do that, we've enlisted the help of renowned virologist Dr. Doc
McFakey. He recently sat down with us in
the Random Crapp offices. Below is the
transcript.
(tape starts)
Random Crapp (RC):
Dr. McFakey, thank you for taking the time to sit with us. I know your time is valuable.
Dr. McFakey (Doc):
You’re welcome. I’m happy to
answer any questions you might have that could help assuage the concerns of your
readership.
RC: Of course. Dr., tell us.
What is Ebola?
Doc: Ebola, also
known as Ebola hemorrhagic fever, is a disease of humans and other mammals
caused by ebolavirus. Symptoms can include
fever, sore throat, muscle pain, followed by vomiting, diarrhea and decreased function
of the liver and kidneys. People who are
infected may eventually begin to bleed within the body as well as externally
from the eyes, noses and other orifices.
RC: Holy shit. That’s sounds horrible.
Doc: Indeed.
RC: In your
estimation, how long do we have before we all die?
Doc: We’re not all
going to die.
RC: But Doc, we've
seen the news reports. Schools closing,
people being sent home from work, rioting, looting, a wholesale breakdown in
civilization. I think I saw someone
throw a shoe.
Doc: Are you sure you’re
not just watching the Walking Dead? That
just came back on last week.
RC: Pretty sure I saw
it on Fox.
Doc: Well there you
go.
RC: Lets change gears
for a moment. On a scale of one to ten,
one being we’re all going to die and ten being good god there’s zombies eating my
face, how worried should I be?
Doc: Look, I don’t
think you’re listening to me. The
chances of you personally getting Ebola are anywhere from slim to none.
RC: How can you so
sure?
Doc: I don’t know,
maybe because I’m a goddamn doctor. How’s
that?
RC: Ok, alright. So how come we've already got a couple of
cases of Ebola here in the US, smarty pants.
Doc: Ok, try to pay
attention. The only way to catch Ebola
would be to interact with the bodily fluids of someone who is ALREADY showing symptoms
of the disease. The only people who have
contracted Ebola here in the US have been the health care workers who have been
caring for the Liberian man who came here earlier this month. Despite all the protocols, they must have
come into contact with his bodily fluids and have tragically contracted the disease.
RC: So, I probably
won’t get it?
Doc: Do you have any
plans that involve visiting Dallas, Tx, infiltrating the heavily guarded isolation
area and french kissing the nurses who have Ebola, or otherwise exposing any
type of open wounds to their spittle, blood, urine or feces?
RC: I don’t know…
Doc: What…what do you
mean you don’t know? You don’t know if
you’re going to intentionally infect yourself with a deadly disease?
RC: I try to take
life day by day.
Doc: …..what news
organization did you say you worked for again?
RC: Lets move
on. I can see that you’re getting
uncomfortable. Doctor, I have here some
twitter questions from the interwebs concerning Ebola. Perhaps you could answer them for us.
Doc: Ok, fine. Whatever.
RC: Alright, the
first one is…
 |
| Actual tweet. |
Doc: Uh, wow. Um, you know, probably not. I don’t think we have any documented cases of
people passing along ebola through their flatulence.
RC: What if you put
your mouth right up against their anus, like the human centipede?
Doc: Then you’ve got
bigger problems then Ebola, my friend.
RC: Fair enough. Ok, here’s another….
 |
| Again, actual tweet. |
Doc: That’s not even
a question. It’s incredibly racist, but
not a question.
RC: Hmmm, you right
about that, sorry. We didn’t really
screen any of these. To be honest, all
my research in preparation for this interview came from watching Outbreak,
starring Dustin Hoffman.
Doc: Good movie. Didn’t that also have the guy who played
Morpheus? Denzel Washington, right?
RC: Dude that was
Morgan Freeman in Outbreak. And Laurence
Fishbourne played Morpheus.
Doc: Huh, I get them
confused sometimes.
RC: Whoa! Who’s the racist now?
Doc: Hey, now, that’s
not what I meant! I meant I get a lot of
actors confused, that’s all!
RC: Yeah, sure. But speaking of actors, some news reports are estimating that if Kevin Bacon were to somehow get Ebola, the universal law of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon would wipe out mankind in a matter of weeks.
Doc: That's just ridiculous.
RC: Are you sure? Because Kevin Bacon was in Sleepers with Robert DeNiro, who was in Awakenings with Robin Williams, who was in Good Will Hunting with Ben Affleck, who was in Daredevil that featured songs from Evanescence and I've seen them in concert TWICE!
Doc: uhhh.....
Doc: Who the hell is that?!
RC: Oh, shit. It's Loki. I swear, I don't know how he keeps getting in here.
Loki: You will all kneel before me!
RC; We better wrap this up, he's not going anywhere.
Doc: Thank god, this was the stupidest interview I've ever done. Thank you.
RC; Whatever, Dr. Racist McRacist.
Doc: I'm not racist! Some of my best friends are blactors! I mean actors! I mean..shit!
Loki: Quiet, you mewling quim! I need to find my staff. A talking racoon stole it.
RC: Ok, fuck it, we're done here.
(tape ends)
Well, I hope that cleared up any lingering questions any of you might have had about Ebola. So long as you keep yourself away from any buttholes that have been exposed to the virus, you should be fine. But god help us if Kevin Bacon gets sick.
 |
| The man is a national treasure. |
JrX
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