Are Americans Stupid? Yes, probably.

So a new report was recently released by the National ScienceFoundation that shows a surprising number of Americans are ignorant of some of the most basic facts that most of us learn in high school.  Now, I’ll freely admit that while my own intelligence has always been higher than average, years of drinking and partying have certainly dulled my faculties to some degree, so I don’t want you to think I’m throwing stones here.  But the results contained in this report include a survey asking some questions that I’m pretty sure I've heard Dora the Explorer ask my niece and nephew, which instantly makes them smarter than a large chunk of the population. 

Here are a few examples:

Only 84% of Americans believe the center of the earth is hot.  God only knows what the other sixteen percent believe.  They’re probably busy building bunkers to survive the coming invasion of the lizard people from the core of the earth.

"We come for your women!"

74% believe that the earth revolves around the sun.  Holy crap, I’m pretty sure this one was settled around 400 years ago.  Hell, I remember a friend doing a science fair project regarding this very subject when I was in elementary school, which makes him smarter than 26% of the people surveyed.  Quick, look around the room you’re in.  If there are more than four people with you, chances are one of them is retarded. 

Copernicus is not amused.

53% of people think that lasers are made of concentrated sound waves.  Really?  I mean, really?  Perhaps they’re confused because the decepticon known as Soundwave also shoots lasers.  And that’s me being generous.  This report was conducted in 2012 which means that many of the respondents are old enough to have been raised on such scifi classics as Battlestar Gallactica, Star Trek and Flash Gordon.  We grew up with lasers.  A lot of us played laser tag.  This is getting ridiculous.

"Stay in school, dammit!"

Only 39%  believe the universe was began with a huge explosion.  Okay, I’ll give them that one.  We’ll just chalk this up to religious fundamentalism.  It doesn't make it any better but at least I can understand why they believe the opposite. 

At this point, fuck it.  Why not?

Just 53% believe that electrons are smaller than atoms.  Alright, now you’re just fucking with me right?  No one is that dumb.  I mean, we've all seen models of atoms looking like little solar systems since we were kids, and  although it’s an oversimplified view of its basic structure, its always served its purpose well.  We know electrons are smaller, goddammit!  Hell, we even have pictures now!

You remember this, right?  Right?

But I suppose it shouldn't be surprising given that the U.S. is currently rated 17^th in terms of education.  It doesn't help that many of our political and community leaders don’t know the meaning of the word “theory” and equate weather with climate.  Many of them even seem willful in their ignorance, no doubt only hoping to score short term political points to aid themselves in reelection.

From Wikipedia.

All in all, it’s a sad state of affairs we find ourselves in.  Surrounded on all sides by idiots.  Represented in Washington by morons.  And there's more history on the walls of Whataburger than you can learn on the History Channel, which focuses more these days on the possibility of ancient aliens and Hitler and hey, maybe Hitler was an alien.  Why not?

I’m depressed now.  I’m going to find myself a bunker.

JrX

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Sharknado? More like Shark-nodo

(Update:  Apparently I need to put a disclaimer up, because too many people don't know the meaning of satire.  This is a humor site.  Everything you read here is fictional.  You're welcome.)


Sharks.  Ever since Jaws, sharks have been in the public consciousness as the mightiest predator in the seas.  With their sleek form, lighting fast attacks and dead black eyes as soulless as Michael Myers, it’s little wonder that they encapsulate all that’s mysterious and deadly about our planets oceans, 95% of which are still unexplored.  So popular are sharks, that they are the star attractions of Discovery Channels’ yearly Shark Week.  Yes, on the network that gave us Amish Mafia, we still get the occasional science related program. 

"So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks.  And I'm like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex.  And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex?...Because whales are mammals and sharks are animals.  They have nothing to do with each other."-actual quote from Discovery Channel interview.

 Even the Syfy network is getting involved in the shark craze, releasing original films like Sharknado, Ghost Shark and Jersey Shore Shark Attack. 

 

This is real.  And so stupid, Google refused to participate.

With all this interest in sharks, we here at Random Crapp decided to delve deeper into what all the fuss is about.  We contacted noted marine biologist Dr. Stephanie Carter from the University of Texas Marine Science Institute in Port Aransas, Tx.  What follows is a transcript of our interview.

transcript begins

Random Crapp (RC):  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

Dr. Stephanie Carter (Dr.):  Of course.  After all, when the senior editor from Scientific American requests an interview, you don’t say no!

RC:  (clearing throat) Right.  Scientific American.  Where I’m from.  Let’s start, if we can, by you giving your name and occupation, for the record.

Dr.:  My name is Dr. Stephanie Carter.  I’m a marine biologist with the University of Texas Marine Science Institute. 

RC:   And you’re a sharkologist?

Dr.:  Well, technically, I’m an ichthyologist. 

RC:  An icky pologist?

Dr.:  Ichthyologist.

RC:  Wiki dogolist?

Dr.: Icthy-..you know what?  I’m a sharkologist.

RC:  So as a sharkologist, what’s up with this whole Megalodon thing on Discovery Channel?  That thing is huge!

Dr.:  The megalodon was one of the largest predators ever to inhabit the oceans.  Growing anywhere from 45-60 feet in length, think of a very large great white shark.

RC:  Holy crapp.  That’s one big fish!

Dr.: Indeed.

RC:  And what is the scientific community doing to curb the threat of the modern megalodon?

Dr.:  What do you mean?  Modern megalodon?

RC:  As I’m sure you’re aware, there was a recent documentary on the Discovery Channel proving that these creatures still exist.

Dr.:  I can assure you, no megalodons exist today.  They died out millions of years ago, sometime around the time the Discovery Channel lost all credibility. 

RC:  Fair enough.  What about sharknado?

Dr.:  Excuse me?

RC:  On a scale of one to ten, one being no threat, and ten being an invasion of walking sharks armed with advanced aquatic weaponry led by Aquaman, how much danger would you say we are in?

Dr.:  ……

RC:  Dr. Carter?

Dr.:  ….I’m sorry.  That question was so stupid, I think I may actually have died for a few seconds.

RC:  Well, welcome back?

 Dr.:  Thanks.  It was close.

RC:  Back to sharknado…-

Dr.:  I’m sorry, excuse me.  But you said you were from Scientific American?

RC:  Uh, yes, that’s right.

Dr.:  Would you mind showing me some credentials.

RC:  (reaching into my wallet)  Here you go.  My card.

Dr.:  This is a receipt.  For hemorrhoid cream.

RC:  My number is on the back.

Dr.:  Why?

RC:  I’m single, so…you’re kinda cute?

Dr.:  Get out.

Transcript ends

I would like to thank the University of Texas and Dr. Stephanie Carter for their time and for not pressing charges.  I would say this was a complete waste of time, but I managed to sneak a shark skull out of the reception room as I was being escorted out.  So, you know.  Score.

JrX