The Random Crapp Top Ten Whatever I Can Think Of List of 2012

Well, it's the end of the year, and I can't surf the internet without seeing top ten lists on every website from here to Timbuktu.  There's top ten movies, top ten tv shows, top ten political moments, top ten your mama jokes, top ten everything.  Clearly, this is what people want, and in an effort to broaden my readership, I have decided to jump on this particular bandwagon and ride it straight to hell.  So, in random order of course, here are my top ten whatever I can think of for 2012.  Enjoy.

Top President

He's one cool cat.

Now, before any of you start sceaming “affirmative action”, let me just say that I didn't put him as top president because he's black.  Love him or hate him, he is the number one president of America right now.  Also, he got bin laden.  I know that was like a year ago, but he could probably ride that train for a while longer.

Top New Way To Make Grilled Cheese Sandwich

How do I love grilled cheese? Let me count the ways...

Have you seen this?  Its amazing.  You just turn your toaster sideways, and place a piece of toast with a slice of cheese inside,and  voilà!  Easiest grilled cheese you’ll ever have!  Careful though; some toasters have a metal cage that braces the toast when activated.   Sadly, this is the end of your grilled cheese sandwich.  Also, don’t position your sideways toaster anywhere near the edge of the counter, unless you'd like to see your sandwich take flight.

Top Stupid Thing Someone Said To Me

Is it wrong that I think she's sexy?

I was at a corner store that I hadn't been to in a while, getting gas. When I went inside to pay, I asked where the candy was, because I had a hankering for some M&M’s.  The stupid bitch behind the counter said, “We’re all out of m&m’s, but we have plenty of w’s, ha ha.”  I'm not normally a violent man, and maybe I was in a bad mood that day, but goddamn it, I wanted to punch her in her uterus.

Top Blog That I Write

Rock on people.

I feel no shame for listing my own blog.  Random Crapp forever!

Top Quote I Read On The Internet Today

D'oh.

“I never apologize.  I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am”.  Credited to Homer J. Simpson.  Clearly an underrated thinker and a spiritual brother to all stupid people.  Here's to you, Homer Simpson.  You’re a goddamn bro.

Top Pic Someone Sent Me

I want that shirt.

This is for the gangstas in the house. You know who you are. 

Top Stupid Product On TV

Fuck you, Mr. Lid.

So there's this thing running ads on TV for Mr. Lid.  Maybe you've seen it?  It's Tupperware  only with the lid attached.  Ok, nothing wrong with that, right?  Well, at one point in the ad, the announcer claims that they achieved this via a "revolutionary technology".  They don't say what it is, but they display a large cartoon arrow at what is obviously a hinge.  Now, I'll grant them that the hinge may have been revolutionary at some point in history, but I've got to think that as a society we're no longer amazed by such things.  Speaking of which....

Top Invention Ever

All Hail Thermos!

The thermos.  Need I go on?  It's got no buttons.  It's got no dials.  It's got no levers.  And yet it consistently keeps cold things cold, and warm things warm.  How does it do it? How does it know?  What strange magic keeps it working?  Probably invented by the same people who invented the hinge. That, or witchcraft.

Well, that's it.  The Random Crapp Top Ten Whatever I Can Think Of List of 2012. Those of you proficient in numbers will no doubt realize that there are only eight items actually listed.  The reason for that is so that you, loyal reader and fellow Crapper (that's what I call my readers now; deal with it) can finish it with your own top whatevers.  Leave them in the comment section below and remember:  this isn't because I couldn't think of anything else to write.  No sir.

JrX

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I Don't Like the NRA

Ok, I might lose some of you here, but fuck it.  As a general rule, I tend not to engage in the kind of polarizing political arguments that so enflame a certain type of person.  Be it abortion, or prayer in school or whether or not Daryl should die when The Walking Dead returns in February.  But occasionally some nutjob will get himself on TV and say something so stupid in response to something so serious that it just pisses me off.  In this case, it is the NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, giving a press conference (speech) in response to the tragedy at Newtown. 

Here is from his prepared remarks:

“The only way to answer that question is to face up to the truth.

Politicians pass laws for Gun-Free School Zones. They issue press

releases bragging about them. They post signs advertising them.

And in so doing, they tell every insane killer in America that schools

are their safest place to inflict maximum mayhem with minimum risk.”

Fuck you, Wayne LaPierre.

…”We care about our money, so we protect our banks with

armed guards. American airports, office buildings, power plants,

courthouses — even sports stadiums — are all protected by armed

security….Yet when it comes to the most beloved, innocent and vulnerable

members of the American family — our children — we as a society

leave them utterly defenseless, and the monsters and predators of this

world know it and exploit it.”

Because there weren’t 1,092 robberies, burglaries, and larcenies commited at banks in just the first quarter of 2011, of which over nearly half were committed by firearm, explosive or other dangerous weopon.  And because nearly a dozen people weren’t killed at the Empire State building  earlier this year; or at an office building in Minneapolis also this year, among others.  I could give more examples, but go ahead and google them yourself if you want to be depressed.

“And does anybody

really believe that the next Adam Lanza isn't planning his attack on a

school he's already identified at this very moment?”

Keep on spreading fear, Wayne.  Did I tell you to go fuck yourself yet?

”So now, due to a declining willingness to prosecute dangerous

criminals, violent crime is increasing again for the first time in

19 years!”

Not true, but why start telling the truth now, LaDouche?

”And here's another dirty little truth that the media try their best to

conceal: There exists in this country a callous, corrupt and corrupting

shadow industry that sells, and sows, violence against its own people.

Through vicious, violent video games with names like Bulletstorm,

Grand Theft Auto, Mortal Kombat and Splatterhouse. And here’s one:

it’s called Kindergarten Killers. It’s been online for 10 years. How come

my research department could find it and all of yours either couldn’t or

didn’t want anyone to know you had found it?”

All right, I’m not gonna defend Kindergarten Killers.  That games is pretty messed up.  But no one plays that game and goes on a shooting rampage who wasn’t already a ticking time bomb anyway.  That’s the REAL dirty little truth.  People like LaDickhead want you to believe that we read something, or play something, or watch something and because of that we’re going to act out some sick fantasy.  They banned Catcher in the Rye for years because some asshole tried to kill Reagan.  Well, Twilight has been out for years, and Stephanie Meyer is still alive, so explain that one. (No, I’m not advocating the murder of Stephanie Meyer.  Although a good scolding might be in order.  And a writers class).   And if violent video games and movies were really to blame, then Japan would be known for roving bands of killers instead of tenacle porn.  Have you seen some of the fucked up shit coming out of Japan?  Eli Roth thinks he’s a badass, but he’s a choir boy compared to violence exhibited in some of their movies.  And their rate of death by gun is less than 500 a year and going down.  We average about ten thousand.

“…Then there’s the blood-soaked slasher films like "American Psycho"

and "Natural Born Killers" that are aired like propaganda loops on

"Splatterdays" and every day, and a thousand music videos that

portray life as a joke and murder as a way of life. And then they have

the nerve to call it "entertainment….A child growing up in America witnesses 16,000 murders and 200,000

acts of violence by the time he or she reaches the ripe old age of 18."

One of the best arguments for violent entertainment=violent actions, is the supposed correlation between the two.  And indeed, it seems that there is one.  However, anyone who actually went to school would know that correlation does not equal causation.  Hell, I can make some correlations right now:  in the years that the Twilight series has been available, I have been increasingly depressed over the decline in American literature.  Correlation?   Yes.  Causation?  Not so much.

You know what?  I can’t keep quoting this whack job.  I’ll summarize the rest.  In a nutshell, he wants to put armed security in every school in America.  He and people like him would like to see everyone with a gun.  Teachers in schools, the principal, even the janitors, all armed to the teeth with the kind of guns that turn elk into a fine red mist.  Because if everyone has a gun, no one will use them.  Or something.  I usually lose the thread of the argument here. 

Look, I’m not anti gun.  I’m all for the second amendment.  I think amendments are great.  We’ve got like, ten of them right?  All I’m saying is that more guns is not the answer.  And that if guns don’t kill people, people kill people, then violent entertainment doesn’t cause violence, violent people do.  It wasn’t that long ago in our nations history that everyone did have a gun.  But you don’t see Black Bart calling out the Sheriff in front of the old saloon anymore.  You know why?  Gun laws. 

You want a personal handgun? Ok, fine.  You want to go hunting?  No problem.  But don’t tell me you’re gonna do it with the kind of guns that Rambo uses, unless the deer have suddenly started to fire back.  And if that starts happening, I'll load up with you.

Fuck you again, LaPierre.

JrX

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A Very Random Crapp Christmas

Here's a holiday treat for all you good boys and girls.  But not for the bad ones.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We'll wait.
...
Ok, I think they're gone.  For the rest of you, a Christmas poem, in the style of The Night Before Christmas, because apparently the original poem is in the public domain, so there.

The Night Before Christmas Part 2: Die Harder

by Juan Ramirez

Twas the night before Christmas

And all I could think

Was what a stupid holiday,

Life sure did stink.

Last minute shopping was done

And presents were bought,

And everyone seemed to forget

all the times they had fought

The one time of year when

Everyone tried to be good,

I called them all hypocrites,

Well, I did what I could.

Christmas pageants were held

And the baby Jesus was hailed,

But all I could think about

Was where we had failed.

We’re killing our planet

And killing each other,

People go hungry in the streets

One right after another.

All this I was thinking

As I stared out the window, 

When I saw a sleigh in the sky

And a fat little weirdo.

I sprang out to the lawn,

In my pajamas, no less

When he landed in front of me

And began his address,

“I hear you’re depressed”

I heard Santa declare,

“if there’s something on your mind,

Please feel free to share”

I told him I was disillusioned by Christmas

It didn’t make sense,

And I asked him, I pleaded,

“Please make your defense.”

“You’re thinking too large”,

He said with a smile.

“Try thinking smaller,

Just try for a while”

“it’s not about saving the world from itself,

Just start with your neighbors, your friends

And yourself.”

But what about Jesus?

I asked with concern,

Santa said, “You don’t have to believe in him

To grow or to learn.

Just be a good human and forgiveness is earned.”

But what if I’m Jewish or Muslim  or Buddhist?

He said,” what if the moon is made of cheese or

When I go home I’m a nudist?

It really doesn’t matter what faith you subscribe to,

As long as you have it and allow it to guide you.”

I thought for a moment

And it started to click,

And that’s when I realized

I was being a prick. 

I thanked him profusely

For making me hear,

As he climbed back in his sleigh

I think he opened a beer.

“Just be yourself” he said,

“Don’t be a phony”

Then he poured a bit of beer on the ground,

For all of our homies.

And as the sleigh flew away,

I felt my heart grow,

Because he had never given up

On the world down below.

Merry Christmas everyone! (Except for those people I don't like. You know who you are. A big bah humbug for them. .)

JrX

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The Story of Thanksgiving (sort of)

So its thanksgiving again, that special time of year when family gets together to give thanks for, I don't know, football?  Mostly it’s a time to get angry at each other for real or imagined slights from years gone by, and maybe, if you're lucky, see a fully cooked turkey get thrown out the window, flying as gracefully as it never could in life.  Afterwards, pizza.  Ah, memories.

This is going right out the window.

Anyway, since I haven't updated the site in a while, I thought I would give you a special treat: the story of the first thanksgiving.

So it turns out that a few hundred years ago, let’s say, I don’t know, the 1600’s (I don’t do a lot of research  that doesn’t involve Charlie Brown being a sad sack, and Linus being insufferable), a small ship called the Mayflower 3D-Breaking Dawn, set sail from England with a small group of pilgrims, armed only with a pocket full of dreams and buckles for every article of clothing they could think of.  They had decided to leave the tyranny of England for a more tolerant land, where no one would tell them they couldn’t dance if they wanted to.  Nobody puts baby in a corner. 

This has nothing to do with Thanksgiving.

After months of dangerous sailing, they finally arrived in the New World, minus most of their teeth and probably smelling a little ripe.  Man, it must have really stunk back then.  Can you imagine?  Months alone on a ship with a bunch of smelly puritans?  Not the smell I usually associate with freedom, but you can’t argue with results I guess.  Landing at Plymouth Rock TM(all rights reserved), the newly arrived settlers quickly realized that they should have spent less time on funny hats and more time not being dead of disease and famine.  Common rookie mistake.  Luckily for them, however, they were met by a kindly Indian (the casino kind, not the red dot on the forehead kind) named Squanto.  In another stroke of good luck, Squanto spoke English, because that was what the script called for.  Turns out he had been sold into slavery a few years before by an unscrupulous sea captain, but he didn’t hold a grudge, so that’s ok.  Anyway, seeing as how the pilgrims couldn’t make water from ice and that they were starving, Squanto showed them how to farm and cultivate land and just generally not be dead. 

Sqanto, pre-twilight

The pilgrims were so grateful, they decided to have a great feast after their first successful harvest before slaughtering most of the natives and stealing their lands, leaving the rest with a few colorful beads and casinos.  And that’s the story of the first thanksgiving.

You’re welcome.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

JrX

My Interview With The Avengers

By now most of you have seen the avengers and added to its obscenely high global ticket sales.  Based on those sales, I estimate that there are approximately four people left in the world who haven’t seen it yet.  For those of you that have, we have a special treat for you today.  We recently sat down with the avengers for an in depth interview with the worlds mightiest superheroes.  What follows is a transcript of that interview.

Me: Thank you all for coming, I know you have a busy schedule.

Captain America: no prob

Me (whispering to cap): what’s Hawkeye doing here?

Cap (whispering): sorry , he followed us here.

Me (to Hawkeye): say hawkman…

Hawkeye: its Hawkeye.

Me: whatever. Do me a favor? Can you run to the next office? I forgot the tape recorder.

Hawkeye: isn’t that it on the table?

Me: yeah, no, its broken…

Hawkeye: ok, be right back

Leaves

Me (locks door): that should take care of that. So, captain, lets start with you.

Cap: ok, shoot

Me: does it bother you that in a movie full of super heroes in ridiculous outfits, one of whom is completely CGI, you are the only one that looks like a cartoon?

Cap: my agent assured me you wouldn’t bring that up.

Iron Man: you’re the one wearing it , rainbow brite.

Me: no offense iron man, but your constant quips and one liners were fun for a while, but they’re wearing thin…

Iron Man: that’s what she said

Me: ok enough with that!

Hawkeye (through door): guys? The doors locked.

Me: uh…yeah, it’s kinda stuck

Everyone snickers

Iron man: try shooting some arrows at it robin hood!

Me (to iron man): you just don’t stop do you?

Thud, thud, thud…

Thor: be those arrows hitting the door?  Doth he taketh you seriously?

Me: moving along….So, Thor.  What’s up with you and Loki?

Thor: he seeketh recompense for the events of the last movie.

Black widow: what’s recompense?

Thor: ..i beg thou pardon?

Black widow:  recompense.  What is that?

Thor: well, its , uhh..canst thou not infer its meaning from its context?

Black widow: you don’t know do you? Advanced civilization my ass.

Thor: By odins beard, it was in the script! And you’re only here because of thy large breasts!

Me: ok, lets bring this back to topic…

Loki: You are all of you beneath me! I am a god!

Me: who the fuck invited Loki?!

Thor: brother, do I look to be in a gaming mood?!

Loki: You will all kneel befor-

Hulk: hulk smash!

Loki: no wai-ahhhh!

Me: JESUS CHRIST!

Iron man: looks like Loki got godsmacked!

Me: ok one more of those and you’re out of here!

Nick fury: I am sick and tired of these motherfucking asgardians on this motherfucking earth!

Me: who brought nick fury?

Hulk: hulk think he came with loki.

Me: oh…and why aren’t you smashing shit?  Aren’t you, like, rage personified?

Hulk: hulk taking anger management classes…hulk was ordered by court.

Hawkeye: guys? I’m out of arrows…

Me: goddammit you suck!

Cap: take them out of the door dumbass!

Hawkeye: oh, yeah…

Me: alright, this isn’t going well. Lets just get a last word from everyone.

Iron man (counting $50 million): Billionaire…playboy…philanthropist.

Me: I hate you.

Cap: truth, justice and the American way.

Iron man: that’s superman asshole!

Hulk: hulk on step 4 of anger management plan; hulk recognize a power greater than hulk.

Me: like grammar?

Thor:  verily, I boned Natalie portman! it hath been a deleted scene..

Black widow: I have red in my ledger…and I’m Russian I guess.

Loki (painfully):  ….uuuhhhggg…

Nick fury: wheres my motherfucking paycheck?!

Me: well, Id like to thank you all for being here. It was a complete wast of my time. Also, fuck hawkeye.

Tape ends.

You’re welcome.

So I Watched The Avengers...

So The Avengers debuted a couple of weeks ago, and the world had itself a giant collective orgasm resulting in over a billion (sticky) dollars in ticket sales so far.  If you haven’t seen it yet, congratulations, you live in a cave.  Or you’re Amish.  In which case you should get off this infernal machine before the Amish devils gets you, or whatever happens when you stop being Amish.  They probably make you churn butter all day or something, I don’t know.  Anyway, I finally saw it the other day and enjoyed it very much.  However, despite the pleasant surprise of an almost perfect super hero movie, I did have a few quibbles about it.  Nothing that lessens my enjoyment, you understand; but still, a few things that I couldn’t get past.  In no particular order, here are the things I didn’t like about The Avengers:

Pepper Potts

Ok, just for the record, I have nothing against Gwyneth Paltrow.  She’s good looking and, well, that’s all I got.  I don’t mind that she’s the only supporting character from the previous films to appear in The Avengers.  But why doesn’t she wear shoes during any of her scenes? Was that part of the agreement to get her into the film?  Or maybe the film makers spent her shoe budget on Robert Downey Jr’s $50 million payday. In any case, I’m just not a foot guy.  Never have been, never will be.  I don’t date girls that wear flip flops, and it’s the one thing I don’t like about Quentin Tarantino movies.  If anyone is interested, I’m currently accepting donations in advance of the sequel to cover Ms. Paltrows shoe budget.  If we don’t help, who will?

notice how she's wearing shoes

Cpt. Americas Outfit

During the marketing for the Captain America movie, I kept hearing the phrase, “best superhero movie ever”.  I didn’t agree with that at the time, and I don’t agree with it now.  I could name at least five other super hero fims that are in my opinion better.  But I’m not going to open that debate back up.  I will say, however, that his outfit in the film was a whole lot better than in The Avengers.  It was simple, gritty and real. His outfit in the new film was just…cartoon.  Seriously, I just couldn’t watch him on screen and not wince and notice just how shiny his red boots were.  It was Green Lantern all over again. Stupid.

left image=cool; right image=cartoon

The Hulk

First of all, let me say that I think they did a fantastic job with the Hulk.  Best version so far in my opinion.  And the Hulk definitely had all the best fight scenes, especially the ones with Thor and Loki.  Watching Hulk and Thor trade blows was almost worth the ticket price (wish the fight had been longer), and watching Hulk smash Loki around like a rag doll was so awesome it has its own facebookpage.  But why have an entire scene where Hulk goes on a rampage against everyone on that flying ship thingy, and then turn around and have him all of a sudden be able to tell good guys from bad guys during the final battle?  There are moments during the finally fight when he just stands there with the other heroes, not smashing a goddamn thing.  He’s the motherfucking Hulk!  His whole job is to smash anything and everything all the time.  He’s rage incarnate for Christ’s sake!  We’re gonna go ahead and call this one a missed opportunity.

"So, Hulk smash? Or no Smash?"

Hawkeye

Jesus, where do I begin? 

First of all, he has no powers.  No powers, no joining the Avengers.  I mean, that has to be a disqualifier, right?  Where exactly does he fit in?  You’ve got a super soldier, a demigod, a guy with weoponized armor, and another guy who smashes the living shit out of anything that pisses him off.  Hawkeyes has a bow and arrow.  At least Black Widow makes up for her lack of powers by having breasts.  I noticed no such assets on Hawkeye.  Sure, he fires a couple of arrows into some alien skulls, but do you know what his main contribution was during the final battle?  Telling Iron Man to find some tight corners because the aliens couldn’t bank well in their little jet car things.  And what does our “hero” do once he’s run out of arrows?  He heroically jumps through a window and then heroically exits stage left.  The next time we see him, the battles over and he’s standing over Loki with the others, as if he’s been there the entire time.  Guess he had to dash over to the corner store and pick up more arrows. Fuck Hawkeye.

"Seriously? I get a bow and arrow set? That guy has freaking armor, man! ...Fuck."

There were a few other things I didn’t like about the movie, but we’re all in serious danger of me getting bored, so we’re gonna stop here.  I still give the film a solid four and a half stars, but I’m hoping The Dark Knight Rises will be better.  By the way, the preceding paragraphs contain spoilers, soooo….you know, ..you’ve been warned.

March Madness? More like March Madidontlikesportsness.

Football is Americas sport. Baseball is America’s pastime. So what does that make basketball? Not as boring as baseball, maybe? Perhaps. It can be said that there is at least action going on in basketball as opposed to baseball. Seriously, all they do is stand around and spit, with the occasional running around and sliding. Add in a water slide and it’s your standard children’s birthday party. But this isn’t about how mind numbingly boring baseball is. This is about…da da dum..March Madness!

pictured above: the only reason i would watch baseball. Also, boobs.

Yes, March Madness. It happens every year at some point. I’m guessing March, but I’m not a betting man. However, apparently many of you are. It’s estimated that every year, tens of billions of dollars are dropped in illegal wagers. That’s billion. With a “b”. This amount of money attracts seasoned gamblers that religiously follow the games all year, as well as those casual betters who are placing wagers on teams that match their high school colors. Of course there are places to gamble legally, like Las Vegas. But I’m guessing all that money just goes to the Corleone family, so that doesn’t count.

"Gimme some of the phat basketball cash!"

All this excitement starts with the beginning of the college basketball season, when the several thousand college basketball teams engage in a classic battle of man vs. man, good vs. evil and the desire to throw an orange ball through a small netted hoop, without regard to the fact that many of these players will never see the inside of a professional teams locker room, their dreams of stardom dashed by someone else whose speed, hand eye coordination and tactical skill exceeds their own. Also, eye of the tiger probably. The multitude of teams eventually whittles down to just over sixty, in a single elimination tournament called March Madness. Teams like the South Carolina Gamecocks, the Syracuse Orange, the Nebraska Cornhuskers and South Dakota Lemmings will all compete for the top spot. By the way, only one of those teams is made up. Can you guess which? (And what the fuck is a gamecock anyway?)

"Gamecock? That's what she said!"

Once the tournament is on the way, anyone who has even a passing interest in the sport is expected to complete what’s known as a “bracket”. Even Obama fills one out, because if he doesn’t, then he gets attacked by Fox News for not being one of the people. Of course, once Obama fills it out, he gets attacked by Fox News for not taking the presidency seriously. I don’t like Fox News.

"Fuck Fox. I got Bin laden, bitches."

But I digest…I don’t know much about “bracketing” except what I’ve seen on TV. It seems like it’s a lot of lines on a board and you write team names on the lines based on your own system of determining which team is likely to beat another. Now, there are entire websites devoted to complicated systems and statistics and averages and probably magic to figure out the winners, I don’t know. So for some reason people take this very seriously. They spend hours with friends, both real and internet/imaginary, arguing in favor of one team or another, until they proudly present their bracket to the world. And then the comparisons begin. If one more person asks me if I’ve completed my bracket or how is my bracket doing or bracket bracket bracket…I don’t know. I might murder someone. I feel like I could do it. I’ve seen all six seasons of Dexter and I think I’ve picked up some good tips.

"My bracket? Come a little closer..."

Anyway, that’s all I know about March Madness. Considering the fact that I know absolutely nothing about basketball, this was pretty impressive, huh? Come back next time, when we discuss more things I know nothing about, like not murdering people who annoy me with sports talk.

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A Guide to Throwing a Great SuperBowl Party

So here we are again, another football season logged, another Super Bowl to go into the record books. That magical time of year when we can gather in fellowship to celebrate the meeting of the two greatest football teams ever (this year). You don’t have to be a sports fan to appreciate the importance of this event. You may even wish to invite some of your friends over to share this day with you. Well, don’t worry. We have created this guide to help you plan a Super Bowl Party that your friends will talk about all year.

Lets begin.

So, wait. We’re having a party?

Yup. Well, you are. A Super Bowl Party.

I see. Is it important to know anything about football?

It certainly helps, but it’s not necessary.

You don’t know anything about football either, do you?

That doesn’t matter now. Something about pigskins and penalties.

Sounds unhygienic. And somewhat sexy.

Uh..right. Moving on…the first thing you’ll want to do is create an invite list of all the people you would like to see at your party.

You mean, like friends, right?

Yes. I assume you have some? Remember that Dave from customer service doesn’t count.

Not invited.

Totally invited.

Of course I have some. Well, you know, co-workers and such.

(sigh)We can work with that. Let’s keep going. Remember that you want to invite only a select few of your frien- I mean co-workers. This way, it will lend an air of exclusivity to your party.

You had to spell check exclusivity, didn’t you?

Ok, look. If you can’t focus on this, how do you plan to..plan..a party?

Well, first of all, I don’t recall even wanting to throw a party. In fact, I don’t even know how we’re talking right now. Are we two people…or one person… or…what’s going on here exactly.

-……….

-……….Lets just continue.

Ok, now that we have your list made up, let’s move on to party supplies and decorations.

Are we having this at my house?

Do you own a club or any type of event hall?

No.

Well, then. Your house it is.

Unless its this house. Then, no.

Of course.

You’ll definitely want to put up banners of the competing teams or hang streamers bearing the team colors. Try to find paper plates, tablecloths, cups and other decorative items that bear the super bowl logo. They’re a bit more expensive, but money should be no object when it comes to having a great time.

Speaking of money, how am I paying for all of this?

Good question. We haven’t even covered food and beverages yet.

Could we make it BYOB?

No, that’s tacky. Do you still have both of your kidneys?

What?

Nothing. Look, you’re getting ahead of yourself. We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.

You mean “cross” that bridge. Not “burn” it.

Right, right. Although, if this goes as badly as I think it will, there’ll definitely be some burnt bridges. Are you sure you want to invite co-workers? You may never be able to go back to work after this.

That’s ok. They never liked me anyway.

That’s good, because the meat we were going to use for the barbeque wasn’t going to be as fresh as you may have hoped. The key is to go to the grocery store in the early morning hours. That’s when they mark down all the meat they haven’t sold over the last couple of days.

This looks fresh. Bargain fresh.

Sounds like a bargain, but is that safe?

They wouldn’t sell it otherwise. Right?

I’ll eat before the party.

Good idea. And if anyone questions the food, just liquor them up. They’ll think they’re throwing up from the booze.

Anything else?

I don’t know. I lost interest in this a few paragraphs ago.

You’re an inspiration, you know that.

Whatever. Congratulations on completing this guide. May your par-

Wait! Hold on, is that it?

Yeah, it's five in the morning here. I'm done. Good luck!

Fucker.

JrX

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