The Story of Thanksgiving (sort of)

So its thanksgiving again, that special time of year when family gets together to give thanks for, I don't know, football?  Mostly it’s a time to get angry at each other for real or imagined slights from years gone by, and maybe, if you're lucky, see a fully cooked turkey get thrown out the window, flying as gracefully as it never could in life.  Afterwards, pizza.  Ah, memories.

This is going right out the window.

Anyway, since I haven't updated the site in a while, I thought I would give you a special treat: the story of the first thanksgiving.

So it turns out that a few hundred years ago, let’s say, I don’t know, the 1600’s (I don’t do a lot of research  that doesn’t involve Charlie Brown being a sad sack, and Linus being insufferable), a small ship called the Mayflower 3D-Breaking Dawn, set sail from England with a small group of pilgrims, armed only with a pocket full of dreams and buckles for every article of clothing they could think of.  They had decided to leave the tyranny of England for a more tolerant land, where no one would tell them they couldn’t dance if they wanted to.  Nobody puts baby in a corner. 

This has nothing to do with Thanksgiving.

After months of dangerous sailing, they finally arrived in the New World, minus most of their teeth and probably smelling a little ripe.  Man, it must have really stunk back then.  Can you imagine?  Months alone on a ship with a bunch of smelly puritans?  Not the smell I usually associate with freedom, but you can’t argue with results I guess.  Landing at Plymouth Rock TM(all rights reserved), the newly arrived settlers quickly realized that they should have spent less time on funny hats and more time not being dead of disease and famine.  Common rookie mistake.  Luckily for them, however, they were met by a kindly Indian (the casino kind, not the red dot on the forehead kind) named Squanto.  In another stroke of good luck, Squanto spoke English, because that was what the script called for.  Turns out he had been sold into slavery a few years before by an unscrupulous sea captain, but he didn’t hold a grudge, so that’s ok.  Anyway, seeing as how the pilgrims couldn’t make water from ice and that they were starving, Squanto showed them how to farm and cultivate land and just generally not be dead. 

Sqanto, pre-twilight

The pilgrims were so grateful, they decided to have a great feast after their first successful harvest before slaughtering most of the natives and stealing their lands, leaving the rest with a few colorful beads and casinos.  And that’s the story of the first thanksgiving.

You’re welcome.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

JrX