By now most of you have seen the avengers and added to its
obscenely high global ticket sales. Based
on those sales, I estimate that there are approximately four people left in the
world who haven’t seen it yet. For those
of you that have, we have a special treat for you today. We recently sat down with the avengers for an
in depth interview with the worlds mightiest superheroes. What follows is a transcript of that interview.
Me: Thank you all for coming, I know you have a busy
schedule.
Captain America: no prob
Me (whispering to cap): what’s Hawkeye doing here?
Cap (whispering): sorry , he followed us here.
Me (to Hawkeye): say hawkman…
Hawkeye: its Hawkeye.
Me: whatever. Do me a favor? Can you run to the next office?
I forgot the tape recorder.
Hawkeye: isn’t that it on the table?
Me: yeah, no, its broken…
Hawkeye: ok, be right back
Leaves
Me (locks door): that should take care of that. So, captain,
lets start with you.
Cap: ok, shoot
Me: does it bother you that in a movie full of super heroes
in ridiculous outfits, one of whom is completely CGI, you are the only one that
looks like a cartoon?
Cap: my agent assured me you wouldn’t bring that up.
Iron Man: you’re the one wearing it , rainbow brite.
Me: no offense iron man, but your constant quips and one
liners were fun for a while, but they’re wearing thin…
Iron Man: that’s what she said
Me: ok enough with that!
Hawkeye (through door): guys? The doors locked.
Me: uh…yeah, it’s kinda stuck
Everyone snickers
Iron man: try shooting some arrows at it robin hood!
Me (to iron man): you just don’t stop do you?
Thud, thud, thud…
Thor: be those arrows hitting the door? Doth he taketh you seriously?
Me: moving along….So, Thor.
What’s up with you and Loki?
Thor: he seeketh recompense for the events of the last
movie.
Black widow: what’s recompense?
Thor: ..i beg thou pardon?
Black widow:
recompense. What is that?
Thor: well, its , uhh..canst thou not infer its meaning from
its context?
Black widow: you don’t know do you? Advanced civilization my
ass.
Thor: By odins beard, it was in the script! And you’re only
here because of thy large breasts!
Me: ok, lets bring this back to topic…
Loki: You are all of you beneath me! I am a god!
Me: who the fuck invited Loki?!
Thor: brother, do I look to be in a gaming mood?!
Loki: You will all kneel befor-
Hulk: hulk smash!
Loki: no wai-ahhhh!
Me: JESUS CHRIST!
Iron man: looks like Loki got godsmacked!
Me: ok one more of those and you’re out of here!
Nick fury: I am sick and tired of these motherfucking
asgardians on this motherfucking earth!
Me: who brought nick fury?
Hulk: hulk think he came with loki.
Me: oh…and why aren’t you smashing shit? Aren’t you, like, rage personified?
Hulk: hulk taking anger management classes…hulk was ordered
by court.
Hawkeye: guys? I’m out of arrows…
Me: goddammit you suck!
Cap: take them out of the door dumbass!
Hawkeye: oh, yeah…
Me: alright, this isn’t going well. Lets just get a last
word from everyone.
Iron man (counting $50 million): Billionaire…playboy…philanthropist.
Me: I hate you.
Cap: truth, justice and the American way.
Iron man: that’s superman asshole!
Hulk: hulk on step 4 of anger management plan; hulk recognize
a power greater than hulk.
Me: like grammar?
Thor: verily, I boned
Natalie portman! it hath been a deleted scene..
Black widow: I have red in my ledger…and I’m Russian I guess.
Loki (painfully): ….uuuhhhggg…
Nick fury: wheres my motherfucking paycheck?!
Me: well, Id like to thank you all for being here. It was a
complete wast of my time. Also, fuck hawkeye.
Tape ends.
You’re welcome.
