My Interview with The Guardians of the Galaxy

With the $94 million opening of Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel studios continues to dominate our theaters with obscure and little known properties that no one would have guessed would make any money even just ten years ago.  And yet, with the success of Iron Man, Thor and Captain America, Marvel is pretty much daring you at this point to watch a film with a talking raccoon a what looks like a leftover Ent from Lord of the Rings.  But if they're playing a game of chicken, clearly they're winning since audiences and critics continue to fellate the hell out of anything Marvel shits out.  Hell, next we're getting an adaptation of AntMan.  AntMan!  Who the hell even knows who he is?  And the crazy part is, these are really good movies.  The only explanation for their impeccable track record I can think of is that their success was foretold by prophecy and cannot be stopped.

So, then, submitting to the inevitable, I lubed up my asshole and bought a ticket to see Guardians of the Galaxy, ready for it to make me its bitch.  And let me tell you, I got stretched, baby.

Looking back over what I just wrote, I think that maybe that metaphor may have gotten away from me, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying.  Anyway, after watching the film and having my mind appropriately blown, I decided to invite the Guardians of the Galaxy for a group interview here at the Random Crapp offices, much like my interview with the Avengers in 2012.  You'll find the transcript below.  Enjoy.

Me:  Thank you all for being here today, its a great honor to meet you, regardless of the apparent fee.  You know, I don't really think thats standard for interviews...

Rocket Raccoon:  Units up front, you glorified monkey!

Me:  I thought we agreed to pay you after the interview.  In units, was it?

Rocket Raccoon (RR):  Yeah, well, you can suck my unit!

Drax:  I do not understand.  How can he suck a unit?

Me:  Its just a figure of spe...you know what, Drax, we'll get to you later, ok?

Drax:  I am here now!

Star Lord:  Everyone calm down!  Rocket, chill.  Drax, why aren't you reading that book I gave you?  It will save a lot of time.

Me:  Thanks, Star Lord.  Guess I'll start with you.  Wait, what are you doing?

Star Lord:  Uh!..Chicka bow...Oh yea!..what do you mean?....Shimona!..

Me:  Why are you dancing?

Star Lord:  I'm not dancing...uh!!...ooh, yea!!...I'm distracting you.

Me:  I don't underst-hey, give me back my wallet you greasy little rodent!

RR:  I need it for my plan to work!

Me:  What plan?  What the fuck?

Gamora:  I would be more careful with your words, if I were you.  And by the way, your office is filthy.

Me:  Its not that bad.  The rest of it is pretty nice actually, I'll show you later if you want.

Gamora:  Are you trying to seduce me?!

Me:  What?  Dude, you're an alien.  Do you even have a vagina?

Groot:  I am groot!

RR:  Ha!  You said it, pal!

Me:  Ok, stop, this is getting out of hand!

Drax:  There is nothing in my hands!  I keep them free to crush my enemies!

Me:  Oh. My god.  Shut up.  You're the worst character here.

Star Lord:  I haven't seen a debacle like this since those nazis opened the Ark of the Covenant!

Me:  Ok, man, we get it.  You saw a lot of 80's movies before Yondu decided to probe you.

Star Lord:  Alf.  The Cosbys.  Random movie reference that makes fanboys cream themselves.

Loki:  You will all kneel before me!

Me:  Whatthefuck?!  Where the hell did you come from?

RR:  Hey, Loki!  Do me a favor?  I need to borrow your staff for a secret plan.

Gamora:  I am a warrior and assassin!  I don't have time for this!

Me:  You are green with small tits.  Sit down.

Groot:  I am groot!

Me:  Jesus Christ.

Nick Fury:  Why aren't I in this motherfucking  movie?!!

Me:  That's it!  Everyone out!  Fuck it.

(overlapping voices arguing...lots of groots...a few gun blasts)

tape ends.

Well, that went about as well as the last one, which is to say I somehow survived.   You're welcome.

JrX

Don't forget to like us on FaceBook!

So I Watched The Avengers...

So The Avengers debuted a couple of weeks ago, and the world had itself a giant collective orgasm resulting in over a billion (sticky) dollars in ticket sales so far.  If you haven’t seen it yet, congratulations, you live in a cave.  Or you’re Amish.  In which case you should get off this infernal machine before the Amish devils gets you, or whatever happens when you stop being Amish.  They probably make you churn butter all day or something, I don’t know.  Anyway, I finally saw it the other day and enjoyed it very much.  However, despite the pleasant surprise of an almost perfect super hero movie, I did have a few quibbles about it.  Nothing that lessens my enjoyment, you understand; but still, a few things that I couldn’t get past.  In no particular order, here are the things I didn’t like about The Avengers:

Pepper Potts

Ok, just for the record, I have nothing against Gwyneth Paltrow.  She’s good looking and, well, that’s all I got.  I don’t mind that she’s the only supporting character from the previous films to appear in The Avengers.  But why doesn’t she wear shoes during any of her scenes? Was that part of the agreement to get her into the film?  Or maybe the film makers spent her shoe budget on Robert Downey Jr’s $50 million payday. In any case, I’m just not a foot guy.  Never have been, never will be.  I don’t date girls that wear flip flops, and it’s the one thing I don’t like about Quentin Tarantino movies.  If anyone is interested, I’m currently accepting donations in advance of the sequel to cover Ms. Paltrows shoe budget.  If we don’t help, who will?

notice how she's wearing shoes

Cpt. Americas Outfit

During the marketing for the Captain America movie, I kept hearing the phrase, “best superhero movie ever”.  I didn’t agree with that at the time, and I don’t agree with it now.  I could name at least five other super hero fims that are in my opinion better.  But I’m not going to open that debate back up.  I will say, however, that his outfit in the film was a whole lot better than in The Avengers.  It was simple, gritty and real. His outfit in the new film was just…cartoon.  Seriously, I just couldn’t watch him on screen and not wince and notice just how shiny his red boots were.  It was Green Lantern all over again. Stupid.

left image=cool; right image=cartoon

The Hulk

First of all, let me say that I think they did a fantastic job with the Hulk.  Best version so far in my opinion.  And the Hulk definitely had all the best fight scenes, especially the ones with Thor and Loki.  Watching Hulk and Thor trade blows was almost worth the ticket price (wish the fight had been longer), and watching Hulk smash Loki around like a rag doll was so awesome it has its own facebookpage.  But why have an entire scene where Hulk goes on a rampage against everyone on that flying ship thingy, and then turn around and have him all of a sudden be able to tell good guys from bad guys during the final battle?  There are moments during the finally fight when he just stands there with the other heroes, not smashing a goddamn thing.  He’s the motherfucking Hulk!  His whole job is to smash anything and everything all the time.  He’s rage incarnate for Christ’s sake!  We’re gonna go ahead and call this one a missed opportunity.

"So, Hulk smash? Or no Smash?"

Hawkeye

Jesus, where do I begin? 

First of all, he has no powers.  No powers, no joining the Avengers.  I mean, that has to be a disqualifier, right?  Where exactly does he fit in?  You’ve got a super soldier, a demigod, a guy with weoponized armor, and another guy who smashes the living shit out of anything that pisses him off.  Hawkeyes has a bow and arrow.  At least Black Widow makes up for her lack of powers by having breasts.  I noticed no such assets on Hawkeye.  Sure, he fires a couple of arrows into some alien skulls, but do you know what his main contribution was during the final battle?  Telling Iron Man to find some tight corners because the aliens couldn’t bank well in their little jet car things.  And what does our “hero” do once he’s run out of arrows?  He heroically jumps through a window and then heroically exits stage left.  The next time we see him, the battles over and he’s standing over Loki with the others, as if he’s been there the entire time.  Guess he had to dash over to the corner store and pick up more arrows. Fuck Hawkeye.

"Seriously? I get a bow and arrow set? That guy has freaking armor, man! ...Fuck."

There were a few other things I didn’t like about the movie, but we’re all in serious danger of me getting bored, so we’re gonna stop here.  I still give the film a solid four and a half stars, but I’m hoping The Dark Knight Rises will be better.  By the way, the preceding paragraphs contain spoilers, soooo….you know, ..you’ve been warned.