My Interview With The Avengers

By now most of you have seen the avengers and added to its obscenely high global ticket sales.  Based on those sales, I estimate that there are approximately four people left in the world who haven’t seen it yet.  For those of you that have, we have a special treat for you today.  We recently sat down with the avengers for an in depth interview with the worlds mightiest superheroes.  What follows is a transcript of that interview.

Me: Thank you all for coming, I know you have a busy schedule.

Captain America: no prob

Me (whispering to cap): what’s Hawkeye doing here?

Cap (whispering): sorry , he followed us here.

Me (to Hawkeye): say hawkman…

Hawkeye: its Hawkeye.

Me: whatever. Do me a favor? Can you run to the next office? I forgot the tape recorder.

Hawkeye: isn’t that it on the table?

Me: yeah, no, its broken…

Hawkeye: ok, be right back

Leaves

Me (locks door): that should take care of that. So, captain, lets start with you.

Cap: ok, shoot

Me: does it bother you that in a movie full of super heroes in ridiculous outfits, one of whom is completely CGI, you are the only one that looks like a cartoon?

Cap: my agent assured me you wouldn’t bring that up.

Iron Man: you’re the one wearing it , rainbow brite.

Me: no offense iron man, but your constant quips and one liners were fun for a while, but they’re wearing thin…

Iron Man: that’s what she said

Me: ok enough with that!

Hawkeye (through door): guys? The doors locked.

Me: uh…yeah, it’s kinda stuck

Everyone snickers

Iron man: try shooting some arrows at it robin hood!

Me (to iron man): you just don’t stop do you?

Thud, thud, thud…

Thor: be those arrows hitting the door?  Doth he taketh you seriously?

Me: moving along….So, Thor.  What’s up with you and Loki?

Thor: he seeketh recompense for the events of the last movie.

Black widow: what’s recompense?

Thor: ..i beg thou pardon?

Black widow:  recompense.  What is that?

Thor: well, its , uhh..canst thou not infer its meaning from its context?

Black widow: you don’t know do you? Advanced civilization my ass.

Thor: By odins beard, it was in the script! And you’re only here because of thy large breasts!

Me: ok, lets bring this back to topic…

Loki: You are all of you beneath me! I am a god!

Me: who the fuck invited Loki?!

Thor: brother, do I look to be in a gaming mood?!

Loki: You will all kneel befor-

Hulk: hulk smash!

Loki: no wai-ahhhh!

Me: JESUS CHRIST!

Iron man: looks like Loki got godsmacked!

Me: ok one more of those and you’re out of here!

Nick fury: I am sick and tired of these motherfucking asgardians on this motherfucking earth!

Me: who brought nick fury?

Hulk: hulk think he came with loki.

Me: oh…and why aren’t you smashing shit?  Aren’t you, like, rage personified?

Hulk: hulk taking anger management classes…hulk was ordered by court.

Hawkeye: guys? I’m out of arrows…

Me: goddammit you suck!

Cap: take them out of the door dumbass!

Hawkeye: oh, yeah…

Me: alright, this isn’t going well. Lets just get a last word from everyone.

Iron man (counting $50 million): Billionaire…playboy…philanthropist.

Me: I hate you.

Cap: truth, justice and the American way.

Iron man: that’s superman asshole!

Hulk: hulk on step 4 of anger management plan; hulk recognize a power greater than hulk.

Me: like grammar?

Thor:  verily, I boned Natalie portman! it hath been a deleted scene..

Black widow: I have red in my ledger…and I’m Russian I guess.

Loki (painfully):  ….uuuhhhggg…

Nick fury: wheres my motherfucking paycheck?!

Me: well, Id like to thank you all for being here. It was a complete wast of my time. Also, fuck hawkeye.

Tape ends.

You’re welcome.