The Story of Thanksgiving (sort of)

So its thanksgiving again, that special time of year when family gets together to give thanks for, I don't know, football?  Mostly it’s a time to get angry at each other for real or imagined slights from years gone by, and maybe, if you're lucky, see a fully cooked turkey get thrown out the window, flying as gracefully as it never could in life.  Afterwards, pizza.  Ah, memories.

This is going right out the window.

Anyway, since I haven't updated the site in a while, I thought I would give you a special treat: the story of the first thanksgiving.

So it turns out that a few hundred years ago, let’s say, I don’t know, the 1600’s (I don’t do a lot of research  that doesn’t involve Charlie Brown being a sad sack, and Linus being insufferable), a small ship called the Mayflower 3D-Breaking Dawn, set sail from England with a small group of pilgrims, armed only with a pocket full of dreams and buckles for every article of clothing they could think of.  They had decided to leave the tyranny of England for a more tolerant land, where no one would tell them they couldn’t dance if they wanted to.  Nobody puts baby in a corner. 

This has nothing to do with Thanksgiving.

After months of dangerous sailing, they finally arrived in the New World, minus most of their teeth and probably smelling a little ripe.  Man, it must have really stunk back then.  Can you imagine?  Months alone on a ship with a bunch of smelly puritans?  Not the smell I usually associate with freedom, but you can’t argue with results I guess.  Landing at Plymouth Rock TM(all rights reserved), the newly arrived settlers quickly realized that they should have spent less time on funny hats and more time not being dead of disease and famine.  Common rookie mistake.  Luckily for them, however, they were met by a kindly Indian (the casino kind, not the red dot on the forehead kind) named Squanto.  In another stroke of good luck, Squanto spoke English, because that was what the script called for.  Turns out he had been sold into slavery a few years before by an unscrupulous sea captain, but he didn’t hold a grudge, so that’s ok.  Anyway, seeing as how the pilgrims couldn’t make water from ice and that they were starving, Squanto showed them how to farm and cultivate land and just generally not be dead. 

Sqanto, pre-twilight

The pilgrims were so grateful, they decided to have a great feast after their first successful harvest before slaughtering most of the natives and stealing their lands, leaving the rest with a few colorful beads and casinos.  And that’s the story of the first thanksgiving.

You’re welcome.

Don't forget to like us on Facebook!

Happy Thanksgiving!

JrX

My Interview With The Avengers

By now most of you have seen the avengers and added to its obscenely high global ticket sales.  Based on those sales, I estimate that there are approximately four people left in the world who haven’t seen it yet.  For those of you that have, we have a special treat for you today.  We recently sat down with the avengers for an in depth interview with the worlds mightiest superheroes.  What follows is a transcript of that interview.

Me: Thank you all for coming, I know you have a busy schedule.

Captain America: no prob

Me (whispering to cap): what’s Hawkeye doing here?

Cap (whispering): sorry , he followed us here.

Me (to Hawkeye): say hawkman…

Hawkeye: its Hawkeye.

Me: whatever. Do me a favor? Can you run to the next office? I forgot the tape recorder.

Hawkeye: isn’t that it on the table?

Me: yeah, no, its broken…

Hawkeye: ok, be right back

Leaves

Me (locks door): that should take care of that. So, captain, lets start with you.

Cap: ok, shoot

Me: does it bother you that in a movie full of super heroes in ridiculous outfits, one of whom is completely CGI, you are the only one that looks like a cartoon?

Cap: my agent assured me you wouldn’t bring that up.

Iron Man: you’re the one wearing it , rainbow brite.

Me: no offense iron man, but your constant quips and one liners were fun for a while, but they’re wearing thin…

Iron Man: that’s what she said

Me: ok enough with that!

Hawkeye (through door): guys? The doors locked.

Me: uh…yeah, it’s kinda stuck

Everyone snickers

Iron man: try shooting some arrows at it robin hood!

Me (to iron man): you just don’t stop do you?

Thud, thud, thud…

Thor: be those arrows hitting the door?  Doth he taketh you seriously?

Me: moving along….So, Thor.  What’s up with you and Loki?

Thor: he seeketh recompense for the events of the last movie.

Black widow: what’s recompense?

Thor: ..i beg thou pardon?

Black widow:  recompense.  What is that?

Thor: well, its , uhh..canst thou not infer its meaning from its context?

Black widow: you don’t know do you? Advanced civilization my ass.

Thor: By odins beard, it was in the script! And you’re only here because of thy large breasts!

Me: ok, lets bring this back to topic…

Loki: You are all of you beneath me! I am a god!

Me: who the fuck invited Loki?!

Thor: brother, do I look to be in a gaming mood?!

Loki: You will all kneel befor-

Hulk: hulk smash!

Loki: no wai-ahhhh!

Me: JESUS CHRIST!

Iron man: looks like Loki got godsmacked!

Me: ok one more of those and you’re out of here!

Nick fury: I am sick and tired of these motherfucking asgardians on this motherfucking earth!

Me: who brought nick fury?

Hulk: hulk think he came with loki.

Me: oh…and why aren’t you smashing shit?  Aren’t you, like, rage personified?

Hulk: hulk taking anger management classes…hulk was ordered by court.

Hawkeye: guys? I’m out of arrows…

Me: goddammit you suck!

Cap: take them out of the door dumbass!

Hawkeye: oh, yeah…

Me: alright, this isn’t going well. Lets just get a last word from everyone.

Iron man (counting $50 million): Billionaire…playboy…philanthropist.

Me: I hate you.

Cap: truth, justice and the American way.

Iron man: that’s superman asshole!

Hulk: hulk on step 4 of anger management plan; hulk recognize a power greater than hulk.

Me: like grammar?

Thor:  verily, I boned Natalie portman! it hath been a deleted scene..

Black widow: I have red in my ledger…and I’m Russian I guess.

Loki (painfully):  ….uuuhhhggg…

Nick fury: wheres my motherfucking paycheck?!

Me: well, Id like to thank you all for being here. It was a complete wast of my time. Also, fuck hawkeye.

Tape ends.

You’re welcome.

So I Watched The Avengers...

So The Avengers debuted a couple of weeks ago, and the world had itself a giant collective orgasm resulting in over a billion (sticky) dollars in ticket sales so far.  If you haven’t seen it yet, congratulations, you live in a cave.  Or you’re Amish.  In which case you should get off this infernal machine before the Amish devils gets you, or whatever happens when you stop being Amish.  They probably make you churn butter all day or something, I don’t know.  Anyway, I finally saw it the other day and enjoyed it very much.  However, despite the pleasant surprise of an almost perfect super hero movie, I did have a few quibbles about it.  Nothing that lessens my enjoyment, you understand; but still, a few things that I couldn’t get past.  In no particular order, here are the things I didn’t like about The Avengers:

Pepper Potts

Ok, just for the record, I have nothing against Gwyneth Paltrow.  She’s good looking and, well, that’s all I got.  I don’t mind that she’s the only supporting character from the previous films to appear in The Avengers.  But why doesn’t she wear shoes during any of her scenes? Was that part of the agreement to get her into the film?  Or maybe the film makers spent her shoe budget on Robert Downey Jr’s $50 million payday. In any case, I’m just not a foot guy.  Never have been, never will be.  I don’t date girls that wear flip flops, and it’s the one thing I don’t like about Quentin Tarantino movies.  If anyone is interested, I’m currently accepting donations in advance of the sequel to cover Ms. Paltrows shoe budget.  If we don’t help, who will?

notice how she's wearing shoes

Cpt. Americas Outfit

During the marketing for the Captain America movie, I kept hearing the phrase, “best superhero movie ever”.  I didn’t agree with that at the time, and I don’t agree with it now.  I could name at least five other super hero fims that are in my opinion better.  But I’m not going to open that debate back up.  I will say, however, that his outfit in the film was a whole lot better than in The Avengers.  It was simple, gritty and real. His outfit in the new film was just…cartoon.  Seriously, I just couldn’t watch him on screen and not wince and notice just how shiny his red boots were.  It was Green Lantern all over again. Stupid.

left image=cool; right image=cartoon

The Hulk

First of all, let me say that I think they did a fantastic job with the Hulk.  Best version so far in my opinion.  And the Hulk definitely had all the best fight scenes, especially the ones with Thor and Loki.  Watching Hulk and Thor trade blows was almost worth the ticket price (wish the fight had been longer), and watching Hulk smash Loki around like a rag doll was so awesome it has its own facebookpage.  But why have an entire scene where Hulk goes on a rampage against everyone on that flying ship thingy, and then turn around and have him all of a sudden be able to tell good guys from bad guys during the final battle?  There are moments during the finally fight when he just stands there with the other heroes, not smashing a goddamn thing.  He’s the motherfucking Hulk!  His whole job is to smash anything and everything all the time.  He’s rage incarnate for Christ’s sake!  We’re gonna go ahead and call this one a missed opportunity.

"So, Hulk smash? Or no Smash?"

Hawkeye

Jesus, where do I begin? 

First of all, he has no powers.  No powers, no joining the Avengers.  I mean, that has to be a disqualifier, right?  Where exactly does he fit in?  You’ve got a super soldier, a demigod, a guy with weoponized armor, and another guy who smashes the living shit out of anything that pisses him off.  Hawkeyes has a bow and arrow.  At least Black Widow makes up for her lack of powers by having breasts.  I noticed no such assets on Hawkeye.  Sure, he fires a couple of arrows into some alien skulls, but do you know what his main contribution was during the final battle?  Telling Iron Man to find some tight corners because the aliens couldn’t bank well in their little jet car things.  And what does our “hero” do once he’s run out of arrows?  He heroically jumps through a window and then heroically exits stage left.  The next time we see him, the battles over and he’s standing over Loki with the others, as if he’s been there the entire time.  Guess he had to dash over to the corner store and pick up more arrows. Fuck Hawkeye.

"Seriously? I get a bow and arrow set? That guy has freaking armor, man! ...Fuck."

There were a few other things I didn’t like about the movie, but we’re all in serious danger of me getting bored, so we’re gonna stop here.  I still give the film a solid four and a half stars, but I’m hoping The Dark Knight Rises will be better.  By the way, the preceding paragraphs contain spoilers, soooo….you know, ..you’ve been warned.

March Madness? More like March Madidontlikesportsness.

Football is Americas sport. Baseball is America’s pastime. So what does that make basketball? Not as boring as baseball, maybe? Perhaps. It can be said that there is at least action going on in basketball as opposed to baseball. Seriously, all they do is stand around and spit, with the occasional running around and sliding. Add in a water slide and it’s your standard children’s birthday party. But this isn’t about how mind numbingly boring baseball is. This is about…da da dum..March Madness!

pictured above: the only reason i would watch baseball. Also, boobs.

Yes, March Madness. It happens every year at some point. I’m guessing March, but I’m not a betting man. However, apparently many of you are. It’s estimated that every year, tens of billions of dollars are dropped in illegal wagers. That’s billion. With a “b”. This amount of money attracts seasoned gamblers that religiously follow the games all year, as well as those casual betters who are placing wagers on teams that match their high school colors. Of course there are places to gamble legally, like Las Vegas. But I’m guessing all that money just goes to the Corleone family, so that doesn’t count.

"Gimme some of the phat basketball cash!"

All this excitement starts with the beginning of the college basketball season, when the several thousand college basketball teams engage in a classic battle of man vs. man, good vs. evil and the desire to throw an orange ball through a small netted hoop, without regard to the fact that many of these players will never see the inside of a professional teams locker room, their dreams of stardom dashed by someone else whose speed, hand eye coordination and tactical skill exceeds their own. Also, eye of the tiger probably. The multitude of teams eventually whittles down to just over sixty, in a single elimination tournament called March Madness. Teams like the South Carolina Gamecocks, the Syracuse Orange, the Nebraska Cornhuskers and South Dakota Lemmings will all compete for the top spot. By the way, only one of those teams is made up. Can you guess which? (And what the fuck is a gamecock anyway?)

"Gamecock? That's what she said!"

Once the tournament is on the way, anyone who has even a passing interest in the sport is expected to complete what’s known as a “bracket”. Even Obama fills one out, because if he doesn’t, then he gets attacked by Fox News for not being one of the people. Of course, once Obama fills it out, he gets attacked by Fox News for not taking the presidency seriously. I don’t like Fox News.

"Fuck Fox. I got Bin laden, bitches."

But I digest…I don’t know much about “bracketing” except what I’ve seen on TV. It seems like it’s a lot of lines on a board and you write team names on the lines based on your own system of determining which team is likely to beat another. Now, there are entire websites devoted to complicated systems and statistics and averages and probably magic to figure out the winners, I don’t know. So for some reason people take this very seriously. They spend hours with friends, both real and internet/imaginary, arguing in favor of one team or another, until they proudly present their bracket to the world. And then the comparisons begin. If one more person asks me if I’ve completed my bracket or how is my bracket doing or bracket bracket bracket…I don’t know. I might murder someone. I feel like I could do it. I’ve seen all six seasons of Dexter and I think I’ve picked up some good tips.

"My bracket? Come a little closer..."

Anyway, that’s all I know about March Madness. Considering the fact that I know absolutely nothing about basketball, this was pretty impressive, huh? Come back next time, when we discuss more things I know nothing about, like not murdering people who annoy me with sports talk.

Don't forget to like Random Crapp on Facebook!

A Guide to Throwing a Great SuperBowl Party

So here we are again, another football season logged, another Super Bowl to go into the record books. That magical time of year when we can gather in fellowship to celebrate the meeting of the two greatest football teams ever (this year). You don’t have to be a sports fan to appreciate the importance of this event. You may even wish to invite some of your friends over to share this day with you. Well, don’t worry. We have created this guide to help you plan a Super Bowl Party that your friends will talk about all year.

Lets begin.

So, wait. We’re having a party?

Yup. Well, you are. A Super Bowl Party.

I see. Is it important to know anything about football?

It certainly helps, but it’s not necessary.

You don’t know anything about football either, do you?

That doesn’t matter now. Something about pigskins and penalties.

Sounds unhygienic. And somewhat sexy.

Uh..right. Moving on…the first thing you’ll want to do is create an invite list of all the people you would like to see at your party.

You mean, like friends, right?

Yes. I assume you have some? Remember that Dave from customer service doesn’t count.

Not invited.

Totally invited.

Of course I have some. Well, you know, co-workers and such.

(sigh)We can work with that. Let’s keep going. Remember that you want to invite only a select few of your frien- I mean co-workers. This way, it will lend an air of exclusivity to your party.

You had to spell check exclusivity, didn’t you?

Ok, look. If you can’t focus on this, how do you plan to..plan..a party?

Well, first of all, I don’t recall even wanting to throw a party. In fact, I don’t even know how we’re talking right now. Are we two people…or one person… or…what’s going on here exactly.

-……….

-……….Lets just continue.

Ok, now that we have your list made up, let’s move on to party supplies and decorations.

Are we having this at my house?

Do you own a club or any type of event hall?

No.

Well, then. Your house it is.

Unless its this house. Then, no.

Of course.

You’ll definitely want to put up banners of the competing teams or hang streamers bearing the team colors. Try to find paper plates, tablecloths, cups and other decorative items that bear the super bowl logo. They’re a bit more expensive, but money should be no object when it comes to having a great time.

Speaking of money, how am I paying for all of this?

Good question. We haven’t even covered food and beverages yet.

Could we make it BYOB?

No, that’s tacky. Do you still have both of your kidneys?

What?

Nothing. Look, you’re getting ahead of yourself. We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.

You mean “cross” that bridge. Not “burn” it.

Right, right. Although, if this goes as badly as I think it will, there’ll definitely be some burnt bridges. Are you sure you want to invite co-workers? You may never be able to go back to work after this.

That’s ok. They never liked me anyway.

That’s good, because the meat we were going to use for the barbeque wasn’t going to be as fresh as you may have hoped. The key is to go to the grocery store in the early morning hours. That’s when they mark down all the meat they haven’t sold over the last couple of days.

This looks fresh. Bargain fresh.

Sounds like a bargain, but is that safe?

They wouldn’t sell it otherwise. Right?

I’ll eat before the party.

Good idea. And if anyone questions the food, just liquor them up. They’ll think they’re throwing up from the booze.

Anything else?

I don’t know. I lost interest in this a few paragraphs ago.

You’re an inspiration, you know that.

Whatever. Congratulations on completing this guide. May your par-

Wait! Hold on, is that it?

Yeah, it's five in the morning here. I'm done. Good luck!

Fucker.

JrX

Don't forget to like Random Crapp on Facebook!