Adventures In Illness

Winter is almost over, at least in my part of the country, but it looks like I won’t be coming through unscathed.  The cold virus has sunk its claws deep into me, releasing a torrent of mucus and expectorant unprecedented in the annals of Random Crapp.  Time to Google home remedies.

Remedy #1  Drink plenty of fluids

Ok, according to Web-Md the goal here is to drink plenty of fluids, at least 8-10 ounces daily.  This will help keep you hydrated and your throat moist.  No problem.  I work at a bar so I have access to an enormous variety of fluids.  This might be the best home remedy ever.

Result

Bleeegghhh.  That how I spell the act of vomiting.  This home cure didn't work at all and I must have drunk way more than 8-10 ounces of fluid.  Mostly beer, but also plenty of tequila.  I figured that it would cure me from the inside out.  I was wrong. 

Remedy #2  Humidifier

Ok, this one works by inhaling steam to ease your congestion and stuffy nose.  I don’t have a humidifier, but apparently I can achieve the same effect by holding my head over a pot of boiling water and breathe slowly through my nose.  Seems like a lot of work though, so I decided to just sit in my car with the garage door closed and let the exhaust do the work for me.

Result

I am writing this after a state mandated 72 hour observation period has ended.  Apparently there is some concern that I may be a danger to myself.  Also, still sick.

Remedy #3 Nasal Spray

This remedy requires you to irrigate your nasal passages with a saline nasal spray.  If you don’t have a saline nasal spray, don’t worry, you can make your own.  Here’s how:

 Mix 3 teaspoons of iodide-free salt and 1 teaspoon baking soda. Place in an airtight container. Add 1 teaspoon of this mixture to 8 ounces of lukewarm boiled or distilled water. Fill a bulb syringe with this solution Lean your head over a basin, and using the bulb syringe, gently squirt the salt water into your nose. Hold one nostril closed by applying light finger pressure while squirting the salt mixture into the other nostril. Let it drain. Then treat the other nostril.

Result

I used table salt and regular soda because I didn't want to go to the grocery store.  It didn't end well.  Not recommended. 

Conclusion

Alright, so far nothing has worked.  Time to try some more drastic.  We here at Random Crapp have been working on an experimental weapon on contract for DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.  With some of the best minds this country has to offer and a budget of 15 million dollars, we have developed the worlds first functioning shrink ray.  That’s right, suck it Doctor Horrible!

Dammit.

Now to use it to shrink a team of doctors to microscopic size, inject them into my bloodstream and hope they can destroy the cold virus from inside my body.  Using my extensive contacts within the government I've assembled a team of professionals to miniaturize with my shrink ray and battle the cold virus mano a mano

. 
They are:
One brash young doctor with a carefree attitude. 
A brilliant female virologist with everything to prove.
One grizzled old mercenary with a mysterious past.
And one random black guy played by Orlando Jones.

I'm gonna die, aren't I?

Mission Journal 1

I've successfully miniaturized my team of adventures and injected them into my body, although finding them after being shrunk proved to be more difficult than I previously thought. Probably should have planned for that. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family of Orlando Jones. We have high hopes that we'll be able to locate him soon.

Mission Journal 4

Communications with my team have failed. Their last transmission indicated that they had lost their mercenary body guard to rogue antibodies. However, through pure grit and determination the two remaining doctors have figured out how to destroy the cold virus once and for all, and have begun their final assault after a steamy romance session where the young, brilliant and curvaceous Dr. Lady-tits finally learned how to loosen up and live life to the fullest with the help of Dr. Manly and his penis. 

All we can do now is pray.

Mission Journal 9

The mission has failed! I repeat, the mission has failed! After seemingly defeating the last of the cold virus, I was able to re-enlarge my team before they became catastrophically unstable in their miniature form. However, unbeknownst to me and my team, one lone virus cell was able to stow away on the return pad and is now a ten foot tall monster terrorizing my lab. 
If this is my last transmission, tell your wife I love her. I never meant for any of this to happen; I had the best inten--what the fuck?! 
It's here! Barricade the door! Arm yourselves, you fools! Quick, grab the--aaackkk!!!

Ooga booga!

Results

I’m gonna stick with chicken noodle soup from now on.

JrX

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