Ebola And You: We're Not All Going to Die. Probably.

With the emergence of Ebola in the United States, more and more people are becoming concerned about this deadly and often misunderstood virus.  Since its arrival in Dallas, brought by a Liberian man visiting family, the national mood regarding the virus that is currently cutting a devastating swath of destruction across parts of Africa has evolved from a mild ambivalence to holy shit we’re all going to die.  

Already we’re seeing reports of schools closing, people being told to stay home from work if they've been to Dallas recently and lawmakers calling for travel restrictions from Africa.  It’s gotten to the point that you can hardly even turn on the TV without seeing some new anchor, pundit or politician exclaiming all the ways that Ebola could affect you.  Many of them don’t actually have medical degrees or any kind of scientific background but that hasn't stopped them from pontificating at great length about how much more they know than anyone else.  

Actual Fox News Screenshot.

So what are the facts?  It can’t possibly be as bad as everyone says, right?  Or are we all on the cusp of some sort of viral apocalypse?  No worries, we here at Random Crapp have decided to break down the facts for you into easily digestible pieces, like pizza rolls.  In order to do that, we've enlisted the help of renowned virologist Dr. Doc McFakey.  He recently sat down with us in the Random Crapp offices.  Below is the transcript.  

(tape starts)

Random Crapp (RC):  Dr. McFakey, thank you for taking the time to sit with us.  I know your time is valuable.

Dr. McFakey (Doc):  You’re welcome.  I’m happy to answer any questions you might have that could help assuage the concerns of your readership.

RC:  Of course.  Dr., tell us.  What is Ebola?

Doc:  Ebola, also known as Ebola hemorrhagic fever, is a disease of humans and other mammals caused by ebolavirus.  Symptoms can include fever, sore throat, muscle pain, followed by vomiting, diarrhea and decreased function of the liver and kidneys.  People who are infected may eventually begin to bleed within the body as well as externally from the eyes, noses and other orifices.  

RC:  Holy shit.  That’s sounds horrible. 

Doc:  Indeed.

RC:  In your estimation, how long do we have before we all die?

Doc:  We’re not all going to die.

RC:  But Doc, we've seen the news reports.  Schools closing, people being sent home from work, rioting, looting, a wholesale breakdown in civilization.  I think I saw someone throw a shoe.

Doc:  Are you sure you’re not just watching the Walking Dead?  That just came back on last week.

RC:  Pretty sure I saw it on Fox.

Doc:  Well there you go.

RC:  Lets change gears for a moment.  On a scale of one to ten, one being we’re all going to die and ten being good god there’s zombies eating my face, how worried should I be?

Doc:  Look, I don’t think you’re listening to me.  The chances of you personally getting Ebola are anywhere from slim to none.

RC:  How can you so sure? 

Doc:  I don’t know, maybe because I’m a goddamn doctor.  How’s that?

RC:  Ok, alright.  So how come we've already got a couple of cases of Ebola here in the US, smarty pants.

Doc:  Ok, try to pay attention.  The only way to catch Ebola would be to interact with the bodily fluids of someone who is ALREADY showing symptoms of the disease.  The only people who have contracted Ebola here in the US have been the health care workers who have been caring for the Liberian man who came here earlier this month.  Despite all the protocols, they must have come into contact with his bodily fluids and have tragically contracted the disease. 

RC:  So, I probably won’t get it?

Doc:  Do you have any plans that involve visiting Dallas, Tx, infiltrating the heavily guarded isolation area and french kissing the nurses who have Ebola, or otherwise exposing any type of open wounds to their spittle, blood, urine or feces?

RC:  I don’t know…

Doc:  What…what do you mean you don’t know?  You don’t know if you’re going to intentionally infect yourself with a deadly disease?

RC:  I try to take life day by day.

Doc:  …..what news organization did you say you worked for again?

RC:  Lets move on.  I can see that you’re getting uncomfortable.   Doctor, I have here some twitter questions from the interwebs concerning Ebola.  Perhaps you could answer them for us.

Doc:  Ok, fine.  Whatever.

RC:  Alright, the first one is…

Actual tweet.

Doc:  Uh, wow.  Um, you know, probably not.  I don’t think we have any documented cases of people passing along ebola through their flatulence.

RC:  What if you put your mouth right up against their anus, like the human centipede?

Doc:  Then you’ve got bigger problems then Ebola, my friend.

RC:  Fair enough.  Ok, here’s another….

Again, actual tweet.

Doc:  That’s not even a question.  It’s incredibly racist, but not a question.

RC:  Hmmm, you right about that, sorry.  We didn’t really screen any of these.  To be honest, all my research in preparation for this interview came from watching Outbreak, starring Dustin Hoffman.

Doc:  Good movie.  Didn’t that also have the guy who played Morpheus?  Denzel Washington, right?

RC:  Dude that was Morgan Freeman in Outbreak.  And Laurence Fishbourne  played Morpheus.

Doc:  Huh, I get them confused sometimes.

RC:  Whoa!  Who’s the racist now?

Doc:  Hey, now, that’s not what I meant!  I meant I get a lot of actors confused, that’s all!

RC:  Yeah, sure.  But speaking of actors, some news reports are estimating that if Kevin Bacon were to somehow get Ebola, the universal law of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon would wipe out mankind in a matter of weeks.  

Doc:  That's just ridiculous.

RC:  Are you sure? Because Kevin Bacon was in Sleepers with Robert DeNiro, who was in Awakenings with Robin Williams, who was in Good Will Hunting with Ben Affleck, who was in Daredevil that featured songs from Evanescence and I've seen them in concert TWICE!

Doc:  uhhh.....

Loki:  Enough!  I am a god, you dull creature!  

Doc:  Who the hell is that?!

RC:  Oh, shit.  It's Loki.  I swear, I don't know how he keeps getting in here.

Loki:  You will all kneel before me!

RC;  We better wrap this up, he's not going anywhere.

Doc:  Thank god, this was the stupidest interview I've ever done.  Thank you.

RC;  Whatever, Dr. Racist McRacist.

Doc:  I'm not racist!  Some of my best friends are blactors!  I mean actors!  I mean..shit!

Loki:  Quiet, you mewling quim!  I need to find my staff.  A talking racoon stole it.

RC:  Ok, fuck it, we're done here.

(tape ends)

Well, I hope that cleared up any lingering questions any of you might have had about Ebola.  So long as you keep yourself away from any buttholes that have been exposed to the virus, you should be fine.  But god help us if Kevin Bacon gets sick. 

The man is a national treasure.

JrX

Don't forget to like us on FaceBook!

More Random Pics (26pics)

More random pics from the Interwebs, because it's my day off and I don't feel like writing.

Jrx

Like us on FaceBook!

Wages of Win

Some of you may have noticed that there now appears to be ads on the side and bottom of this blog. Those are the result of Google Adsense and me selling out to the man. See, you sign up for Adsense and then Google will place ads on your page that have something to do with the content on your site, using keywords or magic or something, and when someone clicks them, I get money. I think it’s more complicated than that, but I didn't bother reading through all the terms and conditions. Who’s got time for that?

The important thing is that I’m well on my way to becoming independently wealthy. Since I launched this blog on May 19, I currently have a balance of $1.77. Now, admittedly that doesn’t sound like much, but remember, this is just the beginning. Word of mouth is a powerful thing (especially if you haven’t brushed) and I fully expect to be a millionaire by this time next month. What’s left now is to figure out what to do with all that money.

Now there are plenty of things that you can do with a million dollars. You could give it to charity, for example. But all those poor people would probably just spend it on booze and cigarettes, and abortions and whatever else republicans are convinced poor people do with money, which is why they keep all of it for themselves and the oil companies. Or something, I don’t know. I’ve been watching a lot of MSNBC lately.

I could become a philanthropist and use the money to enhance my community. But that’s boring. Besides, my town just got an IMAX Theater and we have two IHops here! Of course I only go to one, because then my friends and I can say, “Let’s go to the good one.”

I could horde the money. After all, they say it’s not how much you make, but how much you save. But where to put it? A regular savings account won’t yield much interest and the stock market fluctuates more wildly than a…um...damn, I had something for this. Doesn’t matter. I could spread it on my bed and roll around on it naked, like a fat, hairy, hispanic Demi Moore, but that’s a last resort (for those of you that know me, try getting that thought out of your head!).

No, there’s only one thing to do with a million dollars: zombie proof my house.

That’s right, I said it. The rapture may not have arrived on schedule, but we all know that the zombie apocalypse is coming. In fact, it may even warrant the capital “Z”. Zombie apocalypse, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombie Apocalypse. Yeah, that’s it.

It such a huge concern, that the CDC, the Centers for Freaking Disease Control, has an entire Emergency Preparedness and Response section on their website. Holy shit! You think FEMA is going to save your ass? They’ll stick us all in a stadium with limited facilities and pretty soon it’s going to be Beyond Thunderdome and a Tina Turner soundtrack in that bitch.

Not for me though. First thing I’m doing is build a moat. Fuck the neighbors. Maybe put some alligators in there or something. Reinforce the walls, put up steel shutters, a crow’s nest for sniping, you get the idea. Bulk up on supplies like food, water, ammunition and porn. Can’t discount the importance of a good porn stash, for when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, no more internet shall there be. Any leftover funds will be converted to items that can be easily bartered. Like gold, or medicine or porn.

So keep clicking on those ads, Inconstant Reader. I'm getting an estimate on a drawbridge next week.

JrX

So we survived the apocalypse.

I assume that the apocalypse came and went and that the reason I received no mail today was that our postman was raptured away. So if your reading this, then the lord our god has seen fit not to rapture you, and instead chose to let you suffer through the trials and tribulations of the end times. Sucks, huh?

I suppose then that certain precautions must be made against the inevitable end. First things first. Supplies. Need food and water to sustain myself until the hell spawn comes to collect me. Never know how long that will take, as they’re notoriously unreliable. They were scheduled to take Carrot Top ages ago and that fucker’s still around. Should have sent in Seal Team Six. Oh well. Back to supplies.

Let’s see. Open fridge, what’ve we got? Soda, purple stuff…aw Sunny D! Aw right! That should last a day or two. Ok, now food. Hmmm….half a pack of bologna, some cheese, country crock spread, open pack of hotdogs (probably no good anymore), and a lone carrot (good for the eyes!). Ok, I can work with that.

What else? Weapons? Not really. I’ve got a old back scratcher that’ll probably give a splinter to the first demon I see who can’t reach that area behind the back, you know, between the shoulder blades? Doesn’t that suck? I mean, sometimes I just gotta start rubbing up against a wall or a tree like a goddamn bear, and it feels so good you forget where you are, and when you open your eyes again everyone in the bank is looking at you like you’re a freak. Fuck em.

Well, my search for provisions didn’t yield much. Not much else to do but sit quietly and contemplate all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Like the hole in my roof I made last night in case I got raptured. Yes, I can see the mistake there. Easy access for demons. But I can fix that. A little duct tape and….

…a knock at the door. I never realized that demons would be so polite.

Ok, I can do this with dignity.

Huh. Standing outside my door is a young lady wearing a Reliant Energy t-shirt. Cleary disturbed, she haltingly begins to ask me if I’m happy with my electric provider. Poor child. Obviously she hasn’t yet come to terms with what has happened. Clinging to the last vestiges of her former life and the security of routine, she stands before me shuddering and fearful. That’s when I realize I’m naked.

Ok, I can explain that.

See, when I thought I might be raptured, I thought, “Who needs clothes in the heavenly domain?”. I mean , God has seen me au natural, so why burden myself with the trappings of this earthly realm? Maybe should have reconsidered. Oh well.

Turning back to the young lady at the door I attempt to comfort her. I reach out to place my arm around her shoulders and invite her into my house for safety. Obviously still traumatized by recent events, she begins to struggle against me. I may have to knock her out and drag her in. For her safety.

There’s a rock on the ground, that should do nicel- ow!

Crazy girl kicked my shin! Now she’s running away screaming about cops. Denial is an ugly thing.

“I hope the hellspawn catch up with you, you crazy bitch!” I scream after her.

Well, back to waiting for the end…

1 hour later..

Another knock on my door. It’s the police. Good news is that the world didn’t end. That’s a relief. I already ate the bologna and drank the Sunny D. Bad news is I’m being arrested. Something about sexual assault and attempted kidnapping. Clearly a misunderstanding, I’m sure we can clear this up in no time.

Anyone know a reliable roofer?

JrX