Strange Faces: Part 13

Part 13

“Ok, here comes the pain, “ proclaimed my twin.  In his hand he brandished the ultimate weapon.  My brother was right.  There could be nothing worse.

Holding a book above his head, he said, “I shall now read select passages from Twilight until you come out of the circle.”

My brother yelled out, “I freaking told you so!”

“Everybody shut up!”, I said.  “No one is reading anything.”

“I’m ready to come out.”

My twin looked at me with satisfaction.  “I’m glad you've finally seen reason.  Come to me.”

“Just, give me a minute, OK?”

Granting my request, he stepped back while I turned to my friend and brother.

“Well, Sancho, if this doesn't work out, I want you to know you've been a good friend.  Make sure you hide the porn on my computer.”

“No problem, bro.  Good luck.”  He dropped his head and turned away.  I’m gonna assume he cried.

“Buster,” I called to my brother.  “We always knew it would end up this way.”

“Going out fighting some sort of trans dimensional doppelganger?”, he replied.  “Yeah, I figured.  I’m not worried though.  I’m pretty sure you got this.”

Pleasantly surprised by my brothers confidence in me, I took a deep breath and exited the circle.

“All right, you really want to join with me?  Lets just see who comes out on top!”  I stepped toward him with my arms out, ready to do…whatever.  I really had no idea how this would turn out.  All I knew was that whatever this joining was, I had to dominate.

“Wait!” my nemesis cried. 

“Jesus!  What now?” I said.

“You seem oddly confident.  More so than before”, he said, eyeing me cautiously. 

“So what,” I responded.  “Aren't you supposed to be the superior part of me?  What are you worried about?”

“Oh, I am.  Don’t worry about that,” he replied.  “But I don’t think I want to take any chances.”

Now it was my turn to be suspicious.  “What are you saying?”

“Oh, I’m just thinking I don’t really need you at all.”  And with that he lunged for me with a speed that I would not have thought possible considering his size.  Bringing my face close to his, he whispered, “I think I can live without you.”

Swinging me around, he tossed me like a rag doll directly toward my grandmothers mirror, still leaning against the tree.  Tripping on an exposed root, I crashed directly into it.

But crashed is the wrong word.  It felt more like being sucked in, a mini black hole, the laws of physics being suspended unwillingly.  I wish I could have seen it from the perspective of my friends.  As it was, it was as if I was falling forever.  And then nothing.

 JrX

Sharknado? More like Shark-nodo

(Update:  Apparently I need to put a disclaimer up, because too many people don't know the meaning of satire.  This is a humor site.  Everything you read here is fictional.  You're welcome.)


Sharks.  Ever since Jaws, sharks have been in the public consciousness as the mightiest predator in the seas.  With their sleek form, lighting fast attacks and dead black eyes as soulless as Michael Myers, it’s little wonder that they encapsulate all that’s mysterious and deadly about our planets oceans, 95% of which are still unexplored.  So popular are sharks, that they are the star attractions of Discovery Channels’ yearly Shark Week.  Yes, on the network that gave us Amish Mafia, we still get the occasional science related program. 

"So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks.  And I'm like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex.  And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex?...Because whales are mammals and sharks are animals.  They have nothing to do with each other."-actual quote from Discovery Channel interview.

 Even the Syfy network is getting involved in the shark craze, releasing original films like Sharknado, Ghost Shark and Jersey Shore Shark Attack. 

 

This is real.  And so stupid, Google refused to participate.

With all this interest in sharks, we here at Random Crapp decided to delve deeper into what all the fuss is about.  We contacted noted marine biologist Dr. Stephanie Carter from the University of Texas Marine Science Institute in Port Aransas, Tx.  What follows is a transcript of our interview.

transcript begins

Random Crapp (RC):  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

Dr. Stephanie Carter (Dr.):  Of course.  After all, when the senior editor from Scientific American requests an interview, you don’t say no!

RC:  (clearing throat) Right.  Scientific American.  Where I’m from.  Let’s start, if we can, by you giving your name and occupation, for the record.

Dr.:  My name is Dr. Stephanie Carter.  I’m a marine biologist with the University of Texas Marine Science Institute. 

RC:   And you’re a sharkologist?

Dr.:  Well, technically, I’m an ichthyologist. 

RC:  An icky pologist?

Dr.:  Ichthyologist.

RC:  Wiki dogolist?

Dr.: Icthy-..you know what?  I’m a sharkologist.

RC:  So as a sharkologist, what’s up with this whole Megalodon thing on Discovery Channel?  That thing is huge!

Dr.:  The megalodon was one of the largest predators ever to inhabit the oceans.  Growing anywhere from 45-60 feet in length, think of a very large great white shark.

RC:  Holy crapp.  That’s one big fish!

Dr.: Indeed.

RC:  And what is the scientific community doing to curb the threat of the modern megalodon?

Dr.:  What do you mean?  Modern megalodon?

RC:  As I’m sure you’re aware, there was a recent documentary on the Discovery Channel proving that these creatures still exist.

Dr.:  I can assure you, no megalodons exist today.  They died out millions of years ago, sometime around the time the Discovery Channel lost all credibility. 

RC:  Fair enough.  What about sharknado?

Dr.:  Excuse me?

RC:  On a scale of one to ten, one being no threat, and ten being an invasion of walking sharks armed with advanced aquatic weaponry led by Aquaman, how much danger would you say we are in?

Dr.:  ……

RC:  Dr. Carter?

Dr.:  ….I’m sorry.  That question was so stupid, I think I may actually have died for a few seconds.

RC:  Well, welcome back?

 Dr.:  Thanks.  It was close.

RC:  Back to sharknado…-

Dr.:  I’m sorry, excuse me.  But you said you were from Scientific American?

RC:  Uh, yes, that’s right.

Dr.:  Would you mind showing me some credentials.

RC:  (reaching into my wallet)  Here you go.  My card.

Dr.:  This is a receipt.  For hemorrhoid cream.

RC:  My number is on the back.

Dr.:  Why?

RC:  I’m single, so…you’re kinda cute?

Dr.:  Get out.

Transcript ends

I would like to thank the University of Texas and Dr. Stephanie Carter for their time and for not pressing charges.  I would say this was a complete waste of time, but I managed to sneak a shark skull out of the reception room as I was being escorted out.  So, you know.  Score.

JrX