Random Crapp 2015 Year in Review

Looks like 2015 is almost over and it was a hell of a year, amirite?  With so much that happened this year, we decided to look back and share some of what we thought were the best moments of 2015.  From Donald Trump to Pluto and beyond, here is, in no particular order, your year in review.

                                                

Alaska becomes the latest state to legalize the possession and use of marijuana.  This move from our nation's northern most state allows Alaskan citizens to finally have something to do other than check their shoes for moose poop.  

The New York Times reports that Hilary Clinton, current democratic candidate for president, was using her personal email for official business, sparking yet another republican led series of hearings determined to find some sort of “smoking gun” that could possibly derail Clintons candidacy.  So far the “email-gate” investigations have turned up nothing more sinister than Bill Clintons subscription to Penis Enlargement Online, the webs most viewed penis enlargement site.

Bruce Jenner publicly declares himself to be a woman and takes the name Catilyn Jenner.  Interviews and awards for the former olympian follow as well as an increased awareness for transgender rights.  This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are homophobic and/or bigots.  You don’t have to look for them.  They’ll make themselves known.

A whole shitload of unarmed black people were shot and killed by white police officers, leading to protests around the nation.  Many of the instances were punctuated by either attempted cover ups by the officers or outright lying on official reports despite video evidence in some cases clearly presenting the truth.  This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are racist and/or republican.

So far in 2015, we’ve had more mass shootings than days.  It’s okay though, because unless the shooters were brown it was probably just an isolated incident. Every. Single. Time.  This is depressing but it provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are islamophobic and/or insane.  

In a landmark ruling, the supreme court voted 5-4 in favor of same sex marriage.  Republicans and ultra conservatives nationwide have collectively decided that despite the ruling, they’re no longer baking wedding cakes for the gays.  Or something.  This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify if you have any friends left on Facebook at all.

Nasa’s New Horizon spacecraft completed its first ever flyby of Pluto, giving researchers an up close look at the former planet. Images from the probe have yet to confirm the existence of the Old Gods, but scientists and occultists alike are confident that as the images continue to come in new and exciting discoveries will reveal themselves, although it may be important to note that they’re excited for completely different reasons.

Speaking of the supernatural, republican candidate and part time oompa loompa impersonator Donald Trump somehow continues to lead in the polls for the republican nomination.  We’ll be the first to admit that his candidacy was funny at first, but now it’s just getting scary.  It seems as though nothing is too crazy for Trump supporters, as every time he says something objectionable more people flock to his camp.  Whether it is saying that Mexican immigrants are rapists or that we should have a national database of Muslims, we can only assume at this point that his rise in the polls is foretold by prophecy and cannot be stopped.  

Now, I know what you're thinking. This has been an up and down kind of year. But before you make any judgments, know that this also happened in 2015.

So it wasn't all bad.

Jrx

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Strange Faces: Part 3

(read part one here, and part two here. or, if your mouse is working, just scroll down)

*ring ring*

Hello?

Hey, it’s me. Whatcha doing?

Just getting off of work. You?

Oh, you know. The usual.

Getting high?

No...Well, a little.

Yeah, whatever.  You know you should stop that shit.  It makes you paranoid.

Yeah, speaking of paranoid, I might have a little situation here.  I might need your help.

If you shit yourself, I'm not coming.

Actually, -and go fuck yourself, by the way-, actually, some weird shit is going down at my house.  I’m not sure but it may have been built on an old Indian burial ground.

Have you been seeing old Indians?

….no...

Is there a little blonde girl sitting in front of your TV telling you that “they’re here”

…nooo….

Well then, what’s the problem?

(taking a deep breath) My reflection crawled out of my bathroom mirror, attacked me, crawled back into my mirror, and now I have no reflection. 

I see. And what kind of weed have you been smoking again?

Doesn't matter.  Remember all those times we talked about how, if the world ever needed a hero, you would totally be my sidekick?  Well, I think this is it.

I'm pretty sure we never talked about any of that.  What’s that tapping noise I keep hearing?

I'm typing all this down.

What for?

Future generations will want to know how this all went down.  How it started, who was involved, you know.

Wait, I don’t want to be involved in your drug fantasies, Ok?  Leave me out.

Too late. 

(Sighs) Alright, But change my name.

How about Scooter?  I've always wanted a friend called Scooter.

Fuck that.  Give me a cool name. Like Max Power, or something.

Sancho?

What? No, not Sancho.

Too late.  So listen, Sancho, how soon can you get here?

Don’t call me Sancho. 

Just get over here, Sancho.  Bring me some mountain dew.

*hangs up*

Most of us live our lives with blinders on, focusing only on what’s in front of us.  We create our own little world around us.  In our little piece of the world, only what’s in it is real.  The lady on the phone at customer service is just a voice.  Whether we’re rude to her or not doesn't really matter, because we don’t really conceive of her as an actual person.  This isn't because we’re mean or prideful or narcissistic, it’s a defence mechanism.  As human beings, we’re simply not equipped to handle that much stimulus.  Tragic events will occur halfway around the world, and unless you’re George Clooney or Angelina Jolie, it barely registers on our radar. 

Handsome or not, you were a terrible Batman.

Occasionally, however, you will see something or hear something that will bring the entire world into focus and you start to notice things you've never noticed before, no matter how long they've been there.  The first time, as a child, that you see your schoolteacher shopping at the grocery store.  It’s a startling feeling, a shock.  Yes, of course she’s a real person.  But now you know that’s she’s a REAL person, just like you.  Before she was just The Woman Who Teaches.  Now she’s Cindy, mom's  new friend, and she talks and jokes and eats grocery store samples just like you do.  You begin to wonder what else you’re missing, but then you get distracted by a vending machine and your world goes back to its normal size, plus one more person.  Heading out the door, you bump shoulders with a random person and grunt an apology, but it’s Ok  He’s not real like Cindy is.

Just blew your mind.

We all have moments like that, and as I look into the mirror again and notice all the things it reflects that I never noticed before because I was always concentrating on how awesome I looked, the me shaped hole where my reflection should be was all the more disconcerting.  If I wasn't already in the bathroom, I might have shit myself after all. 

JrX

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