My Interview with The Guardians of the Galaxy

With the $94 million opening of Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel studios continues to dominate our theaters with obscure and little known properties that no one would have guessed would make any money even just ten years ago.  And yet, with the success of Iron Man, Thor and Captain America, Marvel is pretty much daring you at this point to watch a film with a talking raccoon a what looks like a leftover Ent from Lord of the Rings.  But if they're playing a game of chicken, clearly they're winning since audiences and critics continue to fellate the hell out of anything Marvel shits out.  Hell, next we're getting an adaptation of AntMan.  AntMan!  Who the hell even knows who he is?  And the crazy part is, these are really good movies.  The only explanation for their impeccable track record I can think of is that their success was foretold by prophecy and cannot be stopped.

So, then, submitting to the inevitable, I lubed up my asshole and bought a ticket to see Guardians of the Galaxy, ready for it to make me its bitch.  And let me tell you, I got stretched, baby.

Looking back over what I just wrote, I think that maybe that metaphor may have gotten away from me, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying.  Anyway, after watching the film and having my mind appropriately blown, I decided to invite the Guardians of the Galaxy for a group interview here at the Random Crapp offices, much like my interview with the Avengers in 2012.  You'll find the transcript below.  Enjoy.

Me:  Thank you all for being here today, its a great honor to meet you, regardless of the apparent fee.  You know, I don't really think thats standard for interviews...

Rocket Raccoon:  Units up front, you glorified monkey!

Me:  I thought we agreed to pay you after the interview.  In units, was it?

Rocket Raccoon (RR):  Yeah, well, you can suck my unit!

Drax:  I do not understand.  How can he suck a unit?

Me:  Its just a figure of spe...you know what, Drax, we'll get to you later, ok?

Drax:  I am here now!

Star Lord:  Everyone calm down!  Rocket, chill.  Drax, why aren't you reading that book I gave you?  It will save a lot of time.

Me:  Thanks, Star Lord.  Guess I'll start with you.  Wait, what are you doing?

Star Lord:  Uh!..Chicka bow...Oh yea!..what do you mean?....Shimona!..

Me:  Why are you dancing?

Star Lord:  I'm not dancing...uh!!...ooh, yea!!...I'm distracting you.

Me:  I don't underst-hey, give me back my wallet you greasy little rodent!

RR:  I need it for my plan to work!

Me:  What plan?  What the fuck?

Gamora:  I would be more careful with your words, if I were you.  And by the way, your office is filthy.

Me:  Its not that bad.  The rest of it is pretty nice actually, I'll show you later if you want.

Gamora:  Are you trying to seduce me?!

Me:  What?  Dude, you're an alien.  Do you even have a vagina?

Groot:  I am groot!

RR:  Ha!  You said it, pal!

Me:  Ok, stop, this is getting out of hand!

Drax:  There is nothing in my hands!  I keep them free to crush my enemies!

Me:  Oh. My god.  Shut up.  You're the worst character here.

Star Lord:  I haven't seen a debacle like this since those nazis opened the Ark of the Covenant!

Me:  Ok, man, we get it.  You saw a lot of 80's movies before Yondu decided to probe you.

Star Lord:  Alf.  The Cosbys.  Random movie reference that makes fanboys cream themselves.

Loki:  You will all kneel before me!

Me:  Whatthefuck?!  Where the hell did you come from?

RR:  Hey, Loki!  Do me a favor?  I need to borrow your staff for a secret plan.

Gamora:  I am a warrior and assassin!  I don't have time for this!

Me:  You are green with small tits.  Sit down.

Groot:  I am groot!

Me:  Jesus Christ.

Nick Fury:  Why aren't I in this motherfucking  movie?!!

Me:  That's it!  Everyone out!  Fuck it.

(overlapping voices arguing...lots of groots...a few gun blasts)

tape ends.

Well, that went about as well as the last one, which is to say I somehow survived.   You're welcome.

JrX

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