Random Crapp Diet Tips, 2014 Edition

As summer approaches and the days get warmer, its time to start thinking about getting your flabby winter body into swimsuit model mode.  Whether you’re just trying to lose a few pounds or attempting to excise the equivalent of an entire human being made of fat from your belly, it’s time you start thinking about going on a diet.  But what if you’re not sure you can stick to a diet?  After all, your new years resolution to lose weight dissipated like a fart in the breeze.  Well, have no fears.  Your good friends here at Random Crapp have got you covered with a few surefire ways to shed pounds fast!

(Editors note:  This is a humor website.  At no time are we actually suggesting you utilize any of these options.  This is meant as satire.  Don’t be stupid.)

Follow me to beauty!

Bulimia.

Not to be confused with anorexia, in which a person has a fear that they are overweight even when they are in fact underweight.  People with anorexia have an intense fear of weight gain and, not to disparage anyone currently struggling with anorexia, lets face it;  if you really had a fear of weight gain, you wouldn't be stuffing $20 steaks down your gullet like you were a goddamn pelican.  

I know I have anorexia because every time I look in the mirror I see a fat person.

No, bulimia is a far more elegant solution to weight loss that involves purging your body of food immediately after eating via vomiting, taking a laxative, diuretic, or stimulant.  Yes, with bulimia you can literally shit yourself to looking beautiful! 

Warning:  Adverse side effects may include but are not limited to:  potassium loss and health deterioration, with depressive symptoms that are often severe and lead to a high risk of suicide.  Good luck!

Diet pills/drugs

Unless someone has painstakingly copied this by hand to a public restroom wall, chances are you’re reading this on the inter-webs.  If that’s the case then you've no doubt come across your fair share of online advertisements for a wide variety of diet pills offering everything from a promise to lose a few extra  pounds of unsightly belly fat,  to shakes and supplements designed to turn that fat into lightly tanned muscle somehow, possibly by magic, we’re not sure.  But with all those options, how are supposed to chose the right one for you?  Answer:  meth.  Wait, what?  You don’t do drugs?  Tell me this.  Have you ever seen a fat drug addict?  Yeah, I didn't think so. 

Warning:  In addition to fat, you may also lose:  teeth, hair, appetite, skin color, memory,  and, eventually, vital signs.  Worth it!

Parasites

Ok, stay with me on this one.

There are actually unconfirmed rumors of diet pills sold in the 1950’s that contained tapeworms as a way to lose weight.  As long as you don’t mind a little cysticercosis, possible blindness, brain damage and even death in extreme cases.  And trust me, you don’t even want to know what cysticercosis is.  But hey, all that matters is you look good, right? 

I want to be inside you...

Right?

See you at the beach!!

 (Do not attempt any of these solutions, seriously, this is a joke.  It pains me that I have to put up this disclaimer.  This is why we can't have nice things.  I just absolutely know that one of you idiots is going to email me asking if you should really try this.  Don't.  Put the internet down and return to your room, the nice people in white coats should be along any minute with your medication.)

Jrx

Don't forget to like us on FaceBook!

Strange Faces: Part 2

(read part one here; or just scroll down, don't be lazy.)

“Now listen carefully” he said.

Is that what my voice sounded like?  People had always told me that I had a voice made for radio, but I never really believed it.  Listening now to the silky sounds coming out of my doppelgängers  throat made me think a new career path had just opened up.  

They could call me the Wolfman, I thought.

“Pay attention!”, Mirror Me shouted. 

Shit, I almost forgot he was there.  I should probably describe what I was seeing at this point.  He was more than just my double.  Of course he looked just like me, right down to the Marilyn Monroe mole on my cheek.  Being from what I assume was an alternate dimension, he also had that evil twin goatee, like Mr. Spock had on that one episode of Star Trek. 

Making the  goatee sexy since the 23rd century.

 Then I remembered that I also had a goatee and it kind of sucked the fun right out of the horror.  But after a moment, I realized that the similarities were only superficial.  What came out of the mirror was an exact copy of me in every way.  What was standing before me now was changing in oh so subtle ways.  As I watched, pounds began to melt off of him.  Where I could be described as a bit, cough cough, heavy, my twin was slowly reaching my ideal weight, a thousand Hollywood diets screaming in protest.  The small scar on my hand from a childhood accident was slowly fading away.  Even his hair was changing style, split down the middle in a way that didn't make him look like a complete douche. Bastard.

No longer needed.

“I am the you that you always wanted to be”, he said. “I am you without the fear, without the anxiety and depression you keep hidden from even your own family.  I am the mask of confidence you slip on every day as you look into the mirror, steeling yourself for another endless day of false smiles and forced friendships because you can’t for a moment conceive of anyone accepting you for who you really are.  What I really am.”

Keep talking, asshole. Not that I wasn't listening.  I heard every word; I just didn't think that this was a good time for self-discovery.  There were other, more pressing problems to confront.  Escape came to mind. 

“I am th-gahhh!”  

That last was my attempt at making dick hamburger with his crotch.  Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for me, my position falling backward into the tub left my legs elevated to perfect crotch level.  The bathroom, as small as it is (I think its cozy), had him standing well within reach for a size twelve dick kicking.  Taking the opportunity I created, I scrambled out of the tub, leaving him writhing in what I can only hope was excruciating pain, and headed for the living room.

I need a weapon, I thought. Think.

Get me my boomstick.

Standing in the living room, I began to take a quick inventory of its contents, hoping to see something that I could use to bludgeon an inter-dimensional doppelgänger.  You don’t see tools for that at Sears, you know.  Although it would probably be made by Craftsman.

Ok, lets see.  TV remote. No, its fragile; just looking at it wrong causes the batteries to fall out.  Ok, next.  Laptop sitting on my coffee table.  No, no.  Kill me, but don’t take away my internet.  Day old French fries next to laptop.  Maybe I could feed them to him.  No, wait! Got it!

Rushing back into the bathroom, I brandished my chosen weapon as the knights of old would brandish their swords. 

Holding my back-scratcher ready, I said, “All right motherfucker, get ready for the worst scratching of your life!”  Alright, the knight I was thinking of may have been Don Quixote.  Sue me.

From Bruce Campbell to this fucking guy.  Things aren't going well.

But he was no longer there.  A ripple in the mirror and a scrawled message on its surface told the tale.

“I am everywhere”

I had no reflection.

To Be Continued...

JrX

Like us on FaceBook!