As summer approaches and the days get warmer, its time to
start thinking about getting your flabby winter body into swimsuit model
mode. Whether you’re just trying to lose
a few pounds or attempting to excise the equivalent of an entire human being
made of fat from your belly, it’s time you start thinking about going on a
diet. But what if you’re not sure you
can stick to a diet? After all, your new
years resolution to lose weight dissipated like a fart in the breeze. Well, have no fears. Your good friends here at Random Crapp have
got you covered with a few surefire ways to shed pounds fast!
(Editors note: This is a humor website. At no time are we actually suggesting you
utilize any of these options. This is
meant as satire. Don’t be stupid.)
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| Follow me to beauty! |
Bulimia.
Not to be confused with anorexia, in which a person has a
fear that they are overweight even when they are in fact underweight. People with anorexia have an intense fear of
weight gain and, not to disparage anyone currently struggling with anorexia,
lets face it; if you really had a fear
of weight gain, you wouldn't be stuffing $20 steaks down your gullet like you
were a goddamn pelican.
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| I know I have anorexia because every time I look in the mirror I see a fat person. |
No, bulimia is a
far more elegant solution to weight loss that involves purging your body of
food immediately after eating via vomiting, taking a laxative, diuretic, or
stimulant. Yes, with bulimia you can
literally shit yourself to looking beautiful!
Warning: Adverse side
effects may include but are not limited to:
potassium loss and health deterioration, with depressive symptoms that
are often severe and lead to a high risk of suicide. Good luck!
Diet pills/drugs
Unless someone has painstakingly copied this by hand to a
public restroom wall, chances are you’re reading this on the inter-webs. If that’s the case then you've no doubt come
across your fair share of online advertisements for a wide variety of diet pills
offering everything from a promise to lose a few extra pounds of unsightly belly fat, to shakes and supplements designed to turn
that fat into lightly tanned muscle somehow, possibly by magic, we’re not
sure. But with all those options, how
are supposed to chose the right one for you?
Answer: meth. Wait, what?
You don’t do drugs? Tell me
this. Have you ever seen a fat drug
addict? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Warning: In addition
to fat, you may also lose: teeth, hair,
appetite, skin color, memory, and,
eventually, vital signs. Worth it!
Parasites
Ok, stay with me on this one.
There are actually unconfirmed rumors of diet pills sold in
the 1950’s that contained tapeworms as a way to lose weight. As long as you don’t mind a little cysticercosis,
possible blindness, brain damage and even death in extreme cases. And trust me, you don’t even want to know what
cysticercosis is. But hey, all that
matters is you look good, right?
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| I want to be inside you... |
Right?
See you at the beach!!
(Do not attempt any of these solutions, seriously, this is a joke. It pains me that I have to put up this disclaimer. This is why we can't have nice things. I just absolutely know that one of you idiots is going to email me asking if you should really try this. Don't. Put the internet down and return to your room, the nice people in white coats should be along any minute with your medication.)
Jrx
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