Looks like 2015 is almost over and it was a hell of a year, amirite? With so much that happened this year, we decided to look back and share some of what we thought were the best moments of 2015. From Donald Trump to Pluto and beyond, here is, in no particular order, your year in review.
Alaska becomes the latest state to legalize the possession and use of marijuana. This move from our nation's northern most state allows Alaskan citizens to finally have something to do other than check their shoes for moose poop.
The New York Times reports that Hilary Clinton, current democratic candidate for president, was using her personal email for official business, sparking yet another republican led series of hearings determined to find some sort of “smoking gun” that could possibly derail Clintons candidacy. So far the “email-gate” investigations have turned up nothing more sinister than Bill Clintons subscription to Penis Enlargement Online, the webs most viewed penis enlargement site.
Bruce Jenner publicly declares himself to be a woman and takes the name Catilyn Jenner. Interviews and awards for the former olympian follow as well as an increased awareness for transgender rights. This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are homophobic and/or bigots. You don’t have to look for them. They’ll make themselves known.
A whole shitload of unarmed black people were shot and killed by white police officers, leading to protests around the nation. Many of the instances were punctuated by either attempted cover ups by the officers or outright lying on official reports despite video evidence in some cases clearly presenting the truth. This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are racist and/or republican.
So far in 2015, we’ve had more mass shootings than days. It’s okay though, because unless the shooters were brown it was probably just an isolated incident. Every. Single. Time. This is depressing but it provides an excellent opportunity to identify any friends on Facebook who are islamophobic and/or insane.
In a landmark ruling, the supreme court voted 5-4 in favor of same sex marriage. Republicans and ultra conservatives nationwide have collectively decided that despite the ruling, they’re no longer baking wedding cakes for the gays. Or something. This also provides an excellent opportunity to identify if you have any friends left on Facebook at all.
Nasa’s New Horizon spacecraft completed its first ever flyby of Pluto, giving researchers an up close look at the former planet. Images from the probe have yet to confirm the existence of the Old Gods, but scientists and occultists alike are confident that as the images continue to come in new and exciting discoveries will reveal themselves, although it may be important to note that they’re excited for completely different reasons.
Speaking of the supernatural, republican candidate and part time oompa loompa impersonator Donald Trump somehow continues to lead in the polls for the republican nomination. We’ll be the first to admit that his candidacy was funny at first, but now it’s just getting scary. It seems as though nothing is too crazy for Trump supporters, as every time he says something objectionable more people flock to his camp. Whether it is saying that Mexican immigrants are rapists or that we should have a national database of Muslims, we can only assume at this point that his rise in the polls is foretold by prophecy and cannot be stopped.
Now, I know what you're thinking. This has been an up and down kind of year. But before you make any judgments, know that this also happened in 2015.
(I know this is short but I didn't have a lot of time. I promise I'll have something new up soon! Happy Turkey Day!)
Welcome to the Random Crapp Guide to Ruining Thanksgiving! If you’re here it’s because you ruined Thanksgiving! Congratulations! Your wife/husband will one day share this information with the judge at your divorce hearing! Until then, we’re here to help get you through this and straight to dessert, assuming you haven’t burned down your house. Speaking of which, what’s with all the smoke?
Yeah, about that. I may have overcooked the turkey.
Ok, no worries. Let’s see it.
Here it is.
Holy shit! Is that a turkey or did satan take a shit in your kitchen?
Yeah, I know. It's a little burnt.
A little? Jesus, it looks like it just reentered Earth's atmosphere! What temperature did you have the oven on? Hell?
Ok, “ha ha”. It’s not funny. Just tell me what to do here.
Alright, I’m sorry, let's figure this out. First, tell me the family situation. How many people are you feeding for thanksgiving today?
It’s just my wife and son. It’s our first thanksgiving.
Maybe your last?
If you don’t fucking help me, who knows!
Ok, calm down. Is there anyway you can blame this on your son?
Well, he’s 18 months old, so probably not.
First of all, he’s a year and a half not “18” months old. I’m 36 but you don’t see me calling myself 400 months old. It’s stupid.
Whatever, what the second thing?
What second thing?
You said first of all, I just assumed there was a second thing.
I don’t know, I lost my train of thought there. Did you know you have a meteorite in your kitchen?
It’s not a meteorite! It’s the goddamn turkey and you’re supposed to be helping me fix it!
Yeah, unless you have a time machine there’s no fixing that turkey. In fact, what you did to that bird is so fowl (rim shot) I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s soul haunted you for all eternity.
Oh, my god my wife is gonna kill me..
Look, its not so bad. Hey, I have an idea.
You do? Great! What is it?
You’re going to need a butter knife, a brown magic marker and a chicken with nothing to lose.
What the fuck are you talking about?
It’s simple. You scrape off all the black burned skin, color it over with brown magic marker and stuff it with a fried chicken.
Are...are you retarded?
Order chinese?
Fuck it.
Congratulations! You’ve made it through another Random Crapp guide! The only guide where we, you know, guide you. Or something. Happy Thanksgiving!!
NASA New Horizon space probe has finally reached Pluto, the erstwhile planet on the very edge of our solar system, after an incredible journey of over 9 years, 3 billion miles and only one bathroom break. Over the next few days the New Horizon space probe will be sending back photo after photo of the dwarf planet along with its moon Charon, representing an historic and unprecedented view of our furthest planetary neighbors. But what can we really expect to learn from New Horizons flyby?
To answer that question we invited noted astrophysicist, chicken magnate and media darling Neil deGrasse Tyson to the Random Crapp offices to help us understand the significance of mankind's latest endeavor.
(tape begins) Random Crapp: Mr. Tyson, thank you for coming!
Neil DeGrasse Tyson: Always glad to answer questions and hopefully spread some real science. But what did you mean about "chicken magnate"?
RC: Your chicken company. Tyson Chicken?
NDGT: Yeah, that's not me.
RC: Are you sure? Did we..did we get the right guy?
NGDT: Well, if you're looking to talk about Pluto, I'm your man. If you want to talk chicken, well I guess we could talk about that too. I mean I'm already here, so.
RC: No, no. Forget the chicken. Let's talk turkey.
NTGT: Not Pluto?
RC: What?
NDDT: Are we talking turkey or Pluto?
RC: What the fuck? Turkey? No, it's a figure of speech.
NGTD: Oh, right. So, Pluto. What would you like to know?
RC: Ok, back on track. First of all, I read somewhere that they're already starting to name some of the regions and features on Pluto, and one of the "dark spots" is being named Cthulu.
DDTR: Yes, I thought that was pretty funny.
RC: Funny, sir? What exactly is funny about a Great Old One living on the outskirts of our solar system?
NGGG: Wha...what?
RC: What steps is NASA taking to address the threat posed by Cthulu and his dark minions?
NDTT: I don't...I can't...I'm...I'm not sure if you're serious or not?
RC: Oh, I'm deadly serious. I mean, now that our probe has reached Pluto, how long do you think it will be before Cthulu turns his attention to us?
NDaGT: I really don't think there's anything to worry about here.
RC: How can you be so sure?
LOTR: Well, first of all Cthulu is fictional. So there's that.
RC: You know, I really don't think you appreciate whats happening here. Are you sure you're a real astrophysicist?
NCIS: Are you sure you're a real journalist?
RC: Journalist? Dude, this is a comedy website. I don't even know how we got you here.
NYPD: ...um...
RC: You're just a media whore, aren't you?
BYOB: So, Cthulu is on Pluto you say?
RC: Yeah, that's what I thought. What can you tell our readers abo-..hey, where are you going?
LAPD: I just remembered I have a thing with..uh..Bill Nye! Yeah, we have a...thing.
RC: Well, at least we made it through an entire interview without Loki showing up to ruin ever...hey whats all that shimmering around you? Oh, you son of a bitch!
LOKI: HA! You foolish dunga! You're chicken man Tyson was never here! It is I, Loki, the once an future King Of Asgard! And this time I've managed to ruin the entire interview!
RC: Hold on. What the fuck is a dunga? Is that like when you called Black Widow a mewling quim? Because I looked that up and it mean cunt. Are you calling me a cunt?!
LOKI: Nay, but what if I were, mortal??
(sounds of scuffling) tape ends
I swear to god, one of these days I'm gonna complete a real interview, I promise.
With the 4th of July weekend behind us and the
2016 presidential election ramping up, we thought it was about time to give
you, our inconstant readers, the lowdown
on who’s running for our nation’s highest office and what they’re
all about. And believe me, there’s
a lot of them. The republicans alone
have almost 20 declared candidates, so we’re going to try to keep this short and
sweet.
Also, we haven’t
posted anything in a while and we’ve been feeling a little guilty about
that. But mostly because I’m
bored right now and someone asked me earlier if I was an ameriCAN or an
ameriCAN’t. You know who you
are.
Anyway, without further poo, here are your 2016 presidential
candidates (in no particular order):
First, the Republicans
Chris Christie
That how big a chance he has at winning.
Who is he? He’s
the loud mouth, straight shootin’ take no shit governor of New Jersey.
What’s he known for? Multiple corruption charges leveled against
his administration and once biting the head off kitten because it looked at him
wrong.
Chances of winning?
Only if his constant anger triggers the latent gamma radiation in his
dna and he actually rips his opponents limb from limb. And eats them.
Bobby Jindal
He's not confused, he just always looks that way.
Who is he? The baby
faced governor of Louisiana who once lamented that the Republican Party has to
stop being the party of stupid, and then immediately became retarded.
What’s he know for? Always jumping on the conservative bandwagon
last as if to say, “Hey, guys! Don’t forget about
me! I’ve been a real boy ever
since my father wished on that star! Take me seriously! Please!”
Chances of winning?
He won’t even realize the election is over until 2017.
Donald Trump
One of these is Trump. I'm not sure which.
Who is he? Come
on. The guy’s got his name
plastered on more buildings than..I don’t
know, someone who has a lot of buildings with they’re
name on them? Shit. I totally had something for that.
Sorry.
What’s he known for? Jesus, where do I even start? He’s declared bankruptcy as many times as
he’s had wives and still thinks he’s a savvy business man. He sent detectives to Hawaii to dig up Barack
Obamas “real”birth certificate and as far as we
know, they never came back. He accused
Mexico of intentionally sending America thieves and rapists and refuses to
apologize. I mean, holy shit. I could go on and on; he’s
comedy gold. I got so aroused at the
thought of him running that I would have done an entire article just on him if
not for a raging erection constantly distracting me.
Chances of
winning? Pretty fucking slim, so let’s
just enjoy him while we can.
Jeb Bush
"Is it my turn now?"
Who is he? The former
two term governor of Florida, a state with apparently enough serial killers to
last eight whole seasons of Dexter.
What’s he known for? He’s the son and brother of two presidents,
so at this point he kind of has to run, or at least try to be president. Also, he’s married to a Mexican immigrant so you
know he likes a little brown sugar, if you know what I mean.
Chances of winning?
Probably the best of a bad lot.
Rick Perry
He likes his corndogs.
Who is he? Longest
serving governor of the great state of Texas, Rick Perry once had a ranch named
Niggerhead. Yeah.
What’s he known for? Dumber than a stump, Rick Perry has taken to
wearing glasses in an effort to appear smarter.
Famously ended a debate answer with “oops”.
Once said that Juarez is the most dangerous city in America, apparently
unaware of the fact that Juarez is in Mexico.
This guy is almost as good as Trump.
Chances of winning?
You’re kidding, right?
Lindsey Graham
Even he doesn't think he can win.
Who is he? A senator
from South Carolina, a state whose barbecue Rick Perry once said tasted worse
that road kill.
What’s he known for? Actually believes that global warming is man
made and a threat to national security.
So there’s that. Look, I’m
gonna be honest with you here. I wouldn’t
even know who Lindsey Graham is if it weren’t for Jon Stewart.
Chances of winning?
Hahaha
George Pataki
The face of a man who knows he's got a funny name.
Who is he? Ok, we had
to look this one up. Apparently he
served three terms of governor of New York.
So, yeah.
What’s he know for? No idea.
But he’s got a funny name.
Pataki. Seriously. Say that five times. Pataki Pataki Pataki Pataki Pataki. See?
Chances of winning?
See “chances of winning”, Lindsey Graham
Rick Santorum
"Now hold on. I only hate the gays because they're an abomination against the lord, that's all. Nothing personal."
Who is he? Former US
senator from Pennsylvania and
virulently homophobic, we ask only one thing of you. Google the name Santorum. We’ll wait…… Gross, right?
What’s
he known for? Once said that women on
the battlefield was a bad idea because of the “emotions involved”. Compared Obamacare to apartheid, which is
state sponsored, institutionalized racism.
Believes that same sex marriage will lead to the “fall”
of America. Opposes all forms of
pornography; so you know, fuck that guy.
Chances of
winning? Only if every other candidate
suddenly dies in a freak meteor shower.
Mike Huckabee
We thought he'd like the colors.
Who is he? Baptist minister, former governor of Arkansas
and former Fox News host who also hates the gays.
What's he known
for? Being really into Jesus. Like, really
into Jesus. As in, we're actually
worried about how much he's into Him. Not that there's anything wrong with
that. We wish them all the best.
Chances of
winning? Short of an intervention from his main man, it's doesn't look good for
the Huckster.
Ben Carson
"I don't even know why I'm here."
Who is he? The
republican party's token black guy, unless that's racist. Former pediatric
neurosurgeon. On paper he's a pretty smart guy. In person he's a fucking moron.
What's he known
for? I don't know, he's the black guy?
Chances of
winning? There's a better chance that the guy sitting next to you on the bus is
just a bunch of gerbils in a human suit.
Carly Fiorina
Seen here demanding a fur coat made out of dalmatians.
Which is she? The
republican party's token woman, unless that's misogynist.
What's she known
for? Former CEO of Hewlett-Packard, she ran that company in to the ground
before she was forced out; not long after she worked for John McCain's 2008
presidential campaign, so you know she's consistent, if only in failure.
Chances of
winning? Even if she makes it to the general election, Hillary Clinton will
probably tear out her ovaries in an attempt to steal her power. So, no.
Marco Rubio
I...I got nothing.
Who is he? The republican party's token Latino, unless that's,
what?..nativist?
What's he known for? Says he's not a scientist, that the
age if the earth is "a great mystery". Admits that he wouldn’t have been able
to afford college if not for government aid, then trashes government aid and
other social programs. Hates the gays,
immigrants and intelligence. In fact, that might best summarize all the
republican candidates, huh? That should
make things easier, because there’s a lot more.
Chances of winning?
Are you holding your breath?
Well, don’t.
Rand Paul.
"Define 'plagiarism'."
Who is he?
Ophthalmologist and son of crazy person Ron Paul, Rand is a senator from
Kentucky.
What’s he known for? Been caught several times plagiarizing his
speeches. Once said that people “donot have the right to food water and healthcare”.
On the other hand, he’s pretty lenient on drugs, so…Oh,
also on the other other hand, he hates the gays immigrants and intelligence.
Chances of winning?
Well, he’s probably got the weed vote.
Ted Cruz
Is it me, or does he look like a human muppet?
Who is he? Former
Texas solicitor general, former deputy assistant attorney general in the George
W. Bush administration and recently audition for a part on The Simpsons. Really.
What’s he known for ? All together now: he hates the gays, immigrants and
intelligence. Was born in Canada to and American
mother and a Cuban father which make him, what?
An Amerinadian? A Cubanican? A Canacubican? Who knows, but John McCain once called him a “wacko bird”.
Chances of winning?
That would be amazing, but no.
Ok, there are other declared candidates, but those are the
most high profile ones and the truth is, I’m getting kind of sad. And this is just the beginning. With the election over a year away, we still have
primaries to get through not to mention the national conventions, which should
be hilarious. Watching these clowns
debate each other is going to be the highlight of the year for me.
Now for the Democrats
Hillary Clinton
"It's my turn, bitches."
Who is she? Former
first lady during the Clinton administration, former US senator from New York,
former Secretary of State during the first Obama administration.
What’s she know for? One of the most well known and respected
women in the entire world. First serious
female candidate for president (sorry Geraldine Ferraro) during the 2008
election, getting nearly 18 million votes during the primaries but ultimately
losing to Barack Obama. She’s
supports the gays, immigrants and smart people.
Has never been accused of being stupid, she’s the only
person running for president who actually has the qualifications.
Chances of winning?
She’s already picking out drapes.
I'm sure there are other Democrats running, but come on. They don't really matter.
To close, I'm going to leave you with a youtube video of Ted Cruz auditioning for The Simpsons. You're welcome.
