“Dude, you’re a vampire.”
“No, I don’t think so.
I have a reflection, it just kinda…left. Besides, it’s still daylight
outside and I’m not burning up.”
Sancho had come over a few minutes ago, with a noticeable lack
of mountain dew, and I immediately took him to the scene of the crime. I could see the emotions march across his
face as they must have done on mine.
Shock, terror, confusion and an admirable attempt at acceptance through
humor.
“I hope I’m not a vampire,” I said. “I wouldn't really mind,
but I would have liked to lose a few pounds before spending my immortal life in
this pudgy body”.
He said, “Put that shit down. You’re freaking me out.”
The novelty of the situation had already worn off on me and
I figured I could mess with his head a little by picking up random objects and
moving them around while saying “ooooohhhhhh”.
My razor had already danced a jig seemingly on its own in the mirror and
I had moved on to brushing my teeth. To
Sancho, it looked as if the toothbrush was moving up and down by itself, and
foam was coalescing out of thin air
.
 |
| Kinda like this, only no, its not like this at all. |
“ I'm going to the living room”, Sancho said.
Spitting into the sink, I followed him, stopping in the
kitchen to get a half bottle of mountain dew from the fridge.
Sitting on my recliner across from him, I asked “So, what’s
the plan?”
“Plan?” he replied. “This
is your problem, not mine. I suggest you
burn the house down.”
“No, I can’t burn it down.
I just got settled in.”
“ You've been living here for eight years!”
“Whatever. Keep thinking.”
I knew Sancho would help me if he could. He just had fuck around with me first. And maybe charge me.
I said, “I think we should start by getting some holy water,
crosses, shit like that.”
“I thought you said this wasn't vampires?” he replied.
“Hey, how much experience do you think I have with
situations like this? I’m reaching here.”
“Well”, he said, “fuck it.
I guess holy water can’t hurt.
But where are you going to get some? Do they sell that stuff somewhere,
or do we have to go to a church? And
what the hell do we tell them if we do?”
“I got that part covered”, I said. Standing up, I walked across the living room
and removed an unframed certificate I had pinned to the wall. Handing it to Sancho, I said, “Read it and
weep.”
“‘This is to certify that the bearer hereof has all rights
and privileges to perform all duties of the ministry and been ordained as
Reverend’-wait a second. You got
ordained?!” he exclaimed.
“Yup,” I said. “I can’t believe you never noticed that on
the wall before.”
“But, asshole, you’re not even Christian!”
“Yeah, turns out that don’t matter.”
Retaking my seat, I said “I got it online a couple of years
ago. Totally free. Anyone can do it. Apparently, it’s recognized by all fifty
states”.
 |
| This is a real thing. |
“So,” I continued, “if it’s good enough for Uncle Sam, I'm sure it’s good enough for Jesus.”
I slapped the back of my neck and shivered. I could have sworn I felt something crawling
on me. Probably the tag on my shirt, I thought as I adjusted my neckline.
“Hand me that bottle there”, I asked.
As Sancho passed over the bottle, I made the sign of the
cross and said,
“In the
name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost,
By the
power vested in me by the state of Texas
And the
Universal Life Church of California,
I
hereby declare the liquid in this bottle holy,
For
liberty and justice for all.
You may
be seated.”
Looking over at Sancho, I saw an expression of unbridled awe
on his face and smiled with satisfaction.
“You’re a fucking idiot,” he said.
Ok, I’m maybe I’m
getting mixed signals.
Sancho said “You do realize that you just blessed a bottle
of mountain dew, right?”
“Hey”, I said. “Why not?”
 |
| One Dew to rule them all. |
I shivered. There it
is again! I thought. Little hairs
standing on end on the back of my neck.
That creepy feeling you get when an ant or something is crawling on you,
all six legs moving lightly across your skin, as if they’re making contact with
your very nerves. A few weeks ago, I
went outside to my car, not realizing that a spider had made a web between a
tree and my Jeep. Nearly invisible in
the dark, I stumbled right through it and immediately transformed into a six
year old girl, slapping at myself all over, hair thin strands of web caressing my
arms with an alien sensation, a thousand imaginary spiders ready to burrow into
my ears. I might have peed a little.
“Something’s wrong”, I said.
But Sancho wasn’t looking at me. He was looking out the window.
“What?”, I asked. “What are you looking at?” Looking myself,
I couldn’t see anything that would grab his attention.
“Dude” he said stiffly.
“Not outside. You don’t notice it?”
“Notice what?”
“Your reflection”. He said. “It’s back.”
Turning slowly back to the window, I refocused my gaze and
came face to face with my doppelgänger once again.
I will not pee myself
, I thought.
JrX
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