With the 4th of July weekend behind us and the
2016 presidential election ramping up, we thought it was about time to give
you, our inconstant readers, the lowdown
on who’s running for our nation’s highest office and what they’re
all about. And believe me, there’s
a lot of them. The republicans alone
have almost 20 declared candidates, so we’re going to try to keep this short and
sweet.
Also, we haven’t
posted anything in a while and we’ve been feeling a little guilty about
that. But mostly because I’m
bored right now and someone asked me earlier if I was an ameriCAN or an
ameriCAN’t. You know who you
are.
Anyway, without further poo, here are your 2016 presidential
candidates (in no particular order):
First, the Republicans
Chris Christie
 |
| That how big a chance he has at winning. |
Who is he? He’s
the loud mouth, straight shootin’ take no shit governor of New Jersey.
What’s he known for? Multiple corruption charges leveled against
his administration and once biting the head off kitten because it looked at him
wrong.
Chances of winning?
Only if his constant anger triggers the latent gamma radiation in his
dna and he actually rips his opponents limb from limb. And eats them.
Bobby Jindal
 |
| He's not confused, he just always looks that way. |
Who is he? The baby
faced governor of Louisiana who once lamented that the Republican Party has to
stop being the party of stupid, and then immediately became retarded.
What’s he know for? Always jumping on the conservative bandwagon
last as if to say, “Hey, guys! Don’t forget about
me! I’ve been a real boy ever
since my father wished on that star! Take me seriously! Please!”
Chances of winning?
He won’t even realize the election is over until 2017.
Donald Trump
 |
| One of these is Trump. I'm not sure which. |
Who is he? Come
on. The guy’s got his name
plastered on more buildings than..I don’t
know, someone who has a lot of buildings with they’re
name on them? Shit. I totally had something for that.
Sorry.
What’s he known for? Jesus, where do I even start? He’s declared bankruptcy as many times as
he’s had wives and still thinks he’s a savvy business man. He sent detectives to Hawaii to dig up Barack
Obamas “real” birth certificate and as far as we
know, they never came back. He accused
Mexico of intentionally sending America thieves and rapists and refuses to
apologize. I mean, holy shit. I could go on and on; he’s
comedy gold. I got so aroused at the
thought of him running that I would have done an entire article just on him if
not for a raging erection constantly distracting me.
Chances of
winning? Pretty fucking slim, so let’s
just enjoy him while we can.
Jeb Bush
 |
| "Is it my turn now?" |
Who is he? The former
two term governor of Florida, a state with apparently enough serial killers to
last eight whole seasons of Dexter.
What’s he known for? He’s the son and brother of two presidents,
so at this point he kind of has to run, or at least try to be president. Also, he’s married to a Mexican immigrant so you
know he likes a little brown sugar, if you know what I mean.
Chances of winning?
Probably the best of a bad lot.
Rick Perry
 |
| He likes his corndogs. |
Who is he? Longest
serving governor of the great state of Texas, Rick Perry once had a ranch named
Niggerhead. Yeah.
What’s he known for? Dumber than a stump, Rick Perry has taken to
wearing glasses in an effort to appear smarter.
Famously ended a debate answer with “oops”.
Once said that Juarez is the most dangerous city in America, apparently
unaware of the fact that Juarez is in Mexico.
This guy is almost as good as Trump.
Chances of winning?
You’re kidding, right?
Lindsey Graham
 |
| Even he doesn't think he can win. |
Who is he? A senator
from South Carolina, a state whose barbecue Rick Perry once said tasted worse
that road kill.
What’s he known for? Actually believes that global warming is man
made and a threat to national security.
So there’s that. Look, I’m
gonna be honest with you here. I wouldn’t
even know who Lindsey Graham is if it weren’t for Jon Stewart.
Chances of winning?
Hahaha
George Pataki
 |
| The face of a man who knows he's got a funny name. |
Who is he? Ok, we had
to look this one up. Apparently he
served three terms of governor of New York.
So, yeah.
What’s he know for? No idea.
But he’s got a funny name.
Pataki. Seriously. Say that five times. Pataki Pataki Pataki Pataki Pataki. See?
Chances of winning?
See “chances of winning”, Lindsey Graham
Rick Santorum
 |
| "Now hold on. I only hate the gays because they're an abomination against the lord, that's all. Nothing personal." |
Who is he? Former US
senator from Pennsylvania and
virulently homophobic, we ask only one thing of you. Google the name Santorum. We’ll wait…… Gross, right?
What’s
he known for? Once said that women on
the battlefield was a bad idea because of the “emotions involved”. Compared Obamacare to apartheid, which is
state sponsored, institutionalized racism.
Believes that same sex marriage will lead to the “fall”
of America. Opposes all forms of
pornography; so you know, fuck that guy.
Chances of
winning? Only if every other candidate
suddenly dies in a freak meteor shower.
Mike Huckabee
 |
| We thought he'd like the colors. |
Who is he? Baptist minister, former governor of Arkansas
and former Fox News host who also hates the gays.
What's he known
for? Being really into Jesus. Like, really
into Jesus. As in, we're actually
worried about how much he's into Him. Not that there's anything wrong with
that. We wish them all the best.
Chances of
winning? Short of an intervention from his main man, it's doesn't look good for
the Huckster.
Ben Carson
 |
| "I don't even know why I'm here." |
Who is he? The
republican party's token black guy, unless that's racist. Former pediatric
neurosurgeon. On paper he's a pretty smart guy. In person he's a fucking moron.
What's he known
for? I don't know, he's the black guy?
Chances of
winning? There's a better chance that the guy sitting next to you on the bus is
just a bunch of gerbils in a human suit.
Carly Fiorina
 |
| Seen here demanding a fur coat made out of dalmatians. |
Which is she? The
republican party's token woman, unless that's misogynist.
What's she known
for? Former CEO of Hewlett-Packard, she ran that company in to the ground
before she was forced out; not long after she worked for John McCain's 2008
presidential campaign, so you know she's consistent, if only in failure.
Chances of
winning? Even if she makes it to the general election, Hillary Clinton will
probably tear out her ovaries in an attempt to steal her power. So, no.
Marco Rubio
 |
| I...I got nothing. |
Who is he? The republican party's token Latino, unless that's,
what?..nativist?
What's he known for? Says he's not a scientist, that the
age if the earth is "a great mystery". Admits that he wouldn’t have been able
to afford college if not for government aid, then trashes government aid and
other social programs. Hates the gays,
immigrants and intelligence. In fact, that might best summarize all the
republican candidates, huh? That should
make things easier, because there’s a lot more.
Chances of winning?
Are you holding your breath?
Well, don’t.
Rand Paul.
 |
| "Define 'plagiarism'." |
Who is he?
Ophthalmologist and son of crazy person Ron Paul, Rand is a senator from
Kentucky.
What’s he known for? Been caught several times plagiarizing his
speeches. Once said that people “donot have the right to food water and healthcare”.
On the other hand, he’s pretty lenient on drugs, so…Oh,
also on the other other hand, he hates the gays immigrants and intelligence.
Chances of winning?
Well, he’s probably got the weed vote.
Ted Cruz
 |
| Is it me, or does he look like a human muppet? |
Who is he? Former
Texas solicitor general, former deputy assistant attorney general in the George
W. Bush administration and recently audition for a part on The Simpsons. Really.
What’s he known for ? All together now: he hates the gays, immigrants and
intelligence. Was born in Canada to and American
mother and a Cuban father which make him, what?
An Amerinadian? A Cubanican? A Canacubican? Who knows, but John McCain once called him a “wacko bird”.
Chances of winning?
That would be amazing, but no.
Ok, there are other declared candidates, but those are the
most high profile ones and the truth is, I’m getting kind of sad. And this is just the beginning. With the election over a year away, we still have
primaries to get through not to mention the national conventions, which should
be hilarious. Watching these clowns
debate each other is going to be the highlight of the year for me.
Now for the Democrats
Hillary Clinton
 |
| "It's my turn, bitches." |
Who is she? Former
first lady during the Clinton administration, former US senator from New York,
former Secretary of State during the first Obama administration.
What’s she know for? One of the most well known and respected
women in the entire world. First serious
female candidate for president (sorry Geraldine Ferraro) during the 2008
election, getting nearly 18 million votes during the primaries but ultimately
losing to Barack Obama. She’s
supports the gays, immigrants and smart people.
Has never been accused of being stupid, she’s the only
person running for president who actually has the qualifications.
Chances of winning?
She’s already picking out drapes.
I'm sure there are other Democrats running, but come on. They don't really matter.
To close, I'm going to leave you with a youtube video of Ted Cruz auditioning for The Simpsons. You're welcome.
Jrx
Don't forget to like us on FaceBook!
No comments:
Post a Comment