Pluto And You: What You Need to Know About Earths Furthest Neighbor (Honestly Though, You'll Learn Nothing Here. Have You Even Met Us?)

NASA New Horizon space probe has finally reached Pluto, the erstwhile planet on the very edge of our solar system, after an incredible journey of over 9 years, 3 billion miles and only one bathroom break.  Over the next few days the New Horizon space probe will be sending back photo after photo of the dwarf planet along with its moon Charon, representing an historic and unprecedented view of our furthest planetary neighbors.  But what can we really expect to learn from New Horizons flyby?

To answer that question we invited noted astrophysicist, chicken magnate and media darling Neil deGrasse Tyson to the Random Crapp offices to help us understand the significance of mankind's latest endeavor.

(tape begins)
Random Crapp:  Mr. Tyson, thank you for coming!

Neil DeGrasse Tyson:  Always glad to answer questions and hopefully spread some real science.  But what did you mean about "chicken magnate"?

RC:  Your chicken company.  Tyson Chicken?

NDGT:  Yeah, that's not me.

RC:  Are you sure?  Did we..did we get the right guy?  

NGDT:  Well, if you're looking to talk about Pluto, I'm your man.  If you want to talk chicken, well I guess we could talk about that too.  I mean I'm already here, so.

RC:  No, no.  Forget the chicken.  Let's talk turkey.

NTGT:  Not Pluto?

RC:  What?

NDDT:  Are we talking turkey or Pluto?

RC:  What the fuck?  Turkey?  No, it's a figure of speech.

NGTD:  Oh, right.  So, Pluto.  What would you like to know?

RC:  Ok, back on track.  First of all, I read somewhere that they're already starting to name some of the regions and features on Pluto, and one of the "dark spots" is being named Cthulu.

DDTR:  Yes, I thought that was pretty funny.

RC:  Funny, sir?  What exactly is funny about a Great Old One living on the outskirts of our solar system?

NGGG:  Wha...what?

RC:  What steps is NASA taking to address the threat posed by Cthulu and his dark minions?

NDTT:  I don't...I can't...I'm...I'm not sure if you're serious or not?

RC:  Oh, I'm deadly serious.  I mean, now that our probe has reached Pluto, how long do you think it will be before Cthulu turns his attention to us?

NDaGT:  I really don't think there's anything to worry about here.  

RC:  How can you be so sure?

LOTR:  Well, first of all Cthulu is fictional.  So there's that.

RC:  You know, I really don't think you appreciate whats happening here.  Are you sure you're a real astrophysicist?

NCIS:  Are you sure you're a real journalist?

RC:  Journalist?  Dude, this is a comedy website.  I don't even know how we got you here.

NYPD:  ...um...

RC:  You're just a media whore, aren't you?

BYOB:  So, Cthulu is on Pluto you say?

RC:  Yeah, that's what I thought.  What can you tell our readers abo-..hey, where are you going?

LAPD:  I just remembered I have a thing with..uh..Bill Nye!  Yeah, we have a...thing.

RC:  Well, at least we made it through an entire interview without Loki showing up to ruin ever...hey whats all that shimmering around you?  Oh, you son of a bitch!

LOKI:  HA!  You foolish dunga!  You're chicken man Tyson was never here! It is I, Loki, the once an future King Of Asgard! And this time I've managed to ruin the entire interview!

RC:  Hold on.  What the fuck is a dunga?  Is that like when you called Black Widow a mewling quim?  Because I looked that up and it mean cunt.  Are you calling me a cunt?!

LOKI:  Nay, but what if I were, mortal??

(sounds of scuffling)
tape ends

I swear to god, one of these days I'm gonna complete a real interview, I promise.

JrX

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