Christmas day is
almost over and by now most of you have exchanged gifts with your loved ones,
secretly decided to return almost all of them for store credit, had at least
two dinners at different houses and are now reaching for the last bottle of
beer to help put you out of your yuletide misery. But before you nod off to visions of sugar
plums dancing in your head, you seem to recall a story on the morning news regarding
Santa’s flight around the world the night before. Something about how old St. Nick almost didn't
make it. Stomach flu or some such
thing.
Probably just lactose
intolerant and had one too many glasses of milk, you think. But there was something about unconfirmed reports
of a kidnapping, explosions…you weren't really paying attention.
Well, no worries. We here at Random Crapp have got all you need
to know about last night. Starting with
the fact that the United States government is actively trying to cover up
certain events that transpired during our latest Christmas Eve. Even now, the best Google searcher in the
world would be unable to find any news reports or cached sites from last night
containing certain key words like Santa, North Korea, Kirk Cameron and so on,
during the hours of 1am to 6:30am.
But thanks to the
magic of screen capture and our intense boredom, we were able to stay abreast
of the situation even as the government was busy scrubbing all mention of what really
transpired on Christmas Eve from the world wide web. Below you will find
transcribed notes from Associated Press breaking news bulletins that were meant
for wide distribution to various news agencies, but have since been heavily
redacted. The truth shall set us free!
1:06am Associated Press Breaking News Alert:
According to
eyewitnesses reporting live from Seoul, South Korea, several North Korean
fighter jets have engaged in a aerial dogfight with Santa Claus. As of this
posting, two reindeer are down and you're probably not getting that Xbox One
bundle.
More updates as they come…
More updates as they come…
1:36am AP Breaking News Alert:
Following a brutal midair
attack by North Korean fighter jets, Santa Claus has narrowly made his way into
friendlier skies, albeit without Blitzen and Rudolph who are now prisoners of
Dear Leader Kim Jong Un.
A list of demands in exchange for the release of the two reindeer is expected soon...
A list of demands in exchange for the release of the two reindeer is expected soon...
1:57am AP Breaking News Alert:
In exchange for the
release of Blitzen and Rudolph, North Korea demands that actors James Franco
and Seth Rogen immediately produce a film praising Dear Leader Kim Jong Un as
Earths "greatest pudgy dictator".
Although it's possible we translated that last part wrong..
Although it's possible we translated that last part wrong..
2:15am AP Breaking News Alert:
Horror on holiday, as
North Pole representatives receive a package from North Korea containing the
severed nose of Rudolph the (formerly) Red Nosed Reindeer. Attempts to contact
James Franco and Seth Rogen have been unsuccessful, as it is presumed they are
both too high to respond.
Unconfirmed reports indicate that Santa may have contacted Kirk Cameron for assistance. Stay with Associated Press for further updat-, ok, this just in: North Korea has just bombed Kirk Cameron. He's dead.
Unconfirmed reports indicate that Santa may have contacted Kirk Cameron for assistance. Stay with Associated Press for further updat-, ok, this just in: North Korea has just bombed Kirk Cameron. He's dead.
2:28am AP Breaking News Alert:
Shocking video of
North Korean soldiers beheading beloved reindeer Blitzen prompts President
Obama to authorize Emergency Operation: Slay Ride, a joint mission between the
U.S. and the North Pole led by Clark Griswold and that one kid from A Christmas
Story, as well as several unnamed but presumably expendable elves.
More updates as the situation develops..
More updates as the situation develops..
4:45am AP Breaking News Alert:
Operation: Slay Ride
has failed. After a series of wacky misunderstandings, Gen. Griswold led his
men/elves directly into the active mine field of the DMV. No bodies have yet
been recovered. Pres. Obama on the failed mission is quoted as saying,
"Probably shouldn't have sent Chevy fucking Chase."
With little hope left, the world prays for a hero...
With little hope left, the world prays for a hero...
4:57am AP Breaking News Alert:
A hero rises? Quint,
the salty old sea dog from the movie Jaws offers to rescue Rudolph for $10,000.
Quint: " for ten thousand dollars, you get the head, the tail, the whole
damn thing". In response, the North Koreans send another package to Santa
containing a hoof and a note that reads "You're going to need a bigger
sleigh lol."
Santa is not amused.
Santa is not amused.
5:18am AP Breaking News Alert:
With nowhere else to
turn, and James Franco and Seth Rogen too high to stop laughing, Santa trades
in his traditional sleigh for a more advanced, weaponized version of the
classic conveyance. Replacing the reindeer he has left for a pair of
experimental jet engines and a host of surface to air missiles, Santa suits up
in a next generation bullet proof red cloak and prepares to invade North Korea.
With several machine guns, pistols, knives and a few sharp sticks strapped to
his back, Santa vows not to return without Rudolph.
A hopeful world waits with baited breath...
A hopeful world waits with baited breath...
6:11am AP Breaking News Alert:
Rudolph the Stub Nosed Reindeer is currently being airlifted to the North Poles infirmary, where elvish doctors hope to be able to reattach his severed appendages. We wish him well on his long road to recovery. In the meantime, Santa has promised to complete his rounds as scheduled, despite his own not inconsiderable wounds. Authorities caution Santa to temporarily skip certain parts of the U.S. this morning, as they worry that his disheveled appearance might cause some people to "stand their ground".
And THAT, my friends, is what really happened last night. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
JrX
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