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Well, dear readers, its that time of year again. As autumn comes to a close and winter comes
knocking at your door, we start the holidays with that perennial celebration of
ghouls and goblins, tricks and treats and low budget horror movies from the
eighties with..*ahem*..ample images
of gratuitous nudity. (There’s nothing
like eighties breasts, am I right?)
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| Of course I'm right. |
I’m
talking, of course, of Halloween. A
reckless orgy of candy, parties and bad decisions. When costumed townsfolk stumble through the
streets, knocking on doors, begging for candy like some sort of ghoulish
salvation army. But where did Halloween
come from? When did it start? And why are these sexy cat-women giving me
confusing feelings about my neighbors cats?
Well, we here at Random Crapp have decided to answer all these questions
and more (except for the one about my neighbors cats. The humane society was very helpful in that
regard). Here then is the history of
Halloween, discovered after hours of exhaustive research that I probably
shouldn't have done after half a bottle of Jack Daniels. Enjoy.
Who started
Halloween?
Halloween started millions of years ago, when Jesus saw his
shadow. Wait, that can’t be right. Hang on…OK, here we go again. Halloween started sometime in the past,
probably when everyone still thought a good stink could cure most
diseases. Back then, if you lived past thirty years old, you were
probably in league with the devil. These
weren't exactly enlightened times, is what we’re saying. Halloween, or Samhain as it was called, was
originally a harvest festival, or maybe the Celtic new year, we weren't really
paying attention. It was believed that
the souls of the dead could rise from their graves on this one day of the year
because apparently the afterlife was pretty boring.
What’s with the
costumes?
During the celebration, people would often dress in animal
skins in order to calm the spirits of the deceased or perhaps to blend in with
them, so as not to incur their wrath.
After all, if you can’t beat them, join them. What this has to do with today's sexy nurses
is beyond the knowledge of this puny website.
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| I'm sorry, what were we talking about? |
So, my mom says
Halloween is evil. What’s up with that?
Well, I don’t want to contradict your mom, or question why
she was kissing Santa Clause last year, but she’s full of crap. After the Romans smacked Britain around like
a red headed stepchild, they incorporated the Celtic holiday into a celebration
of their dead. Later, when the Romans
embraced Christianity, the holiday changed once again. November 1 became All-hallows, a day to
celebrate their saints and martyrs, and October 31 became All-hallows Even. And like the whisper game you played as a
child, it eventually became Halloween. These
days, the most evil thing about Halloween is the stomach ache you get after
eating absolutely obscene amounts of candy.
Also, that slutty pirate wench who stole your wallet after slipping you
a mickey. Evil bitch.
Ok, so what about
pumpkins? Where do they fit in? And please don’t say my butt.
Well, I was going to make something up for this, but the
actual story is pretty cool, so here goes.
According to Irish myth, there once was a man named Stingy Jack who was
having a drink with the devil. There’s
no mention of why. Maybe they were old
army buddies, who knows. Anyway, Stingy
Jack didn't want to pay his tab, because he was stingy and all, so he somehow
convinced the devil to turn into a coin to pay the bill. However, instead of paying, good old Jack
just pocketed the coin next to a cross in his jacket, which kept the devil in
coin mode. Before Jack would release the
devil, he made him promise not to claim his soul upon his death. When Jack finally did kick the proverbial
bucket, he discovered that heaven didn't
want him either. Because he couldn't go
up or down, and because the devil is kind of a dick, he cursed Stingy Jack to
wander the world with a single coal in a hollowed out turnip to light his
way. To the Irish, he was Jack of the
Lantern, or Jack o’lantern. I have no
idea where the pumpkins came in as I didn't read that far. Still pretty cool though, right? Also, the pumpkins fit in your butt.
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| Best. Pumpkin. Ever. |
Nice, real classy of
you
No problem.
Ok, how about the
candy? When did that start?
Well, during my research, I came across at least seven
different reasons we give out candy on Halloween. All of them were boring, so here’s my
answer. Back in the olden days, before
the Internet, people wou-…no wait. Ok,
what happened was….well…hang on. You
know what? I got nothing for this
one. I honestly thought I could come up
with something, but nope. Nothing. Candy is awesome. End of story.
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| Pictured above: awesomeness |
And there you have it folks.
I hope this answered all your questions regarding Halloween . Now it’s time for me to have a drink with my
new friend. What did you say your name
was? Bee Bub? Beezle Bob?
What a strange name. You’re
buying this round.
