The Random Crapp Top Ten Whatever I Can Think Of List of 2012

Well, it's the end of the year, and I can't surf the internet without seeing top ten lists on every website from here to Timbuktu.  There's top ten movies, top ten tv shows, top ten political moments, top ten your mama jokes, top ten everything.  Clearly, this is what people want, and in an effort to broaden my readership, I have decided to jump on this particular bandwagon and ride it straight to hell.  So, in random order of course, here are my top ten whatever I can think of for 2012.  Enjoy.

Top President

He's one cool cat.

Now, before any of you start sceaming “affirmative action”, let me just say that I didn't put him as top president because he's black.  Love him or hate him, he is the number one president of America right now.  Also, he got bin laden.  I know that was like a year ago, but he could probably ride that train for a while longer.

Top New Way To Make Grilled Cheese Sandwich

How do I love grilled cheese? Let me count the ways...

Have you seen this?  Its amazing.  You just turn your toaster sideways, and place a piece of toast with a slice of cheese inside,and  voilà!  Easiest grilled cheese you’ll ever have!  Careful though; some toasters have a metal cage that braces the toast when activated.   Sadly, this is the end of your grilled cheese sandwich.  Also, don’t position your sideways toaster anywhere near the edge of the counter, unless you'd like to see your sandwich take flight.

Top Stupid Thing Someone Said To Me

Is it wrong that I think she's sexy?

I was at a corner store that I hadn't been to in a while, getting gas. When I went inside to pay, I asked where the candy was, because I had a hankering for some M&M’s.  The stupid bitch behind the counter said, “We’re all out of m&m’s, but we have plenty of w’s, ha ha.”  I'm not normally a violent man, and maybe I was in a bad mood that day, but goddamn it, I wanted to punch her in her uterus.

Top Blog That I Write

Rock on people.

I feel no shame for listing my own blog.  Random Crapp forever!

Top Quote I Read On The Internet Today

D'oh.

“I never apologize.  I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am”.  Credited to Homer J. Simpson.  Clearly an underrated thinker and a spiritual brother to all stupid people.  Here's to you, Homer Simpson.  You’re a goddamn bro.

Top Pic Someone Sent Me

I want that shirt.

This is for the gangstas in the house. You know who you are. 

Top Stupid Product On TV

Fuck you, Mr. Lid.

So there's this thing running ads on TV for Mr. Lid.  Maybe you've seen it?  It's Tupperware  only with the lid attached.  Ok, nothing wrong with that, right?  Well, at one point in the ad, the announcer claims that they achieved this via a "revolutionary technology".  They don't say what it is, but they display a large cartoon arrow at what is obviously a hinge.  Now, I'll grant them that the hinge may have been revolutionary at some point in history, but I've got to think that as a society we're no longer amazed by such things.  Speaking of which....

Top Invention Ever

All Hail Thermos!

The thermos.  Need I go on?  It's got no buttons.  It's got no dials.  It's got no levers.  And yet it consistently keeps cold things cold, and warm things warm.  How does it do it? How does it know?  What strange magic keeps it working?  Probably invented by the same people who invented the hinge. That, or witchcraft.

Well, that's it.  The Random Crapp Top Ten Whatever I Can Think Of List of 2012. Those of you proficient in numbers will no doubt realize that there are only eight items actually listed.  The reason for that is so that you, loyal reader and fellow Crapper (that's what I call my readers now; deal with it) can finish it with your own top whatevers.  Leave them in the comment section below and remember:  this isn't because I couldn't think of anything else to write.  No sir.

JrX

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I Don't Like the NRA

Ok, I might lose some of you here, but fuck it.  As a general rule, I tend not to engage in the kind of polarizing political arguments that so enflame a certain type of person.  Be it abortion, or prayer in school or whether or not Daryl should die when The Walking Dead returns in February.  But occasionally some nutjob will get himself on TV and say something so stupid in response to something so serious that it just pisses me off.  In this case, it is the NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, giving a press conference (speech) in response to the tragedy at Newtown. 

Here is from his prepared remarks:

“The only way to answer that question is to face up to the truth.

Politicians pass laws for Gun-Free School Zones. They issue press

releases bragging about them. They post signs advertising them.

And in so doing, they tell every insane killer in America that schools

are their safest place to inflict maximum mayhem with minimum risk.”

Fuck you, Wayne LaPierre.

…”We care about our money, so we protect our banks with

armed guards. American airports, office buildings, power plants,

courthouses — even sports stadiums — are all protected by armed

security….Yet when it comes to the most beloved, innocent and vulnerable

members of the American family — our children — we as a society

leave them utterly defenseless, and the monsters and predators of this

world know it and exploit it.”

Because there weren’t 1,092 robberies, burglaries, and larcenies commited at banks in just the first quarter of 2011, of which over nearly half were committed by firearm, explosive or other dangerous weopon.  And because nearly a dozen people weren’t killed at the Empire State building  earlier this year; or at an office building in Minneapolis also this year, among others.  I could give more examples, but go ahead and google them yourself if you want to be depressed.

“And does anybody

really believe that the next Adam Lanza isn't planning his attack on a

school he's already identified at this very moment?”

Keep on spreading fear, Wayne.  Did I tell you to go fuck yourself yet?

”So now, due to a declining willingness to prosecute dangerous

criminals, violent crime is increasing again for the first time in

19 years!”

Not true, but why start telling the truth now, LaDouche?

”And here's another dirty little truth that the media try their best to

conceal: There exists in this country a callous, corrupt and corrupting

shadow industry that sells, and sows, violence against its own people.

Through vicious, violent video games with names like Bulletstorm,

Grand Theft Auto, Mortal Kombat and Splatterhouse. And here’s one:

it’s called Kindergarten Killers. It’s been online for 10 years. How come

my research department could find it and all of yours either couldn’t or

didn’t want anyone to know you had found it?”

All right, I’m not gonna defend Kindergarten Killers.  That games is pretty messed up.  But no one plays that game and goes on a shooting rampage who wasn’t already a ticking time bomb anyway.  That’s the REAL dirty little truth.  People like LaDickhead want you to believe that we read something, or play something, or watch something and because of that we’re going to act out some sick fantasy.  They banned Catcher in the Rye for years because some asshole tried to kill Reagan.  Well, Twilight has been out for years, and Stephanie Meyer is still alive, so explain that one. (No, I’m not advocating the murder of Stephanie Meyer.  Although a good scolding might be in order.  And a writers class).   And if violent video games and movies were really to blame, then Japan would be known for roving bands of killers instead of tenacle porn.  Have you seen some of the fucked up shit coming out of Japan?  Eli Roth thinks he’s a badass, but he’s a choir boy compared to violence exhibited in some of their movies.  And their rate of death by gun is less than 500 a year and going down.  We average about ten thousand.

“…Then there’s the blood-soaked slasher films like "American Psycho"

and "Natural Born Killers" that are aired like propaganda loops on

"Splatterdays" and every day, and a thousand music videos that

portray life as a joke and murder as a way of life. And then they have

the nerve to call it "entertainment….A child growing up in America witnesses 16,000 murders and 200,000

acts of violence by the time he or she reaches the ripe old age of 18."

One of the best arguments for violent entertainment=violent actions, is the supposed correlation between the two.  And indeed, it seems that there is one.  However, anyone who actually went to school would know that correlation does not equal causation.  Hell, I can make some correlations right now:  in the years that the Twilight series has been available, I have been increasingly depressed over the decline in American literature.  Correlation?   Yes.  Causation?  Not so much.

You know what?  I can’t keep quoting this whack job.  I’ll summarize the rest.  In a nutshell, he wants to put armed security in every school in America.  He and people like him would like to see everyone with a gun.  Teachers in schools, the principal, even the janitors, all armed to the teeth with the kind of guns that turn elk into a fine red mist.  Because if everyone has a gun, no one will use them.  Or something.  I usually lose the thread of the argument here. 

Look, I’m not anti gun.  I’m all for the second amendment.  I think amendments are great.  We’ve got like, ten of them right?  All I’m saying is that more guns is not the answer.  And that if guns don’t kill people, people kill people, then violent entertainment doesn’t cause violence, violent people do.  It wasn’t that long ago in our nations history that everyone did have a gun.  But you don’t see Black Bart calling out the Sheriff in front of the old saloon anymore.  You know why?  Gun laws. 

You want a personal handgun? Ok, fine.  You want to go hunting?  No problem.  But don’t tell me you’re gonna do it with the kind of guns that Rambo uses, unless the deer have suddenly started to fire back.  And if that starts happening, I'll load up with you.

Fuck you again, LaPierre.

JrX

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A Very Random Crapp Christmas

Here's a holiday treat for all you good boys and girls.  But not for the bad ones.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We'll wait.
...
Ok, I think they're gone.  For the rest of you, a Christmas poem, in the style of The Night Before Christmas, because apparently the original poem is in the public domain, so there.

The Night Before Christmas Part 2: Die Harder

by Juan Ramirez

Twas the night before Christmas

And all I could think

Was what a stupid holiday,

Life sure did stink.

Last minute shopping was done

And presents were bought,

And everyone seemed to forget

all the times they had fought

The one time of year when

Everyone tried to be good,

I called them all hypocrites,

Well, I did what I could.

Christmas pageants were held

And the baby Jesus was hailed,

But all I could think about

Was where we had failed.

We’re killing our planet

And killing each other,

People go hungry in the streets

One right after another.

All this I was thinking

As I stared out the window, 

When I saw a sleigh in the sky

And a fat little weirdo.

I sprang out to the lawn,

In my pajamas, no less

When he landed in front of me

And began his address,

“I hear you’re depressed”

I heard Santa declare,

“if there’s something on your mind,

Please feel free to share”

I told him I was disillusioned by Christmas

It didn’t make sense,

And I asked him, I pleaded,

“Please make your defense.”

“You’re thinking too large”,

He said with a smile.

“Try thinking smaller,

Just try for a while”

“it’s not about saving the world from itself,

Just start with your neighbors, your friends

And yourself.”

But what about Jesus?

I asked with concern,

Santa said, “You don’t have to believe in him

To grow or to learn.

Just be a good human and forgiveness is earned.”

But what if I’m Jewish or Muslim  or Buddhist?

He said,” what if the moon is made of cheese or

When I go home I’m a nudist?

It really doesn’t matter what faith you subscribe to,

As long as you have it and allow it to guide you.”

I thought for a moment

And it started to click,

And that’s when I realized

I was being a prick. 

I thanked him profusely

For making me hear,

As he climbed back in his sleigh

I think he opened a beer.

“Just be yourself” he said,

“Don’t be a phony”

Then he poured a bit of beer on the ground,

For all of our homies.

And as the sleigh flew away,

I felt my heart grow,

Because he had never given up

On the world down below.

Merry Christmas everyone! (Except for those people I don't like. You know who you are. A big bah humbug for them. .)

JrX

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